Prescription: Failure

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One of the benefits of working as a therapist is you sometimes get to see things a bit more objectively, and then give some advice that might actually be hard advice to follow if you were emotionally attached to the situation.

Yesterday I was in a team meeting with a 20 year old client and his parents. All the therapists present were experienced therapists, yet we are also all mothers of children of various ages.

We first met alone as therapists and discussed all the challenges we were facing when dealing with this client. It was apparent that one of the big issues ( typical of head injury) was lack of insight and awareness. Another big problem, was the way he was treated by his parents- especially his mother.

She is a lovely person. Kind, compassionate, caring. She is very maternal and clearly loves her son.

Yet, she is getting in the way of his treatment and development. She is always jumping in to rescue him. Always bailing him out, doing things for him, compensating for things. And I’m not talking about big things, or things that one would think as being over the top for a Mom to do! She’s clearly doing things for him to help him out, make his load easier, give him a break. She’s clearly doing it out of love.

Yet, what this kid needs we decided as a team? Failure.

I don’t think his safety net from his parents has ever been low enough that he has ever noticed when he fell! I think he has fallen – and somehow ends up doing better than before – due to his parents catching the fall and placing him back higher!

Of course, as a therapist, it’s easy for me to “prescribe: failure”.

The goal of “failure” therapeutically (and I must say it is not the typical prescribed route with my clients – but sometimes it becomes the only option) is for the person to really see how they are coping independently, and if they fall apart, then help and support them pick up the pieces independently. The goal is for them to be stronger and “better”. You never abandon them. But you don’t save them from the fall or the consequences either. You support them as they struggle through. I guess it’s a little bit of tough love.

This is sometimes counter to my instinct when parenting my own kids. I want to protect them so much, to warn them, to guide them and save them in many respects from the big bad world out there.

As I said in my post back here, I want to be that parent on the watchtower guiding them from the perspective I have on higher ground. I want to arm them with knowledge and information so that they can make good choices – on all the little things that added up together, really count. That is how I want to parent.

But, as I sat in the meeting yesterday with my client, I saw what a grave mistake it is when we jump down from the watchtower into their field and guide them down the path we think is right for them. We need to stay up on our watchtowers and let them make their own way. Guidance, advice, consultation: good. Bailing them out, enabling them, doing it for them (or too much for them): bad.

They need to make mistakes. They need to fall. They need to fail.

They need to learn how to figure things out for themselves. They need to live with consequences of their own choices. They need to learn how to problem solve independently. They need to live within their means, work for their rewards, sacrifice their own time.

From failure, trials, mistakes and sorrow,  we grow the most. We can learn that we can handle anything! We learn to rely on ourselves and gain confidence and independence. Most importantly, we learn that even when we face things “alone”, we never really are alone. We learn how to rely on our Heavenly Father – or whatever power we feel gives us strength. We learn to turn to those things that build our spirit and bring us peace.

If we don’t allow our children to have these kind of experiences, then they may never learn to develop the independent relationship with their Maker, or even feel the need to ask themselves what they actually believe in, or give them the chance to develop spiritually and in all the other ways they need to grow.

So, it ‘s a fine line I guess. We need to arm our children with values, character, love and support. But, we need to make sure they have a healthy dose of failure, real consequences and opportunities for growth.

No wonder parenting is the hardest job on earth!

Recipe: Watermelon and Beet Salad

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Ok. Sounds weird. But super yummy.

You need:
Beets
Watermelon
Feta

Scrub beets clean and cut off ends. Cut them into wedges. Put in pan and pour orange juice over them. Let them sit in about 1/2 inch of orange juice. Sprinkle with cinnamon. Cover and bake 350 until soft.

Let beets cool.

Meanwhile, chop watermelon into bite sized chunks. I use about equal amounts of watermelon and beets.

Mix watermelon, cooled beets, and crumbled feta in a bowl. You can also use a little bit of the orange juice leftover in the pan if you want it a little saucy. Otherwise, the juices come together – no need really for any oil – although you can add some if you want.

I’ve also chopped a little mint and mixed that in too.

Delicious!!

Quote of the Week

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As I’m gearing up for all the kids coming home today, I scanned through my phone to read all the little quotes and sayings I’ve collected over the week and I came across this one that is perfect for me right now:

“A balanced life equals a level of imperfection”.

I have loved having a really neat and tidy house in the past 10 days since everyone has been gone. I haven’t gone around and tidied things a gazillion times, or asked for things to be put away over and over, or tripped over things left on the stairs, or moved the stinky cleats outside, or sighed at the table filled with crumbs and the meal that fell underneath the table, or refolded the blankets in the family room and straightened the cushions…all those little things that I do and get frustrated over.

I know within 5 minutes of everyone being home, the house is going to look like a disaster again.

But that is OK. 


I need to work on my perfectionist tendencies and be OK with a little imperfection in this area.


Another little quote that I saw was “Messy is not the same as dangerous”.

While I can never live in utter chaos and clutter (as my mind would go crazy – it needs order), I don’t have to have perfection either. A little mess is ok.

Just to be clear though (for my kids who are reading), I’m good with our usual mess. I’m not saying that somehow I’ve changed and will accept more of a mess:)) And you still have to do all the regular chores (better than we have been doing over this summer:))

But since messy isn’t the same as dangerous, and since having balance in life requires a little imperfection, I’m just going to try to relax and accept it.

(We’ll see).

Luckily we leave on vacation in 5 days!

Kidless and Weeds

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This week we had no kids. They all were off with their other parents on vacation.

We had visions of romantic dinners, planned a little get away, and were going to savour every moment.

While we did go out for some great dinners, and did savour every moment of a clean house, and no running around to various sporting events, we ended up cancelling our little get away.

What did we do instead?

Lists and lists and lists of chores.

We worked.

And it felt so good to get things done that have been on “our lists” forever.

Things like shampooing the carpets, cleaning out the bathroom closet, cleaning out the back shed, painting the trim in the ENTIRE house (that was a big one), vacuuming, detailing and washing both cars, took both cars in for servicing, met our financial advisers, did all the gardening in the backyard, caught up with work stuff, caught up with friends and family (by phone and dinners – ok – this was fun, but had been neglected), ran some errands, prepped for our vacation next week, and weeded the entire front yard.

Phew.

Of course, this is on top of our usual work (including writing a long report and doing all my invoicing) and home stuff.

But it felt soooo good to get so many things crossed off  “our list”!

The biggest, and hardest project was weeding the front yard. We had crab grass growing. After talking to the experts at the gardening store, we knew we had a problem when they told us the only solution was to pull it out. By hand.

Now, I hate gardening. I mean hate it. But this had to be done. The crab grass was taking over.

Hours later, back breaking, knees bruised, sore arms, and blisters on the hands, we finished this long and tedious job. We pretty much pulled up our front yard – by hand. Of course, we have a small yard (thank goodness) but my blisters still don’t care. It felt big enough to my sore body.

As I was weeding however, I commented to Rob how of course there is a life lesson in this.

You see, he had noticed the crab grass a couple of weeks ago, when it had just poked up here and there. He mentioned it to me, but neither one of us took any initiative to do anything about it. We were busy, and had other priorities.

But it would have been so easy to take 5 minutes and pull it up when we first saw it.

Instead, it got out of control. It spread like wildfire. It took us hours to fix. It was so much work, and ended up having to take priority over everything else anyways.

Why oh why did we wait before we did anything about it??

I  guess the life lesson is that we sometimes think little things don’t need our attention, don’t need correcting, don’t need fixing. But, it is often easier to deal with things when they first happen, when we first see the problem, when we first go down the wrong path.

Of course, if we wait, we can still fix things, or deal with them, but it is a much longer journey.

You can bet that everyday, when Rob and I walk by the lawn in the front, we will stop and pull any little weed we see. We have learned our lesson and will make sure to consistently check in with our lawn care.

Just a reminder to check in with our “life care” too. Realign our compass every chance we get so we don’t get too off track.

Blue Skies

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I mentioned here that Gabe has a little bit of anxierty about sleeping away from home.

This year, we really have encouraged him to get out of his comfort zone and participate in some overnight trips. He went successfully to his school overnight trip, so we encouraged him to go to YM camp.

Although hesitant, he agreed to go. He actually got a little bit excited when Rob took him to buy some supplies, including a cool swiss army knife. We also got him a ton of snacks:) All the other kids were so jealous and desperately wishing they were going.

He boarded the bus and was on his way. He borrowed a leader’s phone that first night and made a quick phone call home to check in and get a little comfort too. Unfortunately that night it started to rain.

Apparently it rained and rained and rained.

Gabe called Rob in a bit of a panic in the morning. I think the grey skies and rain made him even more anxious. Rob was able to speak with him and calm him down a bit and encouraged him to get involved.

A few hours later Rob got another call. One of the leaders was heading home – stating it was really rainy and yucky – and he had to work anyways. So, this leader was going to bring Gabe home early.

What to do? Rob struggled with what to say to this leader. He really wanted Gabe to stick it out and stay. He felt that he wanted Gabe to experience doing a hard thing, and felt that his confidence would be built up and he would feel so good if he did stick it out.

But, could he just tell the leader, “Forget it. You tell my son, who is clearly upset and nervous, that he has to stay”. In the moment, you worry about what they will think of you as a parent, worry about if your child really is ok, and don’t really know the best decision.

So, Gabe came home.

In hindsight, not the decision we would ever make again.

We spoke with the YM President a couple of days later, who had been at the camp the whole time. He told us how great it was to have Gabe at camp and what a great addition he was to the group. He knew Gabe had struggled while he was there for the 1 night. He understood that the rain was really bad and that probably really influenced how Gabe was feeling. He said Gabe had promised that next year he would stay – the whole time (next year Zach will be going too so that will make it easier).

He also said he had woken up the next morning to beautiful blue skies that remained for the rest of camp. He said he thought to himself, “I wish Gabe had just stayed a little longer. He would have then experienced the blue skies”.

He then went on to say how in life we often experience dreary skies, clouds, lots of rain and storms. However, the blue skies always come. If we can just hang on through the storms, we will see the blue skies.

Quite a lesson. Endure to the end. Hang on. The blue skies are coming. We can get through the storms of life as long as we never give up.

Study Skills 101

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So this year Gabe starts high school.

He has had lots of transitions academically over the past few years, and has done very well.

When I first met him, he was in grade 4 and not doing so hot. I noted he didn’t really do any homework and thought that was really strange. But, my oldest was only in grade 1 – so what did I know? But it didn’t feel quite right….

I also knew that this kid had been living the divorce hell for a little while, so his schooling had been clearly placed on the back burner while everyone else was in fight and survival mode.

So by the time I entered the picture, he was clearly struggling. Just being a girlfriend, I said little. I saw Rob working like crazy, and his new nanny was not the strongest academic type either. I had no idea where things stood with Gabe’s mother, but Gabe was clearly slipping through the cracks.

One day Rob came back from a school meeting and told me that they were suggesting Gabe be put in the equivalent of a resource class for struggling students, and this was being supported by his mother. While I am fully supportive of resource classes and think we need more of them, I think they are truly for children who need extra support. Not for children who do no work.

Of course, this is where my relationship with Gabe’s Mom took a very negative turn. With Rob’s permission (hers as well, but she later denied this), I gave Gabe a quick standardized assessment of his language/reading skills – something being an SLP I do, and then also reached out to my colleague to confirm analysis of the results of the assessment.

No problems found. Sure, everyone has strengths and weaknesses, but nothing was screaming this child needs to go into a resource class. I shared the results with Rob and Gabe’s Mom (which led to a nasty note a few days before our wedding threatening my license and reminding me of my place in her son’s life… but I digress).

Regardless of the Mom freak out – this was Rob’s son too so he needed to push back and insist on what he thought was best based on his gut feeling, the evidence he had been given, and the knowledge that unfortunately Gabe’s academics had been sacrificed due to divorce drama.

His decision: no resource help at this time. This kid needed to show what he could do when he put some effort in and consistently did some work. Providing a structure, routine and teaching some good study habits wouldn’t hurt too.

So grade 5 began and it was rocky. But it was very clear that Gabe was capable and slowly his academics started improving.

Fast forward another 3 years and this kid has reason to be proud!!! We certainly are.

Gabe’s academics have dramatically improved, his study skills are coming along so well, and now, he is independently asking to learn even more skills to make himself even more successful!

The lucky part of being an SLP working in brain injury is that I work in so many areas of brain function. I have had the opportunity to work with so many kids with their studies, teaching them the study skills they need. I have moved through the years with them from public school, to middle, to high school and college. Along the way, I have learned so much too about study skills!

So when Gabe asked what he can do to learn more about study skills, I jumped at the chance to share. I have a few amazing books that I use with clients, and decided it would be fun to set aside a bit of time each Family Hone Evening to share a skill – adapted from my books to suit the needs of our children.

This week we started. As we were getting into it, a couple kids wanted to know if we could write these down – so I thought the blog would be a perfect way to keep a record – that they can refer to forever. I’ll make it our “Study Skills Series” ( much like the money series I did last year).

This week was really an introduction to the idea. We also took the time to discuss the importance of   “Getting ready to study”. We reviewed these ideas:

1) Find a location in your house to always study. Make sure you have lots of space. In our home, it’s the dining room or kitchen table. It allows Rob and me to be available to help and everyone is there so it creates a study atmosphere. The brain will eventually associate studying to a certain location, so try to keep it consistent.

2) Pick a time to study. Generally, for us, it’s right after school or whenever the kids get home. Sure a little downtime for a snack and a chat, but don’t even think about turning the TV on!! Which is another point for our littler guys. If they aren’t studying with the older ones, they need to go find somewhere else to hang out so they aren’t too distracting (this is a hard one for our family as everyone likes to be around:)

On weekends, we try to encourage early in the day studying – and for sure have it all done on Saturday. Eveyone has a “best time”. Each person needs to figure out when their mind is most alert. Early mornings work for me. It takes me half the time to write a report in the morning than it does in the afternoon! You can be much more productive during your “best time” and save yourself a lot of frustration and wasted time.

3) Amount of time to study varies of course depending on age, grade and subject. But it also varies depending on how well you’re doing! In the “olden” days, Gabe tried quoting the school board policy about homework – how much time should be spent on it, what teachers are allowed to assign etc. Irrelevant. If you are struggling – you are working (we got a tutor in for two years to help alleviate the struggling – as the work needed to be done).

The big thing I wanted to emphasize with the kids is the need to break up study time into small chunks of time. If you have a test, you need to start studying days in advance for small periods of time. If you have a lot of homework, you may need to alternate subjects and take little breaks. Doing small chunks of anything makes it all manageable. The brain can only handle small chunks. It’s like eating and digestion. We feed ourselves several times a day. We don’t try to have all our calories in one sitting! It doesn’t work. Same goes for feeding information to our brain: give it small snacks!

That’s what we covered so far! Much more to go…. But little chunks!

Developing good study skills is half the academic battle so I’m very glad that Gabe has wisely chosen to try to learn them more now – and I know all the kids will greatly benefit! I’m sure Rob and I will too – as study skills are often about time management and organization.

Quote of the Week

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With all the kids being off this week with their other parent, we won’t be doing a weekly quote during family night. However, I thought I would just share something that really touched me that I read on our program at church this week. The theme this week was about “selfless service”:

“We lose our life by serving and lifting others. By doing so, we experience the only true and lasting happiness. Service is not something we endure on this earth so we can earn the right to live in the celestial kingdom. Service is the very fiber of which an exalted life in the celestial kingdom is made. Knowing that service is what gives our Father in Heaven fulfillment, and knowing that we want to be where He is and as He is, why must we be commanded to serve one another? Oh, for the glorious day when these things all come naturally because of the purity of our hearts. In  that day there will be no need for a commandment because we will have experienced for ourselves that we are truly happy only when we are engaged in unselfish service. Let us use freedom which comes from self -reliance in giving and serving” (Conference report, Oct. 1982).

The Words We Use

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I was so saddened to hear about the death of Stephen Covey a couple of weeks ago.

I remember seeing him speak when I was much younger and being so impressed.

Then over the years I have read some of his books. My favorite however was listening to his audiobook of “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families”. I love that book and I loved hearing him read it as he has a great way of making it all come alive. It was really a life changing book for me and I find myself referring to it so often – to myself as well as to others.

So, it is no surprise that a couple of months ago I stumbled across “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens” written by his son, Sean Covey, and decided to buy it for us to read together during Family Home Evening. I figured since the original book(s) influenced me so much, it would likely benefit my kids as they approach the teenage years.

We have read a few chapters already, and just this week started on the first habit “Be Proactive”.

In this chapter, he shares the difference between being “Reactive” and “Proactive” and gives examples of the language that is used:

Reactive…………………………………….Proactive
I’ll try………………………………………….I’ll do it
That’s just the way I am………………… I can do better than that
There’s nothing I can do…………………Let’s look at all our options
I have to……………………………………..I choose to
I can’t ………………………………………..There’s gotta be a way
You ruined my day………………………..I’m not going to let your bad mood rub off on me

I could tell we all sat there and felt a bit guilty about how often we use reactive language!! But – the point is to learn how to do better!

It is amazing to see how the words we choose can affect a mood, an attitude, or an outcome.

The goal this week for us is to choose our words a bit more carefully.

Weekly Snaps of Life

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I guess I should really say “Monthly Snaps of Life” for this one. A few snaps of our “everyday” life around here:

BBQ with friends, most of the kids at the BBQ, Sam playing soccer (Rob is coach!), soccer skies (we see the best sunsets and sunset skies!), Josh with new haircut enjoying his popsicle, Zach sporting a cool hair do

July 1st picnic  on beach and fire works. No kids that night!

Zach as a baby with two kids he is still friends with (a friend emailed me this), Rob and Sam “working” on the porch, making peanut butter sandwiches for everyone (kids thought it looked so cool!), Sam looking for a groundhog, cool octopus balloon Zach won at tennis camp, tennis camp!

The Harder Road

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As our kids get older, I find I’m hearing Rob say a lot, “Let’s try to make this into a teaching moment too” when something, or usually, someone, gets into a little bit of hot water.

I guess sometimes my instinct is to just get mad, and then dish out the consequences and let the pieces fall where they may.

But Rob brings in the “teaching opportunity” mentality, wanting the kids to learn as many valuable lessons as possible from their experiences.

While I fully support this philosophy, and am so grateful that he often reminds me, and can very quickly switch into “teaching opportunity mode” rather than “bite your head off mode”, I mentioned to him the other day that this is the “harder way to do things”.

Life seems to be so much easier for you as a parent in the short term when you simply say “Yes” to everything. I think it’s a little harder when you say “No” all the time, because then you may had to deal with some backlash over the fact that you are saying no.

But to try to really think about why you are saying yes or no, to be cognizant of the potential long term ramifications of choices and decisions, to explain, guide and consult, to not always be the popular parent – that is much harder.

I especially find it challenging within the context of a blended family. I know that in traditional families it’s hard too – so I’m not discounting that. But I look at situations that we have recently dealt with with one of my step kids, and it gets really complicated when you are the step parent.

The whole “you have the responsibility but not the authority” angle. If I do something maternal, and treat my step kids as my own, or teach my values and share my thoughts, opinions and positions, I face the, “Who does she think she is? She’s not your mother. She has no say in anything you do”. And if I don’t care, then I can face the wrath of, “What does she care. If you were her biological children she’d be doing more”.

So, my choice – and really – it is the choice I made the moment I married Rob, is the former. I care. I teach. I stress. I worry. I get angry. I get disappointed. I feel proud. I feel excitement. I feel love. I go through all the emotions. For my biological kids and for my step kids.

But then I stopped the other day and said to Rob, “This is a harder road we are choosing”.

We are constantly sharing examples with the kids, asking them about their choices, having discussions with them, explaining our theories, perspective, points of view, making analogies and comparisons, reading to them, praying with and for them, telling them quotes, having Family Home Evening, drawing out little flow charts and diagrams – all trying to get them to understand what is behind the yes or no that they are hoping for. I want them to be making their own choices and decisions, with the free agency they have been given – BUT armed with knowledge and information about those choices and the natural consequences tied to them. Because when you make a choice, you are automatically getting some consequences along with that choice – like it or not.

I know that they are young and one little decision or slip up does not seemingly change much in the whole grand scheme of things.

But I also know, that it does. A degree on a compass initially takes you to a similar spot – but down the road, it will change your destination entirely. I want them to understand that life is made up of all the little decisions – so they must make those little decisions with care and consideration even now!

It certainly is easier for us to just say “Whatever” or “What difference does it make now? They are so young” and let them do whatever it is that they want. I think it is easier to be the “popular parent” now – but will being the popular parent ensure that my kids will have all the opportunities and values that they will want and need in the future? I’m not so sure.

I guess I don’t just want to parent for the here and now. Lots of things, if we let them slide, won’t hurt my kids now. But it may rob them of certain opportunities and challenges that will benefit them from learning certain lessons and values that will help them in the future. It robs them of opportunities to develop self confidence, to build character and to learn independence.

So while I think it’s a harder road, and sometimes just want to go the “whatever” easy route, I know that I only have a few more precious years to really watch out for them. The analogy I love is that our kids are each living in a field and we are standing in the watchtower looking over them. All they can see is what is right in front of them. And it’s usually pretty tall, thick grass. Up on the watchtower however, we can see beyond. We can see potential pitfalls, wrong turns, cliffs and dangerous ledges, tough trails and big monsters eating raspberries (little inside joke). We know that they will all choose their own paths, and encounter danger, make wrong turns, fall off some cliffs – and they need to have these experiences! But it doesn’t mean we won’t be trying to give them the guidance and the direction from the watchtower to hopefully make their trek a little easier. I guess it’s a harder road we are all travelling – but so very worth it.