I have been asked some questions about missions since I’ve been talking about Zach’s decision to serve one here on our family blog. I know he had many questions before he left and many have been emailing him questions too. I know he doesn’t have the time now to answer the questions (and a question people have is why doesn’t he have the time, lol!!?) I decided I would answer the questions here! I realized that it might take a while to answer them all, so I’ll tackle each question one post at a time – likely one week at a time too so we shall see how long it takes us! Maybe Zach will be back by the time I finish answering them all. Ha! 

I will give a forewarning.

I am not a religious scholar, debater or activist. I am just me. An intelligent women who seeks knowledge, lives by faith, believes in miracles and tries to teach by example. But at times I set a terrible example, have huge doubts, and make dumb mistakes. I’m just a human like everyone else trying to make sense of this beautiful gift of life.  I likely will not give complete answers all the time because I don’t know everything.

I’m not looking to pick a fight nor looking to offend. I’m not looking to defend anything either. I’m simply happy to answer questions if people ask. That’s always the way I’ve been. If you ask, I’ll answer. But otherwise, you likely won’t hear much from me. But I love that Zach has chosen the “I will ask you if you want to know more” route (what part of serving a mission is – offering to teach people if they want to know more) . I think it takes a lot of vulnerability and courage to do that – but that is the essence of Zach in my mind – vulnerability and courage. If you say yes to wanting to learn more, he’ll share; if you say no, he’ll probably ask you if you play soccer and happen to know what the score was for the last game Roma played. If you do, you’ll be friends for life. And even if you don’t know the score, he’ll love you anyways too:)

I thought it would be appropriate to share some context of our religious beliefs. My girlfriend asked me if I found these questions intrusive – as really it’s no one’s business – but I told her I don’t mind at all. Religion is such a big part of who I am. If you know me well, then you know that. If not, then it’s a part I don’t mind sharing since I have a child giving up two years of his life for our beliefs – so obviously it’s a big part of our family.

I was born to parents who were both members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter a Day Saints. But the beauty of my story comes from their stories….

My father was born into a very poor home during the Great Depression in the slums of downtown Montreal. His parents had come over from Scotland and England and settled in Montreal. My grandfather was a tinsmith, and an abusive alcoholic. He had a very rocky marriage with my grandmother who was miserable most of the time (even when I knew her, sadly). My grandfather took his anger out often on my father, who was the oldest of four. Over the years, the beatings, the abuse, the poverty took a toll on my father’s self esteem, confidence and personality; he was forced to drop out of school in grade 7 to help earn money for his family – and what was the point of school for a dumb kid like him anyway? He left school not knowing how to properly read and write.

He took odd jobs over the years and eventually was given the opportunity to work the overnight shift at the telegraph office. There, he was befriended by some kind men who gave him a chance, gave him a good job, and taught him to read and write properly. Eventually my dad was encouraged to go back to school to get his high school degree – and so he went to night school and completed high school.  

When he was in his late teens/early twenties, two young missionaries came to his door and asked him if he was interested in learning more about their church – The Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints . My father said yes, and that was a changing moment in his life (and the lives of his future generations). He was baptized ( when you decide to join, you are baptized by immersion as Christ was in the New Testament  (fully dunked under water)), as were several of his siblings at the time.

My father decided to serve a mission himself – I can only imagine being motivated by wanting to bring the Gospel to people the same way he had received it. He was called to serve in French Polynesia – The Tahiti Papeete mission. At the time, there were 12 missionaries in the mission and they opened up many islands. My father described his mission as the best and hardest  two years of his life: intense joy and intense loneliness from being so isolated for months off tiny islands. My father passed away when Zach was 2 years old. You can imagine the emotions we felt when Zach was called to serve in the same mission all these years later. 

My father returned home from his mission and started University at Sir George Williams (now Concordia) where he went one day to pay his tuition and fell in love with the clerk who took his money. Her name was Susanne – my mom.

My mom was from a family of German descent with a complicated history. My grandmother was a beautiful half Jewish (her mother was Jewish) woman who had a whirlwind love story with a theology student she met in university in Germany. She was from a small town outside of Hamburg (Lubeck) and he was from the big city of Berlin.

Unfortunately it was a time of great political turmoil so having a relationship with a Jew and non Jew in Germany in the 30’s was not good. Their stories are incredible but I’ll leave those for another time! Suffice it to say, they needed out of Germany fast if they were ever to be together or for my grandmother to even have a chance in life. My grandfather found a job in the clergy in London,  England and was eventually able to get my grandmother over.

So my mother was born in London, amidst bomb raids,  while my grandparents busied themselves with providing help to Jewish refugees come to London and set up a new life there. Over a decade later, my mother and her 4 siblings and parents made their way to their new home in Canada, where my grandfather served as a Lutheran minister, and then later an Anglican minister. Both my grandparents were extremely involved in the community and spent endless hours doing charity work and building a wonderful life for themselves and their 6 children (and their 15 grandchildren – me being #6).

However, they were not overly thrilled when my mother brought home this Mormon boy, a religion they did not approve of. My mother married him all the same, although did not convert to Mormonism at that time. She eventually did years later, which caused significant estrangement with her family which broke her heart – but she made the decision that she felt was right for her. 

My father went on to complete his university studies in Montreal and then got a teaching degree. They decided a Master’s degree was also in his future and every single summer for 7 years they drove  to Brigham Young University in Utah to work on his Master’s degree – first with a young Jamie (my older brother), then with a young me. My father graduated with his Master’s  and spent his career teaching (although his real passion was for writing.) He had come a long way from failing Kindergarten (which with much shame, he did).

When “we grandkids” came around, my grandparents eventually softened – realizing that our religion, did not change the essence of us being amazing kids:) I adored my grandparents. But the tension between them and my father was always palpable and that was sad to see. It was hard seeing family you love so much have differences that they  can’t seem to bridge. Although I think the climate has changed so much – with more tolerance, acceptance and understanding coming out on both sides – I wish for my early family we would have had that then.

So I grew up a member (and we do call it being a member – sounds like it’s part of an exclusive club, right?! Well it just is a term used to indicate you are officially baptized into The Church of Jesus Christ of Latrer Day Saints. If you aren’t, you are called “a non member”. Now that kind of seems exclusionary! Which is ironic because being a member in Montreal when I was growing up – we were the outcasts! I guess that’s why I kept my religion to myself more when I was younger. People didn’t understand, and openly mocked it. Nonetheless, it was who I was.) 

And since this story is getting kind of long, I’ll jump a bit…. I ended up going to university (my dad was a huge advocate for education – so going up I knew university was a top priority), marrying (a non member), getting my Master’s, having two amazing boys and then  divorcing when Zach was 4 and Josh was 2.5. 

Through out the time I always attended church,  but my testimony (belief in my religion) was up and down. I don’t care if you are born into a religion or not, at some point you have to make a decision whether it is for you or not. Did I really believe it or is it just what I’d always known? Do I continue with this? Or enjoy exploring other ways of life? My personal struggles and dark times always pointed me back in  this direction. 

Now let me digress just for a second to say that there are many things I struggle with still. Many things I question, don’t agree with, or struggle to understand. The analogy I have given my children over the years is it’s like I have a jar filled with rocks. The rocks represent my beliefs and faith in certain things. My jar is filled with rocks! But there are also rocks that don’t quite fit my jar. They sit on the outside. Some have been in the jar and I’ve taken them out. Some have never been in. Some I question whether I will ever put in. Some I believe I can help change things to get them in! But, as long as there are more rocks in my jar than outside, I’m all in. I don’t feel because I have outside rocks that I need to ditch my jar all together – but some of those outside rocks are hard to see outside. I struggle and rely on prayer, humility,  learning, increasing knowledge and then of course faith. Your jar may be different than mine. You may value rocks differently. That’s ok. Let’s just try to love each other anyways. My kids know my biggest rock is family. If they decide their jar is not full enough for them to stay in the religion,  it is ok. Nothing will change my love and family rock.

So let’s come back to how my family are now all members?

I met Rob several years after being divorced. We met online. He looked a little too partyish for me by his pictures but my purpose was to just get out a bit as a break from being a single mom.  Our first date was breakfast and he was soooooo nice. Too nice. Men like that don’t exist.

Date two was the doozy: I’d tell him I was Mormon AND ask why he was divorced.

We survived. We more than survived. A month later we knew this was it and we were crazy in love. We married 10 months after our first date.  

I told him up front I would be raising my boys Mormon and therefore some things might spill over into our home (e.g family prayers, family home evening etc). He was fine with all  that because it was family oriented. I told him I would never ask him to become Mormon, nor his kids. I wanted him to always be true to himself and follow his heart. And I loved him regardless of religion. I knew he was a good, strong man of character and value. I knew we could have a beautiful life together but we had to support each other and respect each other’s views.

A couple of weeks after being married, Zandra begged to come to church. Why was she not allowed to go have “fun” with Zach and Josh? (lol – I’m not sure they would now say it’s all fun!!) It wasn’t fair. And so slowly, all the kids wanted to go and Rob figured it was a nice bonding for our family so said he would come along to support our family. That went on for a few years.

On vacation a couple of years later (a very long story about this too – for another time) Rob decided he wanted to get baptized and become a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I’m sure when people heard that they assumed I had pressured him or I had given him some type of ultimatum. In fact I heard that from some friends. It made sense to them that he’d want to convert for me. What they didn’t know was how well  things were going with him NOT being a member!!! In fact we fought about how I did NOT want him to join, in fear he was doing it for me! I argued, I pressured, I pushed…. for him NOT to join. It was a stressful time. Months later, he joined the Church  (I finally said I would support  him, lol). His joining caused so many challenges with his ex and the kids. The kids wanted to be baptized too by this stage but we said that they had to wait until they were 18 – they would not need their mothers permission then and could decide for themselves. Well, kids can have minds of their own. When Gabe was 17 he “rebelled” – and wanted to be baptized – and so he was. A couple of years later, Zandra  and Sam very peacefully got their mothers permission and were also baptized.

So here I find myself in the middle of a very non traditional Mormon family. Lol. Our friendship circles (and those of my kids) do include other members, however they are primarily made up of “non members” – of all walks of life. I feel very fortunate to have grown up with such diversity and raised my kids with that same diversity. All are loved, all our welcome in our home and we appreciate those who have embraced us too despite our differences.

That whole lonnnggggg story is just to give background on our life experience and the experience Zach has had and the perspective he will take on his mission…  

Stay tuned for some answers to some of your questions (and feel free to email me or leave a comment with questions). But, again, please understand the place from which I am answering these questions – I’m not up for contention ( I know how heated things can get with religion). Let’s just show the love and respect to each other always And, despite what you think you already know about Mormons, (more on that next post), please keep an open heart that maybe we are all just humans just trying to make sense of the world and do the best we can:)