That Time of Year

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I can start to feel Christmas in the air!

The kids are busy making their lists, and starting to talk about our Christmas traditions.

As Christmas draws closer, we start to watch as many Christmas movies as possible. On Saturday night, we kicked the year off with “Elf”.

We chose this movie as the kids wanted to have a movie night where we got tons of snacks (like they saw on an episode of “Gilmore Girls”), and a big sleepover in the basement.

We had a total piggy fest : with chocolate, candy, chips and popcorn. It was quite appropriate for the movie “Elf”.

Here they all are filling their cups that we always use for our popcorn holders: (sorry – iphone pics again)

We also squeezed in a few more episodes of Gilmore Girls!

On Sunday, Zach cooked his surprise dinner: lamp chops, potatoes, carrots and caesar salad. Finally, he is starting to eat salads! Josh is the only one left that still struggles with “salads”.

So, the Christmas traditions have started! Can’t wait for them to be in full swing. I actually love Christmas:)

Acceptance

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The other day I was having a conversation with Josh about noses.

I was commenting how I didn’t like my nose.

Josh sweetly said, “Everyone has a nose that is just right for their face”.

He then pushed my nose in, and then turned my nose up and said, “See. These noses wouldn’t suit you”.

Acceptance. That’s what it is all about. We all have exactly what is just right for us:)

Draw a circle around yourself because that is where you are meant to be

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As much as I think “looking to do better” is important as I discussed here, I wanted to take a minute to talk about “being happy where you are” too.

I don’t know where I heard it, but I remember hearing “Draw a circle around yourself because that is where you are meant to be at this time”.

It struck me profoundly at the time as I guess I was questioning what I was doing in the spot I was in.

Now I think of it not only when I am questioning “why” about circumstances, but also when I want to remember to “be there” and enjoy the absolute present.

As much as I think it is important to always be striving for our best, I think we need to be paying just as much attention to accepting exactly who we are now.

They say when we fall in love, we need to make sure we fall in love with exactly the person in front of us, and not the person we think the person has the potential of being.

That goes for falling in love with ourselves too.

We need to love ourselves at this exact moment: with this hairstyle, with this weight, doing this job, making this amount of money, with this personality, with these strengths and these weaknesses, with these friends, with this family. We need to just accept things for being the way they are.

And we need to try to be accepting of everyone around us.

This may seem to go against the “Expectations” post I just wrote. It seems expectations are always pushing someone to change. While we may want to push people to develop their full potential, we need to also celebrate exactly who they are and what they are now. It’s not the outcome we need to accept. It is the process.

At times, we will be stagnant and need a push. That is ok. At times we may be in a great spot and don’t need to change a thing. That is ok too. At times we may feel disappointment or hurt, and that is fine.

Accepting our circumstances doesn’t mean not striving to do better. It just means not waiting for ourselves to be better before we accept ourselves.

Accept that we are a work in progress and are on a lifelong journey. We need to just enjoy every step along the way in that journey.

Another Perspective on Expectations

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I love my husband dearly because he is the perfect mix between soft and hard; intellectual and emotional (ok – he needs to learn to cry a bit more); passive and aggressive (but not both at the same time:); rational and irrational (ok he is a lot more rational); and fun and strict. You get tthe point.

As I said in my previous post on expectations, we both have been talking a lot about “What expectations are and if they are reasonable and necessary”. My post was a bit all over the place and emotionally driven. He wrote something that I wanted to share that is much more abstract and scientific.

I have to admit when I first read it, I got lost in the first few paragraphs as it is quite scientific. But by the time I got to the end, I got his perspective and it gave me MORE to think about about expectations!

Whether one of us is “right” or one of us is “wrong” or both of us are “right” or both of us are “wrong”, I love that we both are thinking about it!

Here is his contribution:

“I have been reading a great book called “On Intelligence” by Jeff Hawkins that explores emerging neuroscience and how our brains work (I’ve had it for 4 years now and admit have read it sporadically but nonetheless am reading it again).

It is interesting because Jeff was the inventor of the Palm Pilot and Treo Smart phone (now somewhat extinct devices). What is fascinating in his book is the easy and clear way in which he breaks down how we both perceive and take in the world around us by exploring the way our neo cortex works.

In essence, he presents us with a model of a layered cortex wherein each of the layers connects from lower regions to higher regions. In the lowest region of the visual cortex, he described the saccades of eye movement and how we take in the billions of small bits of information every second with our eye. In short, our eyes are always jittering left and right and taking in fragments of our surroundings. These fragments enter our lower region of the cortex as disparate, disconnected bits of information. At this level, if we were to peer in to see what our brain was seeing it would be a bit messy and confusing. However, this is where the hierarchical structure of the cortex takes over. These spurious and large amounts of data are fed up a level to the next region where rather than looking at every piece of data, the region is given a pattern or as the author calls it an “invariant representation”. For example, each region in our brain has these types of short cuts, wherein the region sees a series of lines that are associated with the shape of an eye and the red of lips, etc, etc. The invariant representation of “face” is call upon instantly. Invariant, as it implies, means these things or representations don’t change much. The pattern has an association that the cortex region draws upon and reuses. There is no need to analyze all of the input. The pattern is there, the invariant representation is used and passed on to the next region. That region may draw on other features like colours and specific features that can then start to pass on to other regions to form recognition of specific individuals or things or places etc.

To get a real understanding of the science you really need to read Hawkins book, but the point is our brains eventually become trained to look and leverage patterns. Indeed, our brains start to expect these patterns and predict them. It is this very expectation and prediction of patterns that allows us to be such remarkably quick, efficient and successful creatures.

All of this is to say that we are wired to expect things. In fact without it our world becomes a much more difficult thing to manage. From a pure neuroscience perspective, imagine if we had to re interpret and assign everything we take in visually before we could recognize our surroundings. This is in fact how computers, until more recently, operated. When presented with new information, each piece needed to be analyzed, pieced together, and interpreted to form the whole picture. Not until the final picture was assembled would the device be able to recognize what it is.

Luckily, this is not how we work. So why would this not be the case for our social world? Why would this not be the case for our relationships with other human beings? Well the answer, in my mind, is that is must be.

So why am I writing this? Well it has been an increasing trend in our self help world of the “me” generation to declare that in life, if you are going to be happy, you are not to place expectations on others. The theory goes that if you place expectations on others, you are imposing, in a somehow less than honest or forthright way, displaced needs. These needs are a selfish indulgence that one needs to acknowledge but don’t dare integrate in to an expectation of how the world, or more importantly, the people in your world, should behave. In short, the mantra of this new philosophy is to place no expectations on others’ behaviour as this is sure to end in disappointment and dismay because they are individuals who you cannot control.

To me, this is akin to the example of the computer above. That somehow we can’t form invariant representations of behaviour or decency, or family love or relationship love, or friendship. To think that we can only take social or relationship inputs as they are fed to us, and that these need to be analyzed free of any expectation does not make much sense me. Indeed, what is likely happening is that we rely on the invariant representations of relationship based on how we have processed these things from very early on. Our brains are trained as we grow up both in the pure neuroscience way (as Hawkins describes) and in our social ways.

Perhaps those who are hold the “no expectations” approach to living with others ARE in fact drawing on representations of relationship that they have concluded are variant. In other words, they have trained themselves to come to expect failure and disappointment because they recognize no other patterns. So behaviours like a celebration of another’s success, throwing a birthday bash, or simply massaging your partner’s neck without prompting are not patterned for these individuals and as such these people have failed to form an invariant representation of that kind of relationship. Their brains are unable to draw in a pattern that will create happiness and success. They don’t have the pattern established. Instead they are stuck taking in inputs as each situation presents itself.

To put it in a more real world scenario, when someone is treating you like crap, or is never considerate, or never on time, or never expressing their feelings or intentions, this should recall a pattern of “this is bad” or “I don’t like this” because your invariant representation of relationship has a very different and distinct pattern. As such, the scenario should NOT be classified as “relationship” but as something entirely different like “bad relationship” or “asshole” or some other association.

In the end, perhaps the advocates of the “no expectation” club are in fact just like everyone else. They also have tons of expectations. Unfortunately however they have created stronger patterns of negative outcomes or patterns expectant of failure rather than those who have patterns of expectations around what is good. This includes how to be good to others and what to “expect” from those around you who fit the pattern of good.

Maybe the “no expectations” people simply just have the wrong expectations – as perhaps there is no such thing as “no expectations”. They may think that relationships are variant because in concluding this, they are simply relying on their own negative, invariant representation of relationship. Perhaps they need to experience what is a good relationship and start re forming their patterns and adopt an invariant representation of relationships that is good. Only then can they expect to have happiness by expecting things of others”.

Expectations and Boundaries

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A couple of months ago, we got into a discussion with Rob’s sister about “expectations”. There has been some ongoing issues in Rob’s family, and his sister pointed out to us that we had “expectations” of people and that was the problem. We needed to set aside our expectations and just go with the flow. Perhpas we would be able to come to a better place because no expectations were in place. I think the theory goes along the line of “No expectations, no disappointment”.

It was a fascinating idea and Rob and I had lots of discussions about it. I decided to spend some time thinking, pondering and yes, researching the “No Expectations” vs “Expectations” theories.

I discovered that as with everything else, there are two very strong and compelling camps about Expectations. Obviously, everyone builds their own experiences based on their own life history and reality – so that is always the first thing to consider. If you have been burned by expectations in the past, then you might be closer to accepting the “No Expectations” camp. However, if setting expectations has always served you well, then obviously, you would be closer to that camp.

I also discovered that there are differences in how I defined expectations compared to others. Often what I defined as an expectation others defined as “needs”, “standards” or “boundaries”. So while many claimed to have “No Expectations”, people did have some sort of boundaries in place.

The two schools of thought look something like this (in the simplest terms):

The argument for having “No Expectations”: Having expectations of ourselves and others places an enormous amount of pressure on both ourselves and others. With expectations, we run the risk of disappointment. We may also run the risk of not achieving what we think we can when we place the expectations on ourselves, or the risk of ruining relationships with others that could have otherwise thrived – and been even greater than we could have ever imagined. Expectations could limit the potential, create feelings of inadequacy and can cripple your own growth or someone else’s. If we have no expectations, we open the doors to the universe and anything can happen. We avoid disappointments and embrace what is meant to happen.

This is a very compelling argument. Although I think it’s funny that the “No expectations” argument assumes the expectation of “no disappointment”. So really, there are expectations about not having expectations, no?

The flip side is the argument for having expectations. If we don’t have expectations of ourselves, perhaps we will be prone to accepting less than we might be able to achieve with a little extra belief and push. Or, if you open your non-judgmental heart and accept whatever actions others deem appropriate regardless of whether these have a negative impact on yourself or them or others – will that make for a good relationship either? Does having no expectations allow relationships to become unhealthy (selfish, perhaps abusive even) and create more of the “it’s all about me” culture that is detrimental to a relationship? The positive is that creating expectations could push people to be their best and invest in a relationship.

Both these camps seem to have some compelling arguments!

I think the word “expectations” carries a lot of “expectations” and can also be a misnomer. Perhaps those who use words like “needs” or “standards” or “boundaries” are on to something.

I do think having expectations can be a slippery slope for any relationship. But, I also think having no expectations can be limiting for many relationships.

I take a simple, basic example. I am turning 40 next year (eek!). If I have an expectation that Rob is going to plan a surprise (something like a vacation or a cruise somewhere, with all of my close friends – because of course he knows I would love that and I would – and in my ideal world it would happen – LOL!), I might be disappointed with him if he doesn’t follow through with that, and disappointed with my friends if they didn’t do anything either. If I have no expectations, then I would never be disappointed. I should then be happy with whatever celebration – or not – that he plans. No expectations – no disappointment.

But here’s my problem. I would not be happy with no acknowledgement from my husband and close friends. And yes, essentially, that would be my problem. I could pretend that I had no expectations, and be happy with whatever half hearted celebration they deemed appropriate for me, but it would still hurt. I think having unrealistic expectations of a surprise cruise is just that – unrealistic. But, is it wrong to have some expectation that I am worthy of my husband and close friends acknowledging my birthday? Is not having any expectations setting an expectation in itself: one that says you don’t need to be mindful of me because I don’t need or want your mindfulness?

When I have a relationship with someone, I do think that there needs to some expectations. Perhaps though, we shouldn’t call it an expectation. Perhaps instead there needs to be communication and an agreement between two people of some minimum “standards”. We all have needs, and I have every right to express my needs. And that is a key point – I need to express my needs and not assume that someone else should just immediately know them. Of course, the other person has every right not to fulfill my needs. I can’t place an expectation on anyone per se, but in a relationship, such as marriage, there is an agreement between us of things that we might try to do for each other. I guess that agreement can be different for each person. So, perhaps calling it an “agreement” or a “standard” between us is better than calling it an “expectation”.

When we made the agreement to be married, with that came certain standards that we agreed upon. For sure for us, we have the standard agreement of fidelity and loyalty. We also have a standard that we both strive to communicate our needs, and then think of each other to help each other fulfill our needs. It is not his responsibility to fulfill my needs, and if I have that expectation I may be disappointed. But we do have an agreed upon standard that we strive to uphold. Disappointment is inevitable I think – which is why we have forgiveness in our lives. With or without expectations, disappointment is inevitable as we are fallible. It is how we deal with that disappointment. I think that if the constant result in our lives is disappointment, we have the option of trying to put aside all our expectations and then never have to feel the pain of disappointment. But perhaps constant disappointment in a relationship is the universe’s way of letting us know that the relationship is a not a healthy one to start with. Get rid of the expectations, or seek a new relationship?

Expectations are values we place on other people – so that might be where the problem lies. We absolutely cannot control people, and cannot make them act a certain way that is for sure. However, our own personal standards are values we place on ourselves. And that ties into boundaries as well. Those, I believe we need to set for ourselves, to ensure we are being true to ourselves.

Having “No expectations” does seem to imply that I have to accept everything people do to me – or not do. I have to be non-judgmental and take what I am given with no disappointment. While I cannot place expectations on other people’s behaviour, I certainly have boundaries of things that I cannot and will not accept. These boundaries would then still have to be dealt with and negotiated in our relationship. Meaning, I can’t place an expectation that Rob will throw me a surprise party, but I certainly can have a boundary that if my husband forgets to acknowledge my birthday, I’m not going to just say “It is my problem to deal with because it was unfair of me to put expectations on him in the first place”. What my reaction might look like will depend on our “emotional bank account” and how vested we are in our relationship with each other. Forgiveness might come easily, or it may be a more uphill battle.

As a parent, expectations are a very tricky thing too. There is huge debate on this. If expectations are set too low – your kids may end up feeling like you don’t believe in them, or they may undershoot their potential, or they may just not end up trying things for themselves that are challenging. They could also end up accepting treatment that is not respectful and end up feeling quite worthless.

If expectations are set too high, then you may run the risk of them feeling like they can never measure up, that they are a constant disappointment, that they aren’t good enough. They could become too demanding of others around them, or feel rejected from others around them. This too can lead to feeling quite worthless.

So again, is there a happy medium? Do we not have to have some level of expectation to provide them with some direction? Or again, perhaps we should just use the words “standards or boundaries” to avoid the negative connotation “expectations” seems to have.

Professor Randy Pausch in his “Last Lecture” speech, talked about how he didn’t want to set the bar for his students, as he might actually be preventing them from achieving what their full potential was as he might set the bar too low for their ingenious minds. However, he certainly had a minimum bar set – or else they would fail the course.

So, perhaps there is a minimum bar that needs to be set for our kids. I don’t “expect” my kids to get straight “A’s”, but I certainly think there is a certain work ethic that they should strive for, in order for them to achieve whatever their potential may be. As a parent, it is my job to help them develop and internalize this standard for themselves. It is also my job to help them identify and develop boundaries of how to treat others and the kind of treatment to accept. I want them to know that they are precious human spirits, and do deserve the respect and love that is available. They don’t have to accept anything that anyone gives them. In turn, they need to give out the respect and love that they are capable of giving and that other people deserve. I don’t really want to teach my children to have no “expectations” (or boundaries or standards whatever you want to call it)of anyone! I think that is teaching a rather pessimistic view of life and of relationships. I want to teach them to shoot for the moon, and that it is ok if you land in the stars. I don’t want to teach them not to shoot for anything so they won’t be disappointed wherever they end up; they should just hope that they get to the moon or beyond anyway.

I guess “expectations” are also dependent on the type of relationship you have with someone. For sure, having any expectations of an ex-spouse is a huge set up for disappointment. That is a clear cut case of “no expectations – no disappointment”. Having expectations on a “new” relationship could also be a recipe for disaster. Or not. I think sometimes we end up dating the wrong person, or working on a “dead” relationship because we didn’t have high enough expectations for ourselves. We let ourselves be treated poorly because it is not fair to place expectations on others. But should we not have some standards for ourselves? Perhaps it is helpful to also have no expectations on someone that you really don’t care all that much about anyways.

Maybe we need to have certain expectations in certain relationships, depending on the nature of the relationship, the history of the relationship (this is a very important factor), the meaning or value of the relationship.

However, having no “expectations” for everything can be very limiting. In the relationships that I value the most, I want to know their needs, their values and their desires. I want to help them achieve these things. In turn, I want to be able to communicate my needs, wants and desires and be high enough on their priority list that they are interested in helping me fulfill them. There are inherent agreements set in relationships, that if broken, either need repair, reshaping, or perhaps abandoning. There are boundaries of respect that need to be respected!

So, as you can see it is a complicated thing. There are a lot of factors to consider and that come into play. I think unrealistic expectations are damaging, but no expectations are just as damaging.

I do know though that I want to be engaged in relationships where both parties are interested in giving 100%. No, I can’t force anyone to do that. But then, I can choose who I engage in relationships with. Perhaps expectations is the wrong word, perhaps there is a happy medium between high and low expectations. I certainly think there are boundaries and standards and agreements that need to be established for a healthy relationship to grow and flourish.

Sorry for the length. Much to contemplate:)

Regular Life

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Zach has started to read my blog more consistently (Hi Sweetie! Love you! Lol. Doing that just to tease him:))

I started a blog back in 2008 and wrote in it sporadically until May 2011 when I switched to this one. I decided to print the original blog out and made a cute little book of it. I started reading it over and was amazed at all the little things I had forgotten! Zach started reading it too and enjoyed asking me questions and reading the stories and memories. The other night, we read a “story” from it – it was a memory of an experience we had had together that I had documented (“The Pink Ball”). Just reading it together was a tender moment – and brought tears to both our eyes. It made me realize how important it is to me to document the little things so that the memories are solidified and I have a record to share; which later bonds us together as we share it.

I noted that many of the things that are fun to look back on are the small details and ho hum moments happening at the time. They may not be fun to read for some readers of this blog; but they are certainly fun for me and my family – which is who this blog is really for anyhow:)

Perhaps things like Gabe coming home with the permission forms for the school trip at the end of the year and courageously saying he was going and acting excited about it. I know it is very very stressful for him. But what a long way he has come to try to face his fear and do something really hard for him, and commit to going to this 3 day trip! Or the fact that last week I got a very organized email with his Christmas list ideas, dividing what he was asking for from us and then from his Mom. Loved the organization and loved the fact that he addressed the email to both me and his Mom, rather than sending it to us separately. Why should he always have to divide his life like that? He is one person, and should be able to blend his whole life without worrying about things like “is it ok to address an email to both of them”. Good for him!

Alexandra got a letter in the mail the other day from her best friend Insa who unfortunately moved to England in the summer. Rob said she literally squealed with delight when she got it. When I got home, she immediately asked me to read it, then she quickly finished her homework so she could write her a letter back! The next day, she proudly carried her letter to school to show all her friends. I also love that as she is growing, she is still somewhat a little girl:) On her Christmas list is another American Girl Doll (she is absolutely dying to go to New York to the American Girl Store) and an Easy Bake Oven. She still is my Friday night TV show buddy: Say Yes to the Dress is still a favorite of ours! But Gilmore Girls was supposed to replace that, however all the boys want to watch that too with us so we always need to wait for them!!

I don’t want to forget how excited Zach is to be on the school rugby team! He must have said a thousand times a day before the tournament that he was excited about the tournament! They won.

I wasn’t able to go – but Rob went for a bit and surprised Zach as he didn’t think anyone could go (and took the above picture on his iphone). He is trying to find things for his Christmas list: has some soccer stuff (soccer is still a real passion), but we are going window shopping next week on his PA day so he can get a few ideas! He is enjoying taking guitar lessons and it is great to hear him practicing and I’m amazed at how well he plays given the short time he has been taking lessons. He is also liking violin that he is taking at school -along with Zandra. Zach is heading over to his best bud Caz’s for a sleepover tomorrow night and is so excited about that.

Josh is passionate about soccer still. I’m not sure that will ever change. He was selected to play Rep next year and is looking forward to that. He finishes his homework as quick as possible so he can go outside to play soccer – often on his own as the other boys are still working. Now with the time change, he is playing outside still while it is pitch black. He argues that he can still see when we tell him to come in! On his Christmas list, it is no surprise that everything soccer is on it: soccer ball, soccer cards, soccer book and a couple of Jersey’s (which he spells “gerese”). The only one little “different” thing on his list is that he wants a “horsy – brone” (brown). He was in Home Depot with Rob a couple of weeks ago and saw a rocking horse he fell in love with and now wants it from Santa!! He erased the “golf clubes and golf balles” that were originally on it (???). I was able to snap a pic of it on my i-phone (MR= Mom and Rob; D – Dad):

I already shared Sam’s cuteness with his Christmas list on a blog post the other day. He still wants that Magic Wand!! Sam is getting into the groove of doing his homework too. Everybody does it at the dining room table right after school – so now he joins them! The other day he was doing a reading program on the computer that he had for homework where the book is read aloud to him and he has to repeat and answer questions. Everyone was working hard when all of a sudden we heard Sam repeating the voice from the reading program: “The police play with guns”. We all turned and said “What?? What are you reading?” Then he repeated it again and the voice said, “You are correct”! What kind of books is he reading!!

So, that is a small snippet of some daily, ho hum stuff. But even the ho-hum stuff is really cute and meaningful to me:) I don’t want to forget these daily moments. Afterall, it’s the moments that make our life worth living.

Marking Territory

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One of my favorite shows on TV right now is “Parenthood”. I find it has some realistic family stuff, some interesting plot lines, and can be funny and emotional.

The other night there was a story line about Crosby – the youngest son in the Braverman family, who has a young son (Jabbar) with his old girlfriend. He broke up with this girlfriend/mother of his son, and although he really wants to get back together with her, she has moved on.

Not only has she moved on, but she moved on with this guy (Dr. Jo) who is taking a great interest in not only her, but Jabbar as well.

During the episode, Crosby is faced with his son making positive comments about Dr. Jo – the “step father figure” – about how they watched a movie together, played together, are going to a football game together etc. Crosby is pretty upset about it. He is jealous that HIS son is sharing all these things with some other guy. He bursts into Dr. Jo’s office and reads him a bit of a riot act: “You may be dating my ex, but he is my son, and you can’t be doing things with him that I am supposed to do with him” etc. Dr. Jo says nothing; Crosby leaves, likely feeling “he showed him”.

Near the end of the episode, you see Dr. Jo burst into Crosby’s office and gives Crosby the tickets to the football game that he was planning on taking Jabbar to. Nice thing to do. Crosby is happy; he will now get to take Jabbar to his first game – something that “the father” should be doing. Crosby must have felt victory. He marked his territory and got the enemy off his turf.

But did he?

As Dr. Jo is leaving, he turns to Crosby and tells him while he might have given in on the football game, Crosby better start getting used to having to “share his son”. He (Dr. Jo) is now in the picture, and like it or not, he is there to stay. Crosby can’t change that, so might as well start trying to accept it.

Back to you Crosby.

It reminded me of my early days as a step mom – and of having my kids have a step mom.

I remember my ex telling me his new girlfriend was going to come to the boys’ Christmas concert. I said, “No way. Not a Christmas concert”. We discussed it, and he conceded and she didn’t come; I think he realized I was not ready. However, he did say to me, “Like or not, one day she will come to Christmas concerts and do other things and you will have to be fine with it”. It was so true, but I didn’t like it. It did take time, but I did become fine with it. Eventually, I didn’t even think about whether she would come to activities or not, or do things with or for my boys or not. It didn’t change how I mothered my boys, so what she did or did not do with my boys didn’t affect me personally: but it did affect the boys.

When I was first with Rob, I had a similar experience with his ex. She didn’t like something I did, and sent me a nasty email. In the last paragraph she marked her territory with a “You will be in my children’s life only as far as you are married to their father, but you will have no say in anything about them or any decision related to them”. I politely responded to her that I respected the fact that she was their mother, and that I had no plans to take over her mother position. But, the cold hard truth for her was I was now in their lives, and like it or not, I was there to stay.

Needless to stay, we all know how it turns out. To this day, I hear all the time, “Who does she think she is”? “She is not your mother”. She seemingly resents anything that I do that vaguely resembles a “maternal” thing. Unfortunately for her I guess, I am not a shrinking violet. I am happy to respect her role as a mother, but at the same time I am not going to sit back and not do things for my skids because of her own insecurities. I am not going to leave them out of things, not do things for them, not sign their test when they bring them to me, not attend things that are important to them because she has a jealousy factor that she needs to get over. I will fill in the blanks when things are missed. If she doesn’t do it, I will. The ironic thing is, if I didn’t do these things, she would likely criticize me for not doing things, for leaving her kids out, for not being a nice Stepmother. There’s no winning anyways.

So, I will do what is right for me and my skids. I will nourish and develop a relationship with my skids independent of everyone around us. I am not going anywhere. I am here to stay.

So, Crosby has two choices. He can fight Dr. Jo on everything or try to villainize him – but it won’t help Jabbar (in fact it will hurt his relationship with his son in the long run), and it doesn’t change the fact that Dr. Jo is there to stay and will spend time with Jabbar and do things with Jabbar regardless of Crosby’s jealousy. Or, Crosby can just accept it, embrace the role that Dr. Jo will play in raising his son and try to make a happy environment that Jabbar can thrive in. Can’t wait to see how it all unfolds.

I love you when you’re happy. I love you when you’re sad. I love you all the time even when I’m really really mad.

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When the boys were little, I often would sing them songs as part of our bedtime routine. Most of the songs were ones I had learned from my Dad when I was little (Molly Maloney, My Bonnie Lies over the Ocean, Peas Porridge Hot) and then I added a few of my own (Lulla-lulla-bye, Maybe, Somewhere Over the Rainbow, You’re Not Alone). They each had a special routine: I would sing them the songs in “their own” order and/or I would change words to the songs (It was always “My Doggie Lies over the Ocean” and “Molly Baloney” with Josh).

Sometimes I would “make up a song” and sing it to them. It often started with something like “I love you when you’re happy. I love you when you’re sad” – to the tune of “Skinnamarink” by Sharon, Lois and Bran. I would then make up lines for all the ways I loved them: I love you in your underwear, I love you when you win, I love you when you lose, I love you when you stand on your head, I love you when you sneeze etc. Most importantly, I would always remind them that I love them when I’m mad, or when they are mad, or when they freak out or I freak out, or when they cry, or when they say I’m being mean etc. etc.. I wanted them to always know that no matter what, I loved them. The song usually made them giggle, then laugh and often they would come up with some of their own lines (e.g. do you love me when I stink?).

Last night while I was cleaning up the dishes after dinner, Gabe walked by and said “You know why I like punishments in this house”?

He quickly clarified :”Well, I never like punsihments, but you know what I mean”.

I did know what he meant (although the word “punishment” is not one that I generally use in our house – it must be a carryover from elsewhere. We typically try to use the word “consequence” as I always want the kids to be mindful that they are the ones making choices – that they have certain consequences tied to them… but I digress – just wanted to clarify the importance of the choice of words)!

Gabe continued, “Last night we (Gabe and Zach) got a “punishment” before dinner (and let me tell you it was a doozy of one, and I was mad), but we were still able to sit down and have a normal dinner, and talk and chat like normal. The punishment didn’t change that”.

I knew exacly what he meant by this too. And it’s funny, because it is something that I generally struggle with: separating the act from the person. Or being able to “move on” once the consequence is in place. I often am tempted to hold a grudge, or withdraw, or be cold as an “additional” consequence I guess. I guess somehow it is supposed to make the person “pay”. I know it is not right, but it is an ongoing battle for me. However, hearing Gabe say this was really really good. It helped reaffirm that I need to keep working on this as it does make a difference, and it doesn’t go unnoticed.

It was also perfect timing as just that morniing, while we were getting ready for the day, Rob and I were discussing both trying to improve on giving feedback, or dishing out consequences in a positive way – without our child feeling shamed, or shunned, rejected, or unloved. We decided that we needed to really try to look at these times as “teaching opportunities” rather than rants of our frustrations, and then follow up with reaffirmations of our love for the child who is receiving the consequence or feedback.

After Gabe’s comment, I told him that it is important that they always know they are loved. No matter how mad Rob and I can get at them, it does not change our feelings for them. Ever. We may not approve or like the behaviour, but it does not change how we think or feel about them as a person. They are loved. Period.

It is important for them to all remember that as parents, we may be older and wiser, but we are certainly far from perfect. At times, we do make mistakes, we do sometimes overreact or react the wrong way. We may give conseqeunces that are too severe, or not give enough consequences. But, at times, they do need – and deserve – the reprimands, the guidance or they need to hear what we have to say (without the sugar coating…not that I ever sugar coat anything). They need to have boundaries, limits and consequences, and they may not always like them. At times they may screw up and we will certainly “discuss it”. But all those things never ever ever change how loved and adored they are. I hope they never ever doubt that.

Maybe I should just start singing that song again before bed: “I love you when you’re happy. I love you when you’re sad. I love you all the time even when I’m really really mad”.

Love you guys
Mom/Smom
xoxoxoxxo

Quote of the Week

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“I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.”
― Maya Angelou

I have always loved this quote. I remember hearing it many years ago and it has often crossed my mind in many forms: often it is “Now I know better, so I will do better”.

I went to a Conference for work last week. I often have to go to these – but don’t go often enough. Sometimes you hear the same old stuff, but occasionally something really strikes me and changes the way I do therapy. The best conferences are the ones where I hear something that does not necessarily change my therapeutic approach, but it changes my life approach (hence, my therapeutic approach – since really the two are hard to separate).

One of the speakers was Gabor Mate. I fell in love with one of his books a few months ago that he co-authored, “Hold on to Your Kids” and talked about it here. At the conference, I had the opportunity to listen to two seminars based on two of his other books: “In The Realm of Hungry Ghosts” (about Addiction) and “When the Body Says No” (about the Mind Body Connection). What a truly amazing speaker. Everyone was “wowed”.

After the seminars, I purchased another one of his books (got him to sign it for me:), “The Scattered Mind” – all about ADHD. I haven’t been able to put it down. Having some very high spirited boys in our family, I am fascinated by his theories and strategies; they are filled with kindness and compassion.

In one of his lectures, he talked about the proven strategies that work with many clients who are faced with so many challenges. He told us there were two main ones: Love and Compassion.

His theories have shifted my perspectives about many of the issues I deal with with my clients, but more importantly, how I deal with my family. Love and compassion are the two main strategies that I need to focus on.

This brings me back to the quote of the week.

I love learning. I love learning things that push me to consider the way I do things and help me to do things better. Sometimes I learn or hear things that are completely new to me. Sometimes I hear things I already know, but somehow they strike me differently. Sometimes, I am just reminded of the things I should be focusing on.

And then, when I know better, I can do better.

Cutey Sam

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Sam wasn’t feeling so hot today so he stayed home for part of the day.

He had a good sleep and then decided he was going to go back to school, but needed to have lunch first.

Rob was working from home (as he usually does) so he fed him lunch in the kitchen and went back into the living room to do some work. While he was eating, Sam was looking through the Lego Star Wars catalogue as he is starting to make his Christmas list.

Rob was working away when he heard Sam from the kitchen sounding out a word: “Mmmmm-Aaaaa-Ggggg-Iiiii-Ccc Wwww-Aaaa-Nnnnn-Dddd Rrrr-Eeee-Lllll”.

Rob couldn’t quite make out what he was saying so he called out to him,
“What’s that Sam”?

Sam responded: “I want a magic wand for Christmas – but a real one. That way I can get all the Star Wars guys that I want”.

Is that cute or what?

Not sure if Santa will be able to bring him a real magic wand though….wouldn’t we all want that though?!?