Pick your Battles and Never Lose

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I stopped by at a friend’s the other day to drop something off and I was reminded of a valuable parenting tip I have learned and tried to live by.

Her daughter was being pretty stubborn about not wanting to do something. To some, that “something” could not be a big deal, but to my friend it was important. So, the advice that I passed on to her: Pick your battles with your kids. Then never lose.

You don’t want to fight with your kids for every tiny, little thing. It would be exhausting, and make your life pretty miserable.

But there are some things you just know you need to insist upon – whether your child likes it or not. Safety issues, for example, fall under the “non negotiable” category. Other things will fall under that category as well – but it is different for every family.

However, you need to let some things slide.

If you are willing to let things slide, then maybe it’s a battle you don’t want to bother picking to start with.

If you are not willing to let it slide, then it needs to be clear, that under no circumstance are you going to walk away without “winning”. I often let my kids know up front: “This is not one of those things I’m going to negotiate on”.

If you pick a battle, then engage in the fight, and then “lose”, you just teach your child that eventually, if they are stubborn enough and create enough of a fuss, you will give in. You may end up giving in on things you really don’t want to, or really shouldn’t – for your child’s sake. So, you must win. Choose your battles wisely.

It’s hard to decide what to put in the “let it slide” category vs the “must win ” category. Like I said before, different people/ families have different standards and values. You need to just decide what you are comfortable living with. There’s a happy medium. Some people pick too many battles, some pick the wrong battles and of course, we all know some people who need to pick at least one battle.

Of course, we all make mistakes. We have made decisions, engaged in fights we should not have engaged in, laid down the law and then realized we were wrong, let things slide when we really should have stepped in. Parenting is on a sharp learning curve.

That’s why along with the advice to “pick your battles and never lose” is the advice to “always apologize when you are in the wrong”. It also helps to remember that it is more important for your kids to be safe, secure, and develop character and values that will serve them well in their future than it is to be the “popular parent” for the night.

The Joy of Eating

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I am on the “Christmas Baking Kick” that my kids love so much.

I make about 16 different kinds of cookies and squares and we deliver plates to some friends and neighbours, and of course have a wealth of goodies for us to have throughout the holiday season.

Everyone has their favourites. Some have more than 1 favorite !

Gabe loves “Crack brownies” (caramel brownies), as does Rob.

Zach loves chocolate truffles.

Zandra likes a few things, but I think her favourite is Gran’s fudge.

Sam is not a big dessert guy, so I think he just enjoys the candies off the sugar cookies!

Josh loves everything of course, but has a favourite which he calls “Coconutties”. They are coconut macaroons (sort of a meringue cookie with coconut).

Last night I made truffles and coconutties. The timer was on for them to come out of the oven and I was in the living room. I then heard Josh counting, “10 ,9 ,8 , mom… 7… Mom… 3 , MOM…, 2, 1, M-O-M!!!!! The coconutties are done”!

Now luckily these things take a while to make. You bake them for 20 minutes, then you turn off the oven and they sit in the oven cooling for another 30 minutes. So, when you pull them out of the oven, they are already pretty cool.

I say luckily, because I barely had the tray out of the oven when Josh had reached over and taken two off the tray. He had been waiting all night for these and couldn’t control himself any more (he had spent the last hour peeking through the oven door).

I was just removing the rest from the tray when he was finishing off his first one.

Josh loves food. Well, certain food. He loves his desserts. His eyes were rolling (in a “sublime” kind of way), and he was licking his fingers, while saying “Mom, these are heavenly. So good. I love them. They are the best right out of the oven”. Then he polished off the next one (I had promised him he could have two as soon as they were ready – he would eat them all if I let him).

That night at bed, he told me how much he had loved them again and thanked me for making them.

His appreciation for food is so sweet. His appreciation for me making the food is even better.

It reminded me of the kind of love affair my Dad (Grandpa) and Josh’s great Grandfather on his Dad’s side (Great Grandad) had with food.

Grandpa loved to eat – much to Gran’s dismay as Grandpa also developed diabetes in later years. But he fully appreciated his food. He would always have a “little taste of everything”. (My kids might now know where I get my “buffet game” from!!).

I remember being really sad and going through a tough time and he showed up at my apartment (an hour and a half away for him by public transit)bearing danishes. Now, I don’t even like danishes. But I loved that he brought them to me. He loved them, so he figured they would help feed my soul….

Now that he has been gone for 8.5 years, I look (note look – not eat) quite fondly at danishes. We have danishes sometimes “In memory of Grandpa”. But my Dad certainly enjoyed his food.

Great Grandad really enjoyed his food. It was like he was having a heavenly experience. In between bites, he would be saying things like “Mmmm, this is so good. This is the best you’ve made, Jan” (aka “Ama” as the boys call their grandmother – his daughter). You really felt his enjoyment, and he really really appreciated the effort that went into cooking for him.

Josh eating, reminds me of these two men in very fond ways. I think maybe the enjoyment of food runs in the family – and Josh has that gene. The fact that he is so appreciative of the food (that he likes) makes it a pleasure to bake for him.

Although, I must admit, the opposite holds true too. If he doesn’t like it, you will know about it. We are working on that….

For now, at Christmas time, I get to watch eveyone enjoy the goodies that are baked, and reminisce about the family members that are likely still feasting in a place maybe not too far away – especially at Christmas.

Quote of the Week from my skids!

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“Don’t criticize the joy in people“
Gabe

“Don’t criticize what you’re not doing”
Alexandra

I have a couple of brilliant children on my hands.

We were missing a few people for dinner tonight (minus Rob at a work function and Zach and Josh at their Dad’s) and were discussing something I had seen posted on facebook. (It was an unusual Monday night for us as we rarely are not all together on Mondays:( )

We were talking about how some people who “do nothing” tend to criticize people who “do something”. They criticize how people don’t do something “properly” or the way “they would do it”, but they do nothing themselves except criticize!

Or the irony behind criticizing people for being judgmental when that is a judgment in itself.

Gabe noted how sometimes we do things that we find joy in, only to have someone criticize how we find that joy. He concluded that it was their issue and their loss as they are the ones who are missing out on the joy. Misery likes company I guess. If you can’t be joyful, then you might as well criticize and put down those who can.

Zandra subsequently pointed out how it is easy to criticize something someone else does – but often you are not doing anything to contribute, counter it or reach out yourself.

So I guess, my brilliant skids have some great words of wisdom: Keep your criticisms to yourself. If you are criticizing others or the way they do things, or what their beliefs are, you are only reflecting your own true character – not their’s.

Trim the Tree (s)

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Off we went yesterday to get our tree.

I got the kids some new Santa hats as their old ones were getting a bit raggedy.

They pulled out the wagon and spent a good 20 minutes outside, running around dangerously with that thing, but having a great time, while I tidied up after our traditional “decorate sugar cookies” morning.

(after clearly eating a few)

We then headed down the road to a local Church that sells Christmas trees. The kids looked so cute! It was like a Santa train.

While there, we searched for the perfect tree.

Well, Rob and I searched.

The kids got hooked onto an idea that they wanted their own little “Charlie Brown” Christmas tree to put in Zach and Gabe’s room.

Zach and Gabe share the top third loft floor of our house. We call it their bachelor pad, or the penthouse suite. The kids often all play up their together. They even run a little nightclub up there from time to time called “Club Zach” (it’s quite fun – you have to get a VIP pass to attend).

So they wanted their own tree for up there.

After trying to figure out if they could afford it all together (which made me appreciate how seriously they are taking money – so of course we were more than happy to reward them by buying it for them this time), they settled on a tiny little tree.

We settled on a beautiful, big tree.

We piled into our wagon and headed home.

We got it up with little problem.

The kids had a few mishaps with their little tree though:( (Although I do have a very funny video of me videoing as their tree fell and I screamed!!)

We decorated the tree together (the kids then decorated their own tree with the leftover ornaments).

Every year we give the kids a new, personalized ornament on Christmas Eve. Then, the next year, I lay out their “pile” of ornaments and they each hang their own on the tree. We don’t have a lot of generic ornaments anymore because everyone’s pile is getting big. (The kids will take their own pile when they leave home:)) Rob and I have our own pile too.

Rob always does an outstanding job with the lights – both on the tree and outside the house. We use white lights only – they remind me of little stars. (However, much to the dismay of some of our kids who think coloured lights are more fun and bright).

Then, we put Christmas music on, sing some carols, light a fire, sip some cocoa, and stare at the beautiful, twinkling Christmas tree.

Right. I wish.

Once up, I force the kids to pose for the annual Christmas tree picture.(At least they often want a shot on their own cameras too) before they race off to get back to doing whatever they want to go do.

But late at night Rob and I curl up in our cozy blankets, put some Christmas music on and do sit and marvel at the beautiful, twinkling Christmas tree.

Christmas is pretty magical.

Keep it Simple

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My girlfriend told me their plans for the PA day that we had today.

They were going to drive an hour outside the city to a local farm and get out and search for the ideal, perfect Christmas tree, chop it down by themselves, then head home to decorate while sipping hot chocolate.

In my mind, I thought, “Ooh, ahhh, what a great idea. Finding and chopping your very own Christmas tree. What a great idea. What an amazing tradition. Maybe we should….”

Wait.

What am I saying?

Didn’t I just have a long conversation with myself, my husband and my BFF about “keeping it simple”?

I know, but chopping your own tree? Really cool!

But we barely have time all together over Christmas as it is (’tis the seson that truly sucketh for divorced families fa la la)!

Over the past few days, I have literally been thinking of everything we “have” to do around Christmas time, and in the spirit of “do everything from a place of goodness”, I was evaluating the activities and traditions that we did do.

I was saying to Rob, sometimes I feel the “fancy” things that we do with the kids end up going “unnoticed anyways”. Whether we take them to the local tobogganing hill, or the biggest one in the city – usually goes unnoticed. The local skate rink vs the light and music filled one? Little difference. Chop a tree down, vs walk to the local church with a wagon, with the kids wearing Santa hats pulling each other on the way down, and the tree on the way home. They don’t flinch. Bake 4 different kinds of cookies vs 20? Well, my kids would notice that one.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with doing the “fancy” thing. In fact, the argument certainly holds for many things: renting a simple cottage vs going to a Carribean resort technically has the same effect for your kids: you bond, you share, you spend time together, you have fun, you relax. You don’t have to spend oodles of money or do something glamourous to have the same effect. I know that.

But, certain things I really want to do – so I do them (bigger vacations is one of those things).

However, I can’t do it all. Or, I can’t do it all now. As the saying goes “Life is long”. There is time to everything. Just not all at once. Not this week. Maybe not this year. Maybe never.

But maybe by missing out on a few really cool ideas, by keeping it simple, by focusing on what we do have and do do, I will be a lot more present in the moment.

Because that is what my kids will remember.

Doing the traditions that we do have, spending the time together whether fancy or elaborate. They will remember me enjoying these things with them, rather than being all stressed out in the holiday season.

Keep it simple is a good gift for myself and my family this Christmas.

House to Home

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I had the great opportunity the other night to attend a friend’s workshop. She had emailed me on the spur of the moment and asked if I wanted to attend. Sometimes last minute things work out the best, and I was able to go!

Sara is an incredible person who I met initially as we were buying and selling our houses. Sara was the “Interior Designer” and would stage the house. As I got to know her, I began to realize that Sara was not just a decorator, or an interior designer. Sara was a deeply spiritual person who knew how to help you connect your home and your life in a beautiful and inspirational way.

Recently I have been feeling like I am on a quest to make our “house” feel more like “home”. It will be 4 years in April that we will have been here and I feel I am beginning to understand our home’s personality. I guess I am also beginning to feel our family culture more and more as we continue blending.

So, I bought some great blankets, as I talked about here. A few weeks ago, I also finally put up the photos from our March Break Punta Cana photo shoot up along the staircase. Everytime I look at this wall, I love it.

It reminds me of my kids when they aren’t here and it reminds me of the fun and love we share – all the time. We also did the great big cleanup not so long ago, that I talked about here. So,I have been on a subconscious mission to go from house to home.

When Sara emailed me and invited me to attend her intro “HouseHeal Power Hour” – I jumped at the chance. I knew it would help me on the journey of making my little slice of heaven on earth.

And it did.

The first thing I learned is that your home does not reflect who you are; it reflects how you are.

Your energy, your mental state, how well you are taking care of yourself and how connected you are to who you really are.

Certain areas in your home are more connected to you than others. Sara helps you identify “red, yellow and green light zones”. We all have these zones – the red zones that are painful to walk into, that look and feel like a bomb went off, that make you just feel overwhelmed as you near the zone. The green ones are the ones that are inviting, pleasing and you are eagerly drawn to. You can feel the positive energy flow freely through these areas. The yellow – well, somewhere in between.

I certainly identified with these areas. My office: red zone for sure. Not surprising, that is where I feel most overwhelmed and stressed. Green zones: well, those were hard to identify for me I realized because I sort of feel that I have a lot of “almost green zones” – so I guess, yellow zones in my house right now: many rooms that are almost how I want them.

And it is not just about decorating, although that is part of it. It is about beautifying, it is about tidying, it is about cleaning. It is about choosing things that reflect who you are, what you stand for, what makes you comfortable. It is about getting rid of the clutter that clutters your rooms and your mind too. It is about trying to please yourself and not just doing things (and keeping things) out of obligation.

Another gem I learned was how we need to be doing things from a “place of goodness”. What does that mean? We need to not be doing things out of anger, guilt, resentment, frustration, or pressure. I guess that goes for changes in our home, as well as within our relationships. Lasting changes, genuine changes will only stick if we are doing them from a good place.

Finally, Sara talked about the 3 keys that you must master to create the home you want to be in: awareness (of what is really going on in your home and in your life), a desire (a vision, a plan, a motivation) and willingness (drive, openness, compulsion).

It was motivating to come home and look around at the “zones” I want to tackle. They don’t all have to be tackled now (especially right before Christmas), but in the New Year, there are some small changes I can make that will move a few rooms into nice green zones.

There is so much more to learn, but I got enough for the moment to help me on my house to home quest. More info on Sara Brown Crowder and her magical workshops can be found on her great website HouseHeal.

Secret Santa

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The other tradition that started up on December 1st is “Secret Santa”.

This one is certainly a favorite with the kids.

Each child draws another child’s name at the beginning of the month. They are to play “Secret Santa” and buy small gifts and/or perform small acts of kindness and service throughout the month. They then purchase a main Christmas gift for their Secret Santa recipient and reveal themselves on Christmas Eve.

Of course, everyone has usually figured out who their Secret Santa is by hour two (little kids have a habit of somehow letting it slip!).But that doesn’t seem to stop them from enjoying the tradition!

This year one Secret Santa upped the ante already. They purchased a big Crunchie chocolate bar and a big container of Pringles for Josh. He was in pure heaven.

Everyone was jealous.

I suggested the kids write a little letter for their Secret Santa giving suggestions of ideas that they would like.

I took that idea from the suggestion people often make to newlyweds: don’t assume your spouse knows the little things that are important to you. Each spouse should make a list of things they would like or need, or the little acts or tokens that make them feel loved. Then, they are to exchange lists with their spouse, and over the years, try to give their spouse gifts off this list. Basically, learn to speak “their love language”.

So the kids sat down and wrote lists. I made them include some material goods, as well as some acts of service that would be meaningful to them. Common themes included chips and chocolate, school supplies (pencils, erasers), notes, back tickles (we are a big tickling family it appears!), making beds, getting toothbrush out in the morning, getting backpack ready for school etc. Josh included things like a soccer jersey, a soccer ball, an A on his dictee….Rob reminded him his Secret Santa was not a wish genie!

Zach copied down the list his Secret Santa recipient wrote down and keeps this copy in his pocket for “quick reference”.

I made a little list for myself too for them in case they wanted to be my Secret Santa in real secret! (I included things like peace and quiet, a little respect, and non stop hair tickles of course).

I also told them I was happy to help them get some stuff (as the little ones can’t go shopping on their own). Today, I had requests to buy 4 chocolate bars. Every kid was hoping their Secret Santa was going to be giving them their favorite bar!

I really love the little notes that get written, and the favorite toys that get given away, and the chores that magically seem to get done! I love being asked to help be sneaky and deliver gifts or pass along a little something special. I love it even more when the kids excitedly tell me how their Secret Santa recipient reacted to their surprise gift! I love that they get to see the joy of giving.

For family nights in the month of December we also focus on Christmas – and read inspirational Christmas stories and talk about the true meaning of Christmas. This week we read a great story about service and giving, then watched one of our favorite classics, “Mr Kruger’s Christmas” which is a great example of service and reaching out to those less fortunate.

I want our children to be constantly reminded of the true meaning of Christmas, that giving is better than receiving, and to learn to love and serve each other all year round. Secret Santa at least lets us have those thoughts actively on our minds for one month.

Tonight for bed time prayers, Sam asked that “Secret Santas be really good to everyone tomorrow and Quiet Elfie would find a good spot to hide”. I had to suppress my little giggle, but it really warmed my heart.

Quote of the Week

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“Imitation is the greatest form of flattery“.

Sometimes the kids get upset because someone is copying them and they resent it. However, if you look at it from the perspective that there is a reason why they copy you – because you are doing something worth copying, it really does become a compliment, rather than an annoyance.

It reminds me of a quote that a blog reader sent me a few months ago that speaks to this:

“Nothing is original, steal from anywhere that resonates with inspiration or fuels your imagination. Devour old films, new films, music, books, paintings, photographs, poems, dreams, random conversations, architecture, bridges, street signs, trees, clouds, bodies of water, light, and shadows. Select only things to steal from that speak directly to your soul. If you do this, your work (and theft) will be authentic. Authenticity is invaluable; originality is non-existant. And don’t bother concealing your thievery – celebrate it if you feel like it. In any case, always remember what Jean Luc Goddard said, “It’s not where you take things from – its’ where you take them to”– Jim Jarmusch.