Togetherness

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I got an email yesterday that made me sad.

However, I wasn’t at all surprised. It was an email that confirmed something I had already known.

It was an email from the wife of one of my previous clients. She was just saying hi and giving me some of their news. Unfortunately, they had broken up and she was now living in a new city, but was quite happy and making a good life for herself. My client was back living with his parents, and she wasn’t sure how he was doing. She reported that she just couldn’t do it anymore. The injury had stolen her husband, his will and drive to live. He wanted to sit at home and surf the net. No initiation, no motivation, no follow throug; hallmark traits for frontal lobe injuries. She was working two jobs to try to make ends meet, but at the same time had become a serious runner. She was running in one direction. He was staying put in another.

I remember a few years ago sitting in a team meeting with them. We discussed the challenges my client had: typical executive function, frontal lobe issues. But my thoughts were really on his amazing wife that sat by his side. She had always been such a stellar support for her husband, and had the kindest spirit. She looked amazing, had lost a lot of weight, and was seriously getting into running.

I looked at her and sadly, knew their marriage was over. It was only a matter of time. I think I even said something to the team at the end of the meeting. I know I came home and told Rob that another marriage was about to fall prey to TBI.

While TBI might have been an underlying contributor for this break up, there seems to be a pattern that many relationships have when they start down the slippery slope towards breakup.

It’s what I call a lack of togetherness.

There is the saying “The family that plays together, stays together “. (Another take on that is “The family that prays together, stays together” – which I firmly believe, but that’s for another post!)

You can develop different hobbies than your spouse, have varying interests, play different sports, but you need to make sure you are also developing some key things together. If one person goes too far along a different path, they may actually travel too far from the other person, and then they begin to lead their own lives. If they become so passionate or engrossed in something their partner cannot share with them anymore, they start to feel disconnected, or worse yet, connected to someone else who “understands”.

I knew when I saw my client lost in his stagnant world of hopelessness, and his wife entering the world of marathons, that their paths were not going to eventually end up at the same place. However, I’ve learned that the world of head injury is so unique that I don’t want to judge how things played out, if they could or should have done things differently. Was she supposed to stay in hopelessness with him? Should he have been somehow forced to run marathons? Could they have just persevered with their different lives and led them side by side? I don’t have the answers that would have been right for them, especially given the fact that head injury played a strong role.

What I do know is that togetherness is soooooo important. You need to share some fundamental values, interests and passions. You need to routinely spend time doing those things together. You need to “get into” some things that maybe aren’t exactly “your thing” but simply because they are your partner’s thing. A little give and take, a smidgen of compromise and a whole lot of tolerance.

If you have this togetherness in lots of different areas, you will be stronger, you will want to be together more, you will plan for your future more. You will find yourselves on the same road, perhaps darting on and off a few different paths, but walking the same road at the end of the day. And that is the best part of this journey- being able to share it together. Hand in hand. Sharing the same road with your best friend as you find new adventures together.

Soccer, Soccer, and Baseball (to spice things up)

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Last week was a crazy week.
In addition to the normal practices and games, we had a few extra tournaments:

Zach played on the school team at a tournament. Rob and I were able to see him play for a bit during the day and saw him make a sweet score!!

With his best bud Caz

Zandra’s team played the next day. Again, Rob and I were both able to catch the ending of the tournament – just to see them celebrate their victory!!

The Victory cheer!

The weekend was jammed with events as both Zach and Josh had soccer tournaments all weekend long – at opposite ends outside the city! We ended up having 9 games between them to try to watch and cheer for!! Of course, Gabe’s baseball also had opening day this weekend too. This meant that we had to skip the school fair this year:(((

But, the weekend was a success!!

Gabe’s team won 9-3. Rob got a good video of Gabe’s hit!! Here are a few snaps of him:

Doesn’t he look so good in his uniform??

He got an awesome hit!

Zach’s team played some great games, and he made an amazing header goal which I was so excited to witness (but didn’t capture it unfortunately!!) . The team he plays for is a new team, so they are just figuring out their groove, but they did great and are putting in their all!

This one is priceless. One of the Mom’s next to me was screaming like mad and Zach looked over all annoyed, as he thought it was me screaming:))

Josh’s team won the tournament! We had some hot, long days, but the celebration was sweet!!
I’ve got a lot more pictures of him as one of the Mom’s had a mega camera and took 425 pictures – so I selected a few that I loved!!! The first few are mine, the rest were hers:)

Lonely guy on the bench with his rooster hair!

This was what was going on on the sidelines as we watched – hair tickles!!

They all did amazing , gave it their all and should be very proud of their individual accomplishments! I know I am!!!

Victoria Day Summer Kick Off

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I think this time of year is my favorite.

I love how all the good weather is starting and we have a few months still to come! Spring is a season filled with hope and anticipation of what still is to come, or what may happen.

Victoria day this year we had no kids. We took advantage of the opportunity to go out for lunch with Rob’s parents. We went to a really cute marina near them, enjoyed a delicious lunch, and then walked along the boardwalk. It was a great afternoon!

Evening came and the lost children returned:)) We all went and watched Josh at soccer practice before heading to our school/neighborhood park for the annual community firework show!!

It has become a little neighborhood tradition to head to the park at dusk and set off fireworks that many neighbors have purchased. The kids run around, light sparklers and wave glow sticks and watch the fireworks ( which are getting bigger and bigger each year!)

Here’s a few snaps from this year:

Love how his foot is on a soccer ball at all times!

Happy Summer!!

Quote of the Week

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“Success each day should be judged by the seeds sown, not the harvest reaped”.
John C. Maxwell

I think I loved this quote the moment I saw it because it reminded me of my favorite quotes from here, and because it puts a whole new perspective on what I spend my time doing.

There are so many times I will see one of my kids do something, or not do something, and wonder, “Did he/she not just get what we JUST talked about?? Am I talking to a wall??”.

I will feel like the effort was all in vain, what’s the point, “they are going to do what they want anyhow”.

But that is when I am focusing on the harvest. Looking for the immediate results. Measuring my day’s success in how much the harvest reaped.

But then there are brief moments, when one of my kids will say or do something, or not say or do something, and I will see that the harvest may not be ready, but the seeds have certainly been sown. I love those moments because they give me a tiny glimpse of the fact that the seeds can grow.

Sam has a project for school to grow a bean. Now, my kids all know I do not have a green thumb. AT ALL. When he got the plant, he gave it to me to hold and said, “please don’t die this one” (referring to the multitude of plants I have unfortunately come in contact with in our home).

I should have listened more carefully. Within minutes, I was talking, using my hands to express myself, and out flew lots of dirt from the plant. Maybe the seed went flying too??? Needless to say, nothing grew.

He went back to the teacher and planted another one. He brought it home with strict instructions for me not to touch it. Well I didn’t touch it. But I think that means it didn’t get watered either!! No luck.

Finally, the third time, the plant came home and now everyone was invested in it!! We can’t keep going back to the grade 1 teacher saying we can’t grow a bean?!?! The seed was watered ( I must give credit to everyone else for doing this part), kept in the sun, and I think we even talked to it. Finally, it grew!! And grew and grew! We were pleased to report success.

Just like Sam’s plants, sometimes the first couple of seeds don’t take. Sometimes we just need to keep planting, and watering, and providing sunshine (and encouragement). We may not get the blossom for a while, but with consistent care, that plant will eventually bloom.

As a mother and stepmother, I may need to plant many beans over and over; I may need to water, fertilize, and provide sunshine or shade. I may not see the blossom in my home-it may bloom outside of my home, or in years to come. Someone else may benefit more from the beauty of the blossom than me! But my job is to plant and grow the seed, not necessarily reap this particular harvest.

When you take this perspective, it is a little easier to feel more success during the day as a parent. It helps me to focus on what I want for my kids down the road, and that may be different than what is easiest to give in to them right now.

Plant the seed, plant the seed, plant the seed. My new mantra the next time I’m blown away by how it seems my kids are totally ignoring everything I am trying to teach them:))

The Travel Book (Not for Parents)

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This week Josh had a consequence which included no TV and no iPod Touch. He kept himself pretty busy playing outside and playing soccer, but at the end of the day, when he wanted some down time, he was struggling with what to do.

We decided to check out some ibooks together on my iPad (because he was with me, I made the exception to use electronics – and it was to look for books). He had just finished reading “The Travel Book for Rome (Not for Parents)” that he had purchased a while back and really enjoyed, so wanted to see if there were any other cool guide books.

We came across the coolest book, “The Travel Book (Not for Parents)” – which is a book of “cool stuff to know about every country in the world”. We decided we needed to buy it as opposed to just downloading it.

So I bought it, and it is pretty cool:

On his hot list now, Belize. Second largest barrier reef in the world is there he informs me!

I am so excited that my kids are excited about travel and share that passion with me! We will slowly start checking off all the countries we visit together!

Quote of the Week

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“Never look down on anybody unless you are helping them up”.
– Jesse Jackson

Whenever I come across a quote I love, I either snap a picture of it, or write it down in my notes on my phone. Then I go through my iphone notes and photos and they are all there and can inspire me whenever I see them again.

Yesterday in church, the speaker gave a couple of really good quotes, and Zach nudged me and said, “Mom, you better write that one down”. Love that he is looking out for good quotes now too. It’s amazing how much a short quote can teach us and how finding quotes has now become a part of our everyday life.

I liked this quote – short, sweet and to the point. A reminder to not look down on anybody, as well as a reminder to be helping someone up.

There’s always someone that needs a little uplifting:)

Everyday Life with some Weekly Snaps

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I realized this week when it took me about 1.5 hours to merge a couple of our schedules for summer sports, that this is going to be a busy summer! Not quite sure how we are going to swing it – considering we both have full time jobs, other than chauffeuring everyone around, and waiting by the sidelines cheering (and freezing our butts off this time of year too once the sun goes down). But we will manage. And I secretly like the busyness of life. I know “this too shall pass” and before I know it it will just be Rob and me sitting on a porch swing talking about the good all days when all we did was race to one event to another. So, I’m going to try to enjoy it and not stress too much:)
This past week was the official (because really soccer has been going on for months) start of soccer games and baseball games, and the end of dance and a school “Nuit Vert”. We’re just winding down with swimming and guitar too. I’m going to have to get a bit better with taking pictures of all theses events that consume all our time! Here are a few snaps that I did get, and some other snaps of our everyday life.

Zach and I are training together for a 5K. We love to stop and look at the city view on our run

Dancing Josh in our front window

Poor Sam – pretending to be trapped at school

First time in front seat. No longer my baby (ok – always my baby – but who can now sit in the front seat)

Captain Zach at 1st official league game (that took us 1.5 hours to drive to in traffic)

Gabe’s 1st baseball game and first time up to bat. 30 seconds later the ball smacked him square in the head. Thank goodness for helmets:)

Teaching some boy things

Robbie can fix all, but his bike is causing him problems on our rides

Our fave spot on Cherry Beach (after a beautiful morning ride)

This time of year also means that the boat goes in the water, and we already were able to take a few rides and enjoy some time out on the water!

My spot

Gorgeous view

1st ride  – too bad the kids weren’t with us this weekend:(

The Beach off the Center Island

Faster, please!

City view

Pat bought Josh a Popsicle bigger than his head!

 Let the summer games begin!!

Driving

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For our third date, Rob and I were exchanging emails trying to figure out when we could meet to go for a bike ride.

It was getting rather complicated by email, so I said to call me. I would be in the car driving between 8:45-9:30, 10:45-11:30, 12:45-1:30, and 2:45-3:30. His response was “What are you a trucker”??

Haha. Well. Sort of.

I tend to drive a lot. A lot. Most people gasp when I tell them the mileage on our truck. What Rob didn’t know was that that schedule was my light driving day. I can often be driving 1.5 hours to a client. 30-45 minutes is nothing!

All that to say, I am on the road a lot. And I have decided that there is a lot you can learn about people from their driving skills.

Dare I say, a person’s personality is reflected in their driving.

The other day I was looking for a spot downtown outside one of my client’s condos. It is a particularly difficult place to find a spot, and often it takes me about 15-20 minutes to find one. I try to get there early to do this. Time was ticking, my appointment was in 5 minutes, and I saw a woman get into her car. I quickly came up behind her, feeling rather like a vulture, and put my signal on to take her spot. She saw me. She knew I was there. But, she proceeded to take a FULL 10 minutes chatting on the phone before she left her spot.

Now, I get that you shouldn’t drive while talking on the phone (she was on her headset but regardless, it’s not the safest). Yet she certainly could have pulled up into a spot that could not be used for parking and sit there and let me take the spot I was waiting for. But, she didn’t. Perhaps she still had time left on her ticket and wanted to take what was rightfully hers. Regardless of whether she was justified legally in being there (legally is always the lowest common denominator anyhow – doesn’t really make anything morally right), I just thought to myself I wonder what she is like in real life.

You see all kinds on the road: the tail gater, pressing you to go faster. The idiot swerving in and out of traffic only to get no where. The inconsiderate one who cuts you off or refuses to let  you in when merging. The distracted one checking their phones, driving over the lines, speeding up and slowing down.

I wonder what these people are like in real life?

Of course the argument can be made that perhaps someone’s driving is a reflection of merely how they are feeling in that moment – which is very plausible. I know I may drive faster, or more aggressively when I am feeling angry.

However, I really do think more can be read generally into someone’s driving skills. How we see the world can be reflected in the kind of consideration and courtesy we give other drivers, or how patient we are with other drivers, or how frustrated or angry we get with other drivers. If we are wondering how we truly feel, or how others see us, we may want to take a look at our driving skills.

Mother’s Day

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It’s amazing being a Mom. Really, there is nothing like it and I feel incredibly blessed to be called Mom by two amazing sons, and to be called Smom by three more special children.

This morning Rob hopped out of bed to get the day in motion and Zach and I went for a run. He is a good running partner, because we have committed to a program to get us running 5K and he is very serious about it. So no slacking for me. But what better way can you start Mother’s Day than by running with my oldest son? We even stopped to take a lilac off a tree – I love lilacs and smell them every time I run this particular route- and today we felt justified to stop and take one to bring home!

When I arrived home, breakfast was on the table: Bonjour Brioche (where Rob and I had our first date) pastries, cinnamon buns, and chocolate milk. At my seat were all sorts of beautifully made cards, chocolates and little gifts including some travel books (so I can work on our Australia/ New Zealand trip for next year:), as well as one about Paris (for Zandra’s 16 trip:)).

The kids were with us this morning until their Mom came to pick them up at 9:30. It was great having breakfast together, but nice for them to go and spend the day with their Mom.

Breakfast was extremely yummy. It was a little bit more tasty than a Mother’s Day Breakfast years ago that I had – although the memory of that breakfast has a very special place in my heart. The boys love hearing this story – so I thought it appropriate to always have it recorded as one of my favorite Mother’s Days ever!

It happened during the pre-Rob, post divorce years. The boys – a couple of days before Mother’s Day – told me they wanted to make breakfast for me for Mother’s Day but wanted to practice. I heard them banging things around in the kitchen and then I was finally called to the table.  The table was set (with my special placemat that Zach had made me and I still use every night to this day), there was a bowl of fruit loops poured (with milk in it that had obviously been poured ages ago so the cereal was really really soggy), a washed green apple and half a glass of orange juice. They were so proud and I was so touched. These little guys were amazing!

The next morning, I received the same breakfast! Exactly!

Then finally, on Mother’s Day, I awoke to the exact same thing. My heart melted every time. I could always hear them in the kitchen; Zach giving Josh directions, Josh insisting he could do things himself. Dragging the chairs around the kitchen trying to reach everything. By this time though, I was not sure if I could make my way through another soggy bowl of cereal. I braved it again and then suggested in the future that they wait to pour the milk!!

This year, no soggy cereal, but still the same love coming from them:)

We went to church, and then came home for a light lunch. After lunch, we hopped on our bikes and headed down to the bike trails and enjoyed the beautiful day! Then, fighting a bit of a sore throat, I snuck in a little nap before our traditional Mother’s Day meal of Giorgio’s pasta.

All in all it was another beautiful Mother’s Day. One of Zach’s gifts was that he was going to be the “hero” today – whenever he was having a fight with Josh, he would be the “hero” and be the peacemaker. He did all day, and I know this was a big deal for him so it was much appreciated!

But really,  I should be thanking them all – for giving me the opportunity to experience the BEST thing in the world on a daily basis. To be their Mom and Smom. It is such an honour to have these little lives growing before my eyes. I hope I serve them well. I hope I teach them well. I hope I enjoy them to the fullest. I hope we have fun and grow to share memory after memory and story after story.

And of course, I am forever grateful to my Mom for the amazing mother she is to me. I am blessed to have her in my life. Even though we live far, I love how she is so on top of everything! She takes such a keen interest in each and every one of us and it’s like she is right around the corner, following up on all the details. I love and appreciate her in every way possible and hope that I am able to touch and serve as many and as well as she does:) . She is the greatest example of a mother !

Happy Mother’s Day!

Weekly Snaps of Life

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My weekly snaps have somewhat dwindled…but here’s what I had on my iphone over the past couple of weeks:

Easter egg decorating, laundry basket fun, Sam is a full on reader, soccer soccer soccer, beautiful skies, Auntie Jenn visits and teaches Zandra how to use the sewing machine!