I’m not a person who has a lot of enemies.
I’m not a person who has a whole huge group of friends either.
I have some very close friends and then I have some friends in various circles; my work friends, my neighborhood friends, my Mom friends, my church friends, my old friends, my “kids play on the same team” friends, and now, my blogger friends. Not that I lump them into distinct, unchangeable categories – some cross over into my “very close friend” circle, but there are friends who I relate to on different levels.
But, I pretty much can get along with anyone. Sure, I may not be everyone’s favourite, but rarely do I come across someone who truly does not like me.
Until I married Rob.
With the “Rob deal” came an amazing man, 3 kids, and a woman that hates me.
Could the deal not have come with a side of fries instead?
Ok, his ex has never come out and said she hates me. But, since I’m big on quotes, the “actions speak louder than words” quote is the one that is ingrained in me.
And the actions speak volumes.
Have you ever pulled up in front of your house to have someone standing on your steps and completely ignore you? Act as if you are invisible? Completely ignore your “own” kids?
I guess technically we have moved past that in the past few months to getting an icy stare with a stone faced “hello”.
Progress.
I mean, you are standing on my doorstep after all.
And, whether you like it or not, I am the second most influential woman in your children’s life. I am with your children a full 50% of the time, after all.
Honestly, you’d think that I had done the most unimaginable to her. You’d THINK that I had stepped in, stolen her husband, forced him to divorce her and marry me instead. Then, I could understand where the the hostility was coming from.
Nope. I met Rob after they had split. And let’s just say their split was colourful, and while both have to take responsibility for their marital collapse, she was the one who chose to move on first. And, she’s still with the person she chose to be with!
So why the heck does she have a problem with me? In her eyes, I technically took her leftovers, her unwanted discards, the spoiled, rotten food from the back of the fridge…(sorry babe, not sure if you will like this description.)
Unless of course she finally has realized that she got it all wrong. He’s the best meal around. Like award winning, mouthwatering, gourmet, melt in your mouth, kinda meal. With the scrumptious dessert following. And then more.
Anyhow, I have tried to understand. I have tried to not let it bug me. I have tried to ignore it.
I have even tried to reach out to her.
Last year when Sam was hospitalized, as I talked about here, I was so torn about going to the hospital as I knew she would be there and didn’t want to deal with the “awkwardness.” Using 10-10-10, I decided to go anyways, as this was about Sam – not her.
Shortly following his hospital stay, I sent her an email.
In it, I explained that I felt my boys have been given such a gift from Rob and my ex – the gift of peace, a sense of belonging, a drama free relationship and permission to love both men in their lives – their Father, and their Stepfather. I wanted to do the same for my stepkids and offer them that same gift.
In the email, I also acknowledged that I had made many mistakes over the past 5 years with her – maybe crossed some lines, said some inappropriate things, made some judgements. These stemmed from my own insecurities, my own weaknesses and my own issues. I’m not perfect. I’ve never been a Stepmom before and never have had to deal with an ex wife. So mistakes were made. I apologized.
I suggested we try to put the past aside and move on. I suggested we spend some time getting to know each other on an individual basis. I didn’t want to talk about her relationship with Rob, or try to be a mediator, but maybe WE could find some common ground.
Realistically, I knew she wouldn’t respond.
But when you hate to be hated, you wait for a response anyways.
It’s been 10 months.
I’m not sure if I should still expect a response??
I’m guessing no.
As time goes on, I’m beginning to see that it doesn’t matter if I get a response or not (ok it totally does, especially when you hate to be hated, but let’s just pretend it doesn’t for a minute).
I have held out the olive branch. I have apologized for my wrongdoings. I have made an attempt to get to know the most important woman in my stepchildren’s lives. I have done what I can do.
But I still hate that I’m hated.
Please tell me there are people out there who hate you too.
I hate to be hated too, Leah. I am not aware of anyone in my life who hates me, but I can’t stand it even if a stranger does. When I get flipped the birdie by another driver it sits with me longer than I would like – I’m angry at them, but I’m also don’t like that they are pissed at me. I know that’s ridiculous, but there it is. Your situation is obviously different, but you’ve done what you could to mend fences. The ex is holding onto a lot of hostility that is getting her nowhere. Life’s too short for that, I think.
I get insulted too when someone flips me the bird and it bugs me! Life is way to short to be hostile, that is for sure!
I feel like this has got to be one of the trickier relationships to navigate on the planet. I am so sorry that she is isn’t doing a better job of being appreciative that the stepmother her children received is wonderful. Hugs.-Ashley
I read once that it is one of the trickiest relationships on the planet. Such a shame, because it impacts children so heavily. Tahnks for your hugs:)
I can’t imagine having to deal with that on a daily (or frequent) basis. It’s too bad that she can’t see that her actions are making it harder for her children – they should never feel like they have to choose between y’all!
And, yes, I hate to be hated, too.
Hate might be a strong word but for some reason one of my very closest friends and I had a falling out about a year ago – I still don’t even know what it was really about just that she said some of the meanest things to me (all in writing through email) and then tried to say she still cared about me – it was very odd and a hard relationship/friendship to end.
It is so hard when a relationship ends and you don’t really understand what happens. I think sometimes people feel they need to be “honest” and that gives them license to be mean. We all have faults, we all mess up; there is never an excuse for meanness.Ever.
Ugh, I totally hate to be hated!! I am the type who needs to please everyone. I am non-confrontational. I am passive. I’m nice too. I don’t know if I can think of anyone who hates me but I have certainly pissed off a lot of bosses and co-workers in my day from quitting. Heck, they were bad situations and I don’t thrive or even survive in those situations.
I had a friend in high school and his girlfriend hated me with a passion because she thought I was after him. I never, ever was. And she turned people against me. In fact, one of them confronted me last year (a decade later!) to apologize about high school because she said her friend was rather sick in the head and she realized I’d never have stolen this girl’s boyfriend!
It didn’t bother me much back then, to be honest, but it would now. I was just a kid and kinda immature and they were both “nerds”, according to high school politics. Now you’re seeing my bad side, huh?
You’re a beautiful person, though. All of your posts say it clearly.
Lol! I love your “bad side”! Sounds like your high school friend was just insecure and threatened – and it had nothing to do with you…hmm…. maybe I should apply this to my situation:)
Ugh. There are always those people out there. I am very non confrontational but I have had my issues just the same. Some people just want or need the drama in their life…I don’t know why…I just don’t get it. I can’t imagine having to deal with that on a regular basis. I am so sorry Leah! From reading your blog, I think you and Rob have done such an amazing job, she should be so appreciative…because after all, this is about the kids, is it not? Hugs!
I agree- some people need the drama. I sometimes say to Rob that she needs to hate us (she’s no better with him) to have someone to hate in her life. And it is about the kids, that’s why I don’t get it !?!?! Thanks for the hugs:)
Here is my two cents, and it’s probably not even worth that much. Since you and I both have blended families, we also have some of the same issues. I just try and take the high road, and I am always very friendly. Over the last couple of years I have gotten the same freidnly response. There is no petiness, we are all adults these days. Be vverly friendly to make sure you are not ignored and at least acknowledged. By that I mean if I were you, I would answer the door and say hello and ask an open ended question that basically makes her respond. Not a YES or NO question. Try and set that example because even if she doesn’t respond, all of the children will see what an example you are setting and how you are trying, and in the end, those are the only people you should REALLY care about when it comes to how they feel about you. 🙂 I understand where you are coming from, I HATE being HATED myself, but I can’t please everyone, and neither can you. 🙂
Amazing advice! I have tried this – but admit to getting fed up at times – so my efforts have been inconsistent and I end up just thinking “whatever”— as I know she is really only hurting herself in the long run! But, perhaps I should just keep trying…. thanks:)
This is a tough one. I hate that you are hated..makes me sad and mad and all kinds of things.
I wish it were different. I still think there is hope (call me naive but I truly believe that)
I coached a woman the other day who was the Mother who hated the Stepmother. For no apparent reason either other than the woman who was with her kids 50% of the time. Same situation-she was the one who chose this ultimaltey and she still hated her.
It is sad that so often it has to be like this. I think the stronger role as a mom the Stepmother takes…the more she is hated by the Mother.
Hubby and I often talk about how I would react if ever we got divorced and he got remarried. He estimates I would be the bitch from hell!!! Hopefully your situation and being so close to it would help me see through a different lens.
I wish there was a way to make it all better. It must be so hard. You so deserve to be loved.
Tarina
I also think, the stronger and more confident you are as a mother, the less likely you are threatened by a step mom. You are a confidant mom, so you’d be fine!
You tried to reach out.
Some people just harbor hate and they don’t know how to let go. But that has to be their issue, not yours- you don’t have to let it affect you.
Very true – some people just need the negative – it is their comfort zone. I do feel really good that I reached out though. The ball is in her court. I have held out the olive branch.
I am my husband’s only wife, but yes I hate to be hated and have this with my husband’s youngest sister. Granted my husband has no love lost there either, but she has always been a real colorful person with the things she has done to us over the years, but yes as much as I don’t like her, I know she doesn’t like me. I sometimes wish she could be different and we could just put all aside and forget the past, but then she goes and does something else. So, yes can relate in some ways and I too don’t like this feeling either!
It’s not a nice feeling that’s for sure!
Man you really poured your heart out and this is so sad. I actually thought you must have taken him away from her with her actions of not speaking and mean stares. I think you hit the nail on the head. She obviously had the same love and affection that you currently have for him at some time and she probably realized that the grass was not greener on the other side. There is nothing she can do about that now but she can’t handle it. I’m on the outside looking in. I could be wrong, but you can’t do anything about her actions. I would not focus on the fact that she hates you. Because you love her children and your husband, you continue to be loving and nurturing and enjoy your beautiful family.
Sometimes people are just haters, I wrote a post on it. However, since she is the Mother of your husbands children, I want tell you to just eff it, lol!
I love that you poured it on the table. One day I will do the same.
Thank you Joi! I hate the fact that most people MUST think that I was “the other woman” who stole her man away when it couldn’t be further from the truth! She ended up with what she went after (one of my husband’s good friends , no less). My husband has long since gotten over that; he asked her once last year when the hostility was going to stop – and her response was another 20 years! HA! 19 more to go, I guess! It actually feels good to pour it all out. You will when your time is right. xo
This is tough!! But you did a really great thing by reaching out. I tried to put myself in her shoes, I would probably hate the other woman for having what is now your amazing man. You reached out, you took the high road and you could have easily gone the other way and stopped to her level. In the end you can only do what you do, unfortunately not everyone loves us, but just be sure to love and recognize the people that do love you.
If I do put myself in her shoes, that’s all I can come up with too ! I think when you are truly happy with yourself and with your life, there is no room for hate. Only love!
Wow I really can’t believe she didn’t respond..seriously? You did what you could. It is never easy to have someone hate or dislike you…you’re just human and of course it is going to bug you.
I thought she would at least respond with “I’m not ready to take this step” or “I have no interest in a relationship”, but nothing. Speaks volumes though! Thanks for stopping by!
I absolutely HATE to be HATED!!! And lets add to that- I absolutely HATE WHEN ANYONE is MAD at me too!!! Oh you poor thing, Leah. This just sounds awful… and ya know what? You should feel so proud of how you have handled her! Try your best to have peace in knowing you did all that you could, and her negative attitude has NOTHING to do with you. Absolutely nothing.
Jealousy causes this kind of hatred. She doesn’t want to share her X or her kids with you or anyone else. It’s not YOU she hates, it’s the “new wife and step mom” to her kids she can’t quite tolerate or accept. Her loss, because she is the hater. You are the lover and the fact that you tried to connect with her shows your integrity and your amazing character.
BRAVO honey!!!! Try your best to detach and not let it penetrate your heart. You don’t deserve to feel badly because of her toxicity. XO
You are the sweetest!! Thank you. I agree, it is “the new wife and stepmom” that she struggles with. I think even when you make your own choices, as she did, you sometimes forget that there might be “things” or “people” included in your choices that you may have to deal with and accept down the road. I think she figured my husband would wither away and die without her; instead we found each other, and truly feel like the luckiest soulmates in the world – finding a love we never knew existed! When I look at liek that, it’s no wonder she hates me! Lol
There are people who hate me too. My ex husband has children from a first marriage and I had to deal with a similar situation. I asked why a thousand times and the answer is that some people need to hate. It’s an awful feeling. Even when we know in our hearts it’s not “us.”
Well, I love you Ilene:) I guess you are right, the answer is some people need to hate. I guess it is only their loss.
*sigh* I really wish I could say I’m not on anyone’s “hate” list…. heck, I have two ex husbands and I communicate with the first one every blue moon because he prints out my blog to read to his mom. And the second ex, I communicate with his wife. I’d say that means I’m not on the hate list for them and generally I don’t hold on to hate, so I don’t understand why people do.
BUT… I’m on someone’s hate list and I can’t understand it. My sister-in-law, my brother’s wife, hates me. Even my husband sees it. I have gone out of my way to say nice things to her and find thoughtful gifts, make handmade jewelry gifts, which I rarely do for people, other than my mom…. but it falls on a hard heart.
My brother is even perplexed to the point that he has given up trying to understand. His best theory is that his wife’s sister doesn’t like HER sister-in-law and that his wife wants to “compete” with her sister and therefore she doesn’t like her sister-in-law (meaning me). So, I’m doomed, there’s nothing I can do to help the situation. I’ve given up caring now. The other thing I can think of is that their culture is not American and from where they are, they said that when the daughter marries, she moves in with her husband’s family and no longer associates with her family. Of course I’m still close with my family, but I guess that makes the American daughter-in-laws a bad thing. Again, nothing I can do about this… so I give up. I can’t stand that I have to give up, but I’ve been rejected and snubbed by her too many times.
What a situation! It is quite perplexing and so sad because it puts such strain on family relations. Thanks for sharing though. Glad I’m not alone! (Sadly, I’m not alone)!
Okay, my friend. We are a little bit on the same page right now. Remember what I just wrote about? I hate to be hated, too but I have come to realize, it is the other person’s issue (baggage, stuff)and I can’t take that on. I’d be lying if I said it never bothered me but I just keep saying, “This is me and you can take me or leave me. I won’t be offended because I am not for everyone”. 🙂 I absolutely adore you and if she can’t see how wonderful you are(especially because you took the first step and apologized), then that is her issue, not yours.
Oh, AnnMarie, I wish I could give you a big hug!! Thank you for your kind, kind words. You are right – it is her issue and not mine. We need to remind each other of these things!
First of all, I give you a ton of credit for writing this post as it couldn’t have been easy. I love how honest you are and yes, being hated is a horrible feeling…especially when it’s someone who’s so important in your life that you won’t be getting rid of anytime soon. I also have an ex-wife to deal with. Things are great now (thank God!) because it’s been 10 years and my stepson is 17 and going to college, but it wasn’t always that way. I was nodding my head in agreement with the “icy stares” and complete “ignoring” on MY front steps…something similar totally happened to me and I didn’t know how to respond as I had never been in this situation before either. All I can offer is, I’m sorry and it DOES get better…at least it did for me and I certainly hope for you too. Hang in there and keep your focus – your great husband and children!
I’m so glad that things are good for you now! I hope it will get better; it has been 6 years, and like I said, we have progressed to icy stares – so that’ a step in the right direction!
It sucks knowing that you are hated for no good reason. You at least are taking the high road and trying to make the best of a difficult situation. Unfortunately some people just don’t do relationships well!
Thanks, Jennifer. It is true, some people struggle with relationships all time. I need to just focus on the ones that are so rewarding.
I don’t know you in real life, but from what I’ve learned about you from your blog it is hard to imagine anyone hating you! I’m so sorry you have to deal with that. Luckily, my stepdaughter’s mom typically treats me really well, but we have had some tense moments. Ugh. As both a stepmom and a bio mom, I’ve noticed that there can just be a lot of jealousy on both sides in these relationships. I hate when I recognize the green eyed monster rearing it’s ugly head in me and try to stamp it down as quickly as possible, but I can see how jealousy could cause a woman to act very poorly toward the other mother-figure in her children’s life. I hope things get better for you with that relationship someday (and soon!).
Thanks, Heather. I am a biomom too, who has to deal with a Stepmom on the other side, and it IS difficult at times for sure. But, the reality is, she is going to be a strong influence in my children’s life and I hope that she treats them with kindness and love. I hope that she exposes them to things that I may not be able to. When I see that jealous monster come out of me, I try to remind myself that it is the kids that are the focus and I need to get over my stuff to make sure that they don’t feel the stress that they inevitably end up bearing when there’s tension between families.
I have some people who hate me too. I try to look at it as their loss. My husband’s ex-lover broke up our marriage and this person could not stand me (they’ve now broken up). Go figure! Some of my family members are not liking the person I am and deal with it by attacking me and my husband. All of it stems, I think, from my continued emotional and psychological growth and my increasing intolerance of unhealthy behaviors. I’ve had to create some really strong boundaries against some antagonistic behavior and that doesn’t sit well with people who are used to control. I think the more work you do on yourself, the more you create a world where there might be less people in your inner circle, but they are of much higher quality–or the kind of people that you resonate with and who honor and respect you for who you are. I’m sorry the ex is negative toward you (geez, she should at least suck it up in front of the kids and give you the respect you deserve)–but that’s all about her, not you. At least you can hold your head up high. And, I liked the way you owned you weren’t perfect in some moments. No one is. You sound as though, in spite of her animosity, you have a great family life. It’s not easy to deal with exes, but I can see there’s a reason why your husband is with you–not her.
It can be so hard to successfully “blend” families. It is so much harder when one of the parties holds on to past hurts. Hopefully, she will come to a better place soon!
hi from PYHO
Yup. My own children’s step mother is not my biggest fan, nor is my ex for that matter. Except that he left me for her, so I’m not sure why she feels the need to hate me, but she does. Fortunately for us, they live 600 miles away so contact is minimal. I give you a lot of credit for extending the olive branch. You’ve done what you can do for now and you should feel good about that!
Oh my, relationships and families are certainly complicated. I’m sorry that you have to deal with that struggle in your life. It was kind of you to try and reach out and brave to offer an olive branch. Sometimes people are not ready to work through their uncomfortable feelings and it is easier to avoid it. There is always hope for the future. In the 12 steps, we have a saying, focus on keeping your side of the street clean. Sometimes that is all you can do.
I am pretty sure there are tons of people who think that they hate me.
But that is only cause they don’t realize how freaking awesome I am.
I know that one day they will see the light and sing the “Sound of Music” with me but until then….
I just stay polite as I can and act friendly. Pretend like I don’t even notice that they think that they hate me. Say “HEY!” and give them hello hugs. ESPECIALLY if they are on MY doorstep. I wouldn’t want my momma thinking I lost my Southern Manners just because I haven’t lived in the south in 15 years.
Of course, there are some people who still think that they hate me. Bless their hearts. I just pray for them. Pray that they will realize that it isn’t me that they hate at all – its their own ways and their own actions that they despise. In the end, that is all I can do for them.
I hope you continue to set the good example and stay on that high road. You’re not the problem here, but until that switch is made within her, this is how it’ll probably be. There are so many wise words in these comments. All I can add is that I hope you won’t give in and match her childishness. Someday, maybe she’ll grow up.
Have faith that she will, even. It must suck to hold onto such unneeded anger.
Plus, really … if she’s not getting to know you, she’s missing out on the woman those of us who read you have come to know.
Hi – This is from a long time ago and I hope things have improved! (I just found your blog, and love it).
Just wondering – did your husband step in and speak to his ex about treating you so badly? I know you took the high road and reached out… but I think he should step in and let her know that he will not tolerate that type of behavior toward his wife (you!)
Hi Maria!
Thanks for stopping by! It was a long time ago that I wrote this! And many things have changed and improved (although they got really really bad for quite a while after I wrote this). I think about a year or so ago we distinctly felt a little bit of the hostility lift and heading towards civility. I think a lot had to do with the kids getting older and having more of a voice, life circumstance changes for her (she went through another divorce) and for us – just letting go, rolling our eyes when needed for sanity, and a concerted effort to just focus on what we could control: ourselves. To answer your specific question, the biggest challenge at that time is she did the exact same thing to him!! He many many times tried to talk to her about having civility between them, and often tried to talk about how she treated me, but that often made it worse! He was always very supportive and tried to help the relations, but as you know, you can’t control what someone else does. I do think though that when you are dealing with challenging relationships like this with the ex, you absolutely need your husband’s support – I’m glad that he always gave it to me. I think he also modelled to all our kids what a partnership is and how we support each other; it has been a good model for them of a healthy marriage:) Thanks again for your comment!