I’m finally getting around to writing about my focus for 2014.
This year’s focus has two main parts to it – two main areas that I need to get to work on and can be tackled with one focus.
I feel like when I have been doing things lately, it’s with a “finally” I’m doing them.
Finally, I’m writing this blog post.
Finally, I ordered the pictures for our wall.
Finally, I cleaned the house.
Finally, I called that friend.
Finally, I finished that report.
So, I need to eliminate the “finally.”
Finally, I’m eliminating the “finally.”
The “finally” was always making me feel like I was behind somehow; that I was catching up. That I was lazy, sitting around, doing nothing and “finally” did something about it.
But that is not the case. I “finally” do something because I have been busy focusing on what my focus was last year to “do things with purpose” and the year before to “be there.” And of course busy being a wife, Mom, Stepmom, Speech Pathologist/small business owner, friend, cook, chauffeur, cleaner….
And sometimes I “finally” get around to doing something because maybe I wasn’t ready before, or maybe it was not a top priority. But I still get on myself about it.
So this year, I thought about a word (or a few words) that represent how I can eliminate “finally”; how I can still focus on what’s important without being sidetracked by all the external “noise”; how I can reduce the stress and the times sucks in my life; how I can really continue to work on doing things with purpose and to be there —- without guilt in the back of my mind.
I came up with: “Let it go.”
This little phrase has been circulating in my mind a lot the past few weeks and targets beautifully the other area that I wanted to target.
We have had a very intense couple of weeks dealing with Rob’s ex. One of our biggest time sucks can be dealing with her. She has a way of taking good things here (at our house), making them about some injustice to her, causing a big scene, upsetting everyone – (most importantly the kids), trying to make us out to be the bad guys, then seeing it is backfiring on her (with the realization (finally) that she’s not hurting us, but hurting the kids), and then trying to sweep in to try to be the hero and get everything back to normal.
Ummm – everything was good. Until you brought the circus into town.
But I am letting it all go.
The circus has come to town enough in my years of being with Rob to know that it is a circus that has nothing to do with me (or him, for that matter). It’s a circus filled with her own misery, insecurity, anger, hurt, sadness, jealousy and wish for control.
And perhaps I am a cause of some of these feelings for her. But, you know what? I have done what I can do with her and I am not allowing her to occupy my time or my headspace. She is not interested in making things better, so the only thing I can do is let go. Disengage. Shrug my shoulders and say, “unfortunate she feels that way” and focus on the things that are important in our family and in my relationships.
Let go.
So I’m letting go of “finally” and letting go of all circuses that aren’t created by me:).
I know it will take lots of effort and discipline, but everything worth doing does, right?
Here’s to letting go in 2014!
We have so much in common! Maybe it’s something about the holidays? My ex really acted out too, but at this point it’s predictable–I just respond differently now. I like your strategy–let it go. When you engage, it makes it worse. It’s especially hard though when the kids are involved. This is why I’m pursuing another Master’s degree-this one in Marriage and Family Therapy. With so many divorces, there are a lot of kids becoming alienated from a parent. This is needless and damaging. Leah I think you and your husband do an awesome job at being a blended family. That’s not easy, but at least from your posts and pictures, I see an involved, loving, and committed mother (and father). By the way, if you want to listen to a great CD on parenting, try Brene Brown’s “Whole-Hearted Parenting.” It’s excellent!
If we ever met in person, we would have sooooooo much to talk about!!!! I’m so glad that you are back to pursuing another degree. I had terrible advice form counsellors who knew nothing about th complexities of blending a family – you will be such an asset to your clients!! Thank you, as always, for your support!
So sorry Leah, that you have had to deal with this and just happy that you are trying to let it go, because it is obvious that it is so not you or Rob and she has her own issues to deal with and get past. I hop and pray she can, but so thankful that you guys can see past past it and finally for all intents and purposes just let it go. Thinking of you and sending hugs your way now!
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Thank you so much for your kind, kind words, Janine. Hugs right back!
I really liked this post…a lot. For some reason it really resonated with me for you.
The word finally..exhausts me for you. I think that it is great that that wont be a focus. You do soooooooo much……you don’t want to get to the “finally” things and then feel so exhausted and spent by the time you are there. Don’t do them at all (if they are truly not important to you) or do them with peace and joy when you want and need to do them. That’s my advice!
Anyways loved your post. I leike the letting go part too-I had many feelings reading it and wonder what the impact on the ex will be. Hopefully in you letting go maybe she will too? The more and more I learn about blended families the more I realize the complexity .It’s a whole other world and one you have managed to navigate so well.
I try and picture myself as the Step mom and am able too…and I try to picture myself as the biological mom and can too. It seems like the two are destined to be opposing forces innately and that must be so complicated.
Letting go seems peaceful somehow and that is good.
I am working on my own forms of letting go in my life with some things that create chaos and appreciate how hard that is.
With love
Lauren Kate
Love this. Love your support. It means so much to me as I know how much of the ins and outs you know. I guess we both have our own forms of letting go to work on this year….xoxo
I need to make this my mantra too. I’m better at it than I used to be, but I still have work to do. Have you seen Frozen? One of the best songs from that movie is “Let It Go,” and the lyrics are great. I heard it yesterday and it may inspire a blog post soon…that can be your theme song for 2014!
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I think I will make it my song! I downloaded it – thanks for the tip!! It’s a process to work on letting go – like anything else, it gets better with practice!
I bet it is insecurity and jealousy with Rob’s ex. Panic at the strong unit that has formed, with our without her. Without her – really! I have some “let it go” people in my life. One that I feel threatened by (way too much enthusiasm about my family) and one that I think feels threatened by everything because her behavior is…well I can’t think of a nice word.
Sometimes, often, I let those two people affect my general well-being. No more.
Like Dana said, Frozen has that great song, “Let It Go.” I just want to belt it out!
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I do tend to think that it is insecurity and jealousy too – but it still bugs me. And I’m glad I am not the only one who has to let go of people who affect their well being. We need to surround ourselves with people who bring positive spirits into our lives – or at least not toxic ones. It’s like a toxic cleanse I am doing…. Downloaded that song. Will be belting it out!!
I love the “let it go” mantra!! I did that just this weekend with something that has been looming over my head for months and I feel better about things than I have in awhile!!!
Sorry that y’all have had to deal with some family issues – I know that your #1 concern is for your kiddos and husband – I hope that you are able to “let it go”!!
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So glad that you were able to “let it go” too and it made you feel better. Thanks for your support:)
I love this Leah! I loved last years mission to do it all with purpose too. I am so sorry you have to deal with a circus coming into town, and I am SO glad you have the right state of mine to realize it’s NOT about you….
It usually never is, when someone tries to make things miserable for you.
I love the let it go- and the elimination of “Finally”- I love that. I need to to that too. Always trying to play “Catch up”- and really, there will ALWAYS be catching up to do- so lets try to just be in that moment- present and full and know that there is a reason and a purpose for it and it’s timing.
Great GREAT post!!
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Thanks, Chris! There is always catching up to do – but we do need to focus on being in the moment. As long as the best things get done, that is all that matters.
Thanks for your constant support too, my friend!
Oh yes! I never loved saying “finally” but you have pinpointed exactly why. I love that you are eliminating it and letting it go. I need to do that too.
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Sounds like a tough situation, but I think you are right in that there’s only so much you can do. Sometimes you just need to let it go. I think many of us have situations/people/things in our life that just need to be let go. I hope this year is freeing for you, Leah.
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I have let go of using the word finally, too! It makes life so much easier! :)-Ashley
Let it go is a great phrase for the year. As I was reading your post, I realize that I’ve operated in the finally mentality a lot lately. That’s why I transitioned a few things including the blog schedule to provide my one word; Balance! Good luck to you this year!
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Leah, that’s a great phrase. I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with all of that, but let it go is just perfect…you’re not going to change her. And the finally thing, that is so me. I feel like I am always running behind and I am trying so hard to find balance this year. I think I might need to calendar block because something is always coming up that derails me.
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