Your Voice

A few weeks ago, one of Gabe’s best friend’s Mom took her own life.

It obviously was a very upsetting thing, and Gabe tried to be there for his friend. We talked a lot about what his friend  would go through, how he might be feeling now and in the future (the mixture of emotions: sadness, anger, disbelief, betrayal). Gabe mentioned how difficult it would be for his friend – all the little things, like how his Mom made him lunch everyday, or the sadness he would feel of never hearing her voice again. He would try to keep it alive in his head, but he would miss it. It is all the little things that seem to make a difference.

Shortly after this happened, I had a conversation with Rob about my name. One of my oldest girlfriends had sent me a note (which included a bunch of notes I had written her in high school – how embarrassing!) and he noted how she called me “Lee” and how I signed my notes “Lee”. To Rob, it sounded strange. He’s heard a couple of people call me Lee – including my Mom and sister, but it’s not a name he thinks of for me. Then he asked me what my Dad called me.

I panicked. I couldn’t remember. Not only could I not remember, but I couldn’t hear his voice in my head. Exactly what I had just talked about with Gabe! I remember thinking how much I would miss hearing my Dad’s voice, but now I couldn’t even hear it in my own head.

It really bothered me and I thought about it as I went to bed that night.

By no coincidence I’m sure, I heard my Dad call me in my dream that night.

“He called me ‘Lee'”, I told Rob when I woke up in the morning.

It’s been 9 years today that he has been gone. While he is gone, he is never far from me. I can see him reflected in my boys, I can see some of the traits I have come from him (all the talking:)), and I can still hear his voice in my head.

You are missed Dad/Grandpa. And you are loved.

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