I have a love hate relationship with Christmas.

There are certain things I love.

My most favourite is experiencing the energy and excitement that some of my kids have for Christmas. And by some, I don’t just mean the believers, as this year the truth is known. (Some kids are just more enthusiastic about Christmas and I love the spirit they bring). We all actually are still believers. I think that magic will stay alive forever as we continue to invite Quiet Elfie to our home, wear socks to bed at night in case the Polar Express comes, and leave milk and cookies out for Santa and carrots for reindeer (although this year Zach decided it was funny to leave milked down chocolate milk for him. Way to ruin Santa’s favourite drink!!!). Santa is very much real in our house and still causes excitement as he represents everything good about Christmas.

I also love sharing, discussing, remembering the real meaning of Christmas and having those heartfelt discussions together. I cry through the Nativity scene of Mr. Krueger’s Christmas every year. I love the quick reminders of Christmas through the awesome videos we watch here. I love the dim lights and hearing O Holy Night and Silent Night. I love that two of my teens made their own little Nativity scene for under their Charlie Brown Christmas tree up in Gabe and Zach’s room.

I love all our traditions that I talked about here. I love the gift giving, and most importantly, the special cards and notes that I get (which as my kids are older they might be embarrassed that I share here, but know they are safely tucked away on my special box and also photographed on my phone so I can review at any moment of deep frustration).

I love the cards from friends and family, visits with friends and family, catching up with everyone. Reconnecting.

I love, love, love Christmas Eve. My favourite night of the year. It really is almost magical at times.

I also love the wake up on Christmas Day. The kids still sleepy but speedily racing to their stockings and Santa gifts. The lights stay off and everyone rips the paper off and it gets very messy. It happens pretty quickly. Then it’s over. The kids start to play with their new stuff. For a bit. Cinnamon buns are made, chocolate milk is served along with the buns, then everyone is rushed to get ready. They grab what they think they need for a few days and are gone by the time the clock strikes 9:30am.

And it’s quiet for the rest of the day.

And so begins the part I hate.

Well, actually I do hate the busyness before Chrustnas. The endless lists of things to do, trying to get it all done. The commercialism, the money, the busyness. Hate that.

But nothing compares to the emptiness on Christmas Day. Despite often having my Mom and sister around, or having Rob’s parents for a meal, the house is lifeless without the kids.

Even Reggie feels it.

I have learned to expect it. I have learned to make traditions out of it. Who doesn’t want to have a movie marathon over the next few days (bcs the kids are gone for a few days following Christmas too) and try to nap? It is the best.

Ok. Second best.

I’ve learned that grief knocks on the door every year and usually arrives by Christmas night. I have to let her in because it is so cold outside and she really doesn’t leave until she comes in for some cocoa. This year, I was ready for her and left the door open. It was much easier anticipating her arrival and openly welcoming her. In years past, she has always surprised me, and Rob has always had to remind me that she comes religiously, every year, but I get through it. This year, I planned activities with her in mind, and I actually think it spoiled her mood just a little. I guess she has been coming for 9 years, so maybe she’s bored of the traditions. I hope so.

Christmas also reminds me of the grief that many others feel. The losses in their lives, the sadness, the anger, the loneliness. While so many are surrounded by love, many are not. It makes me wish that people would be a little bit more grateful for what they have. That’s what helps me: focus on all the good in my life (and there is so much of it) so there’s nothing to complain about.

So while I’m sad to see Christmas go, I’m happy too because grief leaves as well (only to return on other holidays, vacations and birthdays that the kids need to share with their other families). In a few hours, the house will be alive again, at least for few days (our Christmas back and forth schedule is quite chaotic; even I have a hard time keeping track) as we head into another year….