Happy Birthday Mom

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Well, I won’t list all the reasons why I love her according to her age like I do with the kids because she may not like that too much!

But suffice it to say, there are the same number of reasons that I love her as her age:) if not more.

So how about 1 for each decade??

1. I love how she is so in tune with what is going on in our lives and she asks about every detail of our lives – and remembers!

2.I love how she seeks out the kids one at a time to spend time with them when she visits, that she eagerly sends emails to them, and notes and cards to us all.

3. I love how she so readily supports me through tough times, and rejoices with me through good ones. I love that she has fully embraced my husband, but especially my step kids as completely her own. She is a step family’s biggest advocate – and is very protective of us!

4. I love how she always sends me articles she thinks I will like.

5. I love how she surprises me every so often, by telling me she’s going to Yoga, or watching the same TV series we are, or reading a certain book. I love how she tries to push herself a bit beyond her comfort zone.

6. I love her baking. Everyone loves her baking. I love how she takes her baking to everyone, and is always busy visiting everyone.

7. I love our 2-3 times per week phone calls. I can call her at any time on any day and she is always up for a chat.

Happy 7* Birthday Mom/Gran!!

We love and adore you!

Love
all of us here
xoxoxox

Happy Valentine’s

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I was never a huge fan of Valentine’s Day.

I guess it stems from not being the most popular in high school where Valentine’s Day seemingly starts to be a big deal. You know, with those candy grams? Some people got tons, from secret admirers or boy friends. I always got a couple from my close friends, but nothing over the top.

On to later years, and Valentine’s was never a huge deal. The occasional flowers, out for dinner, simple card or gift. It really was not a big occasion.

Nor did I think I really wanted it to be. I mean, I’m not even that crazy about flowers (they die). And I don’t want to just be treated “special” on a day when everyone is reminded and told to treat you special. Hmmm, maybe it speaks to my past life….

Along came the divorced single years and Valentine’s Day was the absolute worst. You felt like a loser, everyone around you was all seemingly in love. I think I just spent it with my girlfriends commiserating on how dumb it was.

It was during this stage that I started to make Valentine’s Day about my boys. They were the loves of my life – so I would celebrate with them. I started a little tradition of giving them a special Valentine stuffie, and some little chocolates, with a special dinner.

Then I met Rob. Now came the “Valentine Pressure”.

“What are you lovebirds going to do for Valentine’s”?

I don’t know. I don’t really like Valentine’s. I still think flowers die and I don’t want someone to feel forced to do something special for merely 1 day. And then what do I get him? It’s got to be spectacular – no? I finally have someone I love (romantically – I was in the groove of celebrating with my boys) to share this day with – but how can I meet the expectations of being a new couple in love?

I had nothing to fear. Rob and a bit of tradition solved the problem.

On my first Valentine’s with him, he bought me some art supplies. He knew I shyed away from creativity, but knew I had it in me. I loved it.

That year, I decided to make a scrapbook for him. I started a book and decided to add 2 pages a year (so that would take care of Valentine’s Day for the rest of our lives!) summarizing “our” year. Just the special moments that we shared – no kids. So, every year, over the year I record little moments and inside jokes, take pictures, collect stubs and then create two pages to summarize the heart of us and our year. It’s fun to do, and special for both of us to be reminded of the little moments we share.

Then the next year Rob started another tradition to add to my scrapbook tradition. Packing my bags, he whisked me away for an overnight….to a hotel about 15 minutes from our house in the downtown core. Anyone who thinks staying at a hotel 15 minutes away from your empty house is silly and wasteful has clearly never done it before.

He filled the room with my favourite little luxuries. We had an amazing night, went for dinner, watched a movie, read, slept and enjoyed every moment with each other.

And that has now become our tradition.

Every year, we pick a new hotel, and on the Friday night closest to Valentine’s, we spend the night at the hotel.

And can I say, that I now LOVE Valentine’s. LOVE IT.

This year, it was the Fairmont Royal York. Dinner at Ki (love their sushi), two movies (The Descendents and Midnight in Paris) and a whole lot of relaxing and us time. Of course this amazing man also drove 45 minutes (each way) during the day to buy me my favourite truffles from Circus – so I sat in bed eating those too:) Absolute Heaven!

The traditions keep going for the kids too. We decided that we always want Valentine’s to be super special for our kids. So, every year, we do a few things to make them feel special.

First, we give our kitchen a heart attack. It’s an idea that I got from this blog here, but then tailored it to us. Rob and I each write 5 things that we love about each child on post it hearts (so there’s 10 each) and put them all over our kitchen. When the kids wake up on Valentine’s (or the closest day to it if they are not with us), they get to go around and read what we love about them.

(These picture make me realize how old and crooked our house actually is!!)

At night, we serve them up filet mignon, poutine, and some type of cupcake that I create from The Martha Stewart cupcake book. The table is covered with chocolates for them, and on their seat is some type of Valentine’s stuffie (I realize they may grow out of this soon – but they still insist on a stuffie!).

The final touch – which is everyone’s favourite – is our special gift to them:

Their yearly photo book.

Every year I take tons of pictures of them and then for Valentine’s I prepare them a photo book of all “their pictures” from the previous year. At the end of the book, I write them a little summary of their life that year (who your teacher was, your friends, what sports you did, what vacations we went on, what you were for Halloween, favourite movies, routines etc. etc.) and then Rob and I each write them a letter. A little bit mushy, but letting them know what we admire most about them, how proud we are of them and how much we love them.

The book is a ton of work (my January project) – but can I just say – it is the best moment to see them leaf through the book, laughing and smiling at the pictures, reminising about their favourite events, and even occasionally getting a little teary (maybe??) when then they read the letters. (They’d never admit to that I’m sure). During the year, they are always asking me to “take a picture for my book”. It’s fun to go through all the books from previous years too. When they leave home, they have their own set of personalized books.

This is such a hit every year that the kids told me that their Mom did a version of the “yearly photo album” this year! I guess imitation is the greatest form of flattery!

And that’s our Valentine’s! It is the highlight smack in the middle of winter and something I think we all look forward to every year! And, it continues throughout the year as we are always mindful of all the special moments throughout the year – to capture for our scrapbook and for the photo books! It lets the love flow throughout the year:)

Quote of the Week

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“Expecting the world to treat you fairly just because you are a good person, is like expecting the bull not to charge just because you are a vegetarian”.

I thank my friend Natalie for this one. She posted it on facebook the other day and I just had to steal it!

You see, it ties nicely into our family motto, which I talked about here and here.

Every family night we review our family motto and the kids have to give examples. Fairness seems to always be summarized with “Fairness is getting what you need”. We told them last week to shake it up a bit, and come up with some new examples!

I thought this was a great quote to share with them, because as we often discuss with them our goal is always to be as fair as we can, and we strive for fairness (and all the other things that that word encompasses for our family as discussed here), life is NOT always fair. In fact, it is often NOT fair, and we need to learn to cope with the disappointment that it often brings.

I just thought this was a great way to put a little humour into it!

The French Way

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I just ordered a whole bunch of books. Not sure why, because I promised myself that I would read what I have in my house before ordering anymore…so I’ve got about 20 books waiting to be read. That should take me a while….

But, I have to add one more to my “must read list”: ” Bringing Up Bebe” by Pamela Druckerman.

There have been a few reviews of it lately in the Wall Street Journal and the Huffington Post and they caught my eye.

I thoroughly enjoyed last year’s parenting attention grabber – “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother ” by Amy Chua which I talked about here and here. It gave me so much to think about!

However, when I read the reviews for Chua’s book, I knew there would be many parts that I would disagree with – she was pretty extreme.

But what I have read so far about this book “Bringing Up Bebe”, I like. I like a lot.

But first, I need to state the obvious: Whether we parent our children the same way, or parent them differently, we are all simply human beings trying to figure it out. We will all make mistakes, we will all have challenges, regrets, strengths and weaknesses. No one culture does anything right; no one person does everything right. We need not get depressed when reading books and articles like this. We can just open ourselves up and learn from each other. Try different things. Try what works with our family. Try to do a little bit better. Just needed to say this as I know people go down the “woe is me road..now the French parent better than me too”. That’s not the point I’m trying to make. I just think, with a little humility, we can all maybe learn something from the French, like we did from the Chinese, like we can from the Canadian, eh?

Back to the fabulous French parents:)

The few excerpts from the book have already resonated with me.

She talks about the French parents’ ability to set boundaries; “Boundaries, are good, particualrly in protecting the sanctity of parents’ private life”.

She talks about how they say no, and don’t feel guilty about it.

She talks about how French families keep involved with their families without becoming obsessive, and that parents aren’t at the constant service of their children. Parents are the authority figure – not the other way around.

She relates a story of a French couple’s reaction to their American friends and their interaction with their children: “American kids frequently interrupted the adults in midsentence; and there were no fixed mealtimes; the American kids just went to the refridgerator and took food whenever they wanted”.

That part made me laugh.

One of the “step family/divorce perks” you get when you divorce and then later on remarry – and kids are involved – is you get a pretty objective (at first) set of eyes. You know, someone to scrutinize your every move and evaluate how you parent. Bear in mind, you are being evaluated at the height of usually indulging your children since you are racked with guilt from the divorce and trying to overcompensate (while being completely overwhelmed with doing it all on your own). So, you need to have some thick skin, because “objective eyes” about your parenting skills are sometimes really hard to take.

I remember one day Rob (sweetly, nicely and gently) mentioned to me that my kids constantly interrupted me when I was having an adult conversation.

I had actually never even noticed. But, it was true.

I mentioned (I wish I could say sweetly, nicely and gently) to Rob that I didn’t think his kids should be able to eat 6 pop tarts or a bag of cookies whenever they felt like it. He had actually never noticed. But, it was true too.

Our lists went back and forth (sweetly and nicely and gently – at least on his part…) until we settled on some of the “acceptable standards for us”.

And it appears, we have settled on trying to parent the French way.

Firm, but loving.

I love how she talks about the French ideal of the “cadre”, or frame that French parents often talk about. “Cadre means that kids have very firm limits about certain things – that’s the frame – and that the parents strictly enforce these. But inside the cadre, French parents entrust their kids with quite a lot of freedom and autonomy”.

That certainly is my goal. I want my kids to have independence and freedom. But with that comes the responsibility – and consequences. You can’t have one side without the other.

I want them to have respect, manners, empathy and patience. But overindulgence, entitlement and lack of limits will rob them from those qualities and values. I want them to feel loved and adored, but I want them to understand the importance of a marriage and adult time too.

I’m excited to read how the French do it. Again, not because I think they are doing everything right – (afterall, they do have a reputation of being snooty (just saying) and I don’t want to raise snooty kids either). I just think every view adds value. I learned so much from Amy Chua, even though I disagreed with some things, I wholeheartedly agreed with other things.

Parenting is hard – and any little insight I can get, hopefully can help me be a better parent. Not make me feel bad, or inadequate, or guilty. Just help me do better.

Man’s Search for Meaning

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I just finished reading “Man’s Search for Meaning” by Viktor Frankl for my book club. I should say rather I just finished listening to it. I have a hard time squeezing in reading unless I am on vacation. So I tried to listen to it while I was driving in between clients.

Heavy book to listen to however, especially in between clients.

It was a great book and one that I think everyone should read.

We talked in my book club about how if you are ever feeling sorry for yourself, or feel that you have hard trials and suffering – then you need to read this book. It puts everything into perspective. Nothing can put things more into perspective than reading about living, and then surviving several concentration camps (and losing your entire family too).

It is the kind of book that I am sure you can read and re-read and take something new away from it every time.

There were a few things that really struck me when reading it:

1) His deep love for his wife. He talks about how his thoughts of her, his visions of her, his ability to have conversations with her in his mind, kept him going. His undying love for her was what helped him through his everyday, and helped him find the strength to carry on. What an amazing love and testament to how important love is, how important that “one” whom you love should be. It just made me think of how precious true love is, and what a gift it is to share it with someone.

This of course, is in stark contrast to an article I read in Today’s Parent magazine about “Why parents cheat”. It was an interesting read. However, it always amazes me how infidelity is so justified to so many people: “If I am not happy and you are not making me happy, then I have every right to go out and find someone on the side that will make me happy”.

Do we just not value love in the same way? Do we just have “too much” in our lives that we feel so entitled to so many things without necessarily owning our own happiness?

Which leads me to the next thought that jumped out at me from the book:

2) I wish I could quote this word for word, but since I listened to the book, I can only give the gist:

Many people have/live/experience the same conditions as other people. It is not the conditions that define the outcome, or the result, or our overall experience. It is the decisions we make when we are enduring the conditions that determine the outcome.

Many people endured concentration camps. What was different for each person was how they endured this unthinkable trial.

Makes me think of the quote: “You can’t always change your circumstance, but you can change how you think about your circumstance”.

While reading the book, I often thought, “What would I have done”? “How would I have reacted”? I marvel at the strength people found. I marvel at the ability many had to not only survive, but to still keep their faith, still keep their hope, and still, find meaning in their lives. What that teaches about the human spirit is incredible. The outside conditions do not define us. It is our inner self where the strenth lies.

3) The last thing (there were many many other things, but the last thing I will share) was something he talked about in a chapter that was added years after the original book was published.

He reports how statistics show that people who attempt to commit suicide, and are not succesful, months or sometimes years later are almost always happy that the suicide attempt was not successful. They almost always are able to move to a better place, at a later time. This makes me sad as I think of all the people who have ended their lives with the feeling that things would never get better.

Working with the clients I work with, I am often faced with clients who are in the depths of despair, and suicide is often an option on their list. Right before Christmas this year, I sat with a client in the emergency room after his call that he couldn’t do it anymore. I only wished that I could fast forward his life a bit and show him what he had to live for: his daughter’s wedding? His son’s graduation? The birth of a grandchild? But I do not know what he has in store for him.

I think often of one of my favorite clients who took his own life a couple of years ago, never being able to get over the changes in his life since he was involved in the accident that seemingly took everything from him. Would he see things differently now? Would he have been one of the stats saying he was glad that his attempt had not worked?

Frankl discusses how we sometimes only understand the meaning of our lives at the end of our lives – on our death bed in fact. He makes the comparision to a movie. We can analyze individual scenes, and come to some understanding of them, but it is only when the whole film is completed, and we have seen it all, that we can we really understand how things were linked together and why they occurred in the order that they did. We can’t understand the full meaning of the movie until we have seen the whole movie. That holds for life too: Why did that happen to us? Why do we suffer? Why did we experience this? We may only understand the movie when the credits are rolling, and we are able to piece it all together.

That means, there are many different “scenes” we are living now that may not make sense. We need to just hold on with the faith that the meaning may be obscured right now, but it will all make sense in the end. Of course, the question of when is the actual end is also question of individual faith.

It was a heavy read – but I think it is a must read at some point in everyone’s life. Certainly helps me feel gratitude for the blessings and trials that I have had in my life. And, of course, to appreciate and savour the precious moments and joy that I am granted now.

Recipe: Pasta Carbonara

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There are two recipes I play around with that can be called “Pasta Carbonara”.

The first one I call “Bacon Onion Pasta”. It’s quick and yummy, but some picky eaters complain about too many onions.

Bacon – about 10 strips
Onions – 1 small
Garlic – minced
Olive oil
1 egg – beaten
Salt
Pepper
Spaghettini

Chop up onion into small pieces. Cook bacon until almost done, then cut into small pieces. In pan, add 2 tbsp (or amount needed to lightly cover pan) olive oil and heat. Add chopped onion, bacon, garlic (to taste – or about 1-2 tbsp). Saute until onions are clear. Set aside.

Meanwhile, cook spaghettini in salted water until al dente. When done, drain and put back into pan. Add bacon, onion and oil mixture, stirring well. Stir in 1 beaten egg until well mixed. Add pepper, salt and parmesan cheese to taste.

The second one pleases more of the crowd as the onions are less obvious:)

Pasta Carbonara

1 medium onion chopped
Garlic, minced (as much as you want).

Saute onion and garlic. Set aside.

Make 10 slices bacon – cook until crispy and the cut into small pieces. Set aside.

Cook fettucine to al dente.

In large bowl, beat 2/3 cup part skim ricotta cheese until smooth, then add 2/3 cup egg substitute and the onion galic mixture and mix together. Stir in 1/2 cup milk, bacon, 4 tbsp parmesan, salt, pepper and 1 tbsp oregano.

Combine cooked pasta and mixture together in pot and cook, stirring gently for about two minutes until sauce thickens. Serve at once, sprinkled with parsly and parmesan.

Best 10’s: Back to Running

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We have had such a mild winter – which has been so nice in some ways. This morning it looked like a beautiful spring morning, and I knew I could no longer hide behind the “frigid winter, too much snow” on the ground reasons I give for not running outside in the winter.

My usual routine – every year it seems – is that come spring, I gear up for running. I run run run and get into a good groove, and then summer vacation hits. That usually throws me off – even though when we are on vacation I usually am very good at running – I love getting up to see the sunrise and it’s the perfect time of day to run! But somehow, my groove gets thrown off. Then fall rolls around and is pretty hit and miss, with so much to do to get back to routine. Then it gets cold. And dark. And cold. And I become the biggest wimp. Then I bake for Christmas, enjoy the holidays a bit too much, feel like crap, and then alas, time to go running again. It’s usually too cold, so I do some indoor stuff and wait until March to get back out there.

Except this year – our February is more like March. No excuses. Time to start runnng again.

So, this morning, I layered up (it’s still a bit chilly), dragged Rob out of bed (I have to drag him out of bed, but once we are running he is the one dragging me) and we hit our usual route.

My top 10 reasons to get back to running:

1) Once you get going, it feels so great to be out in the fresh air!

2)Get rid of that muffin top that keeps me warm in the winter – but makes me feel like all my clothes are just a little too tight:(

3) So I can feel good in these cute new swimsuits I just bought when we head for Costa Rica in March.

4) To think and daydream (when I run alone)

5) To listen to some uninterrupted music (when I am alone). I like it blasting in my ears (I know, I know, not good for my ears).

6) To talk my husband’s ear off when I run with him, or have my ear talked off when one of my kid’s run with me.

7) To eat better (I eat better when I know how hard I have worked running).

8) To look more closely at my surroundings and appreciate the beauty everywhere: I love how the sun rays peak through buildings, how the city looks when no one is up, how quiet the streets are, how blue the sky is….

9) To have more energy (at first I’m always so drained…need to remember that) but then I feel good.

10) Boost in my self confidence. Feels so good when I challenge myself and then achieve the challenge. I’m more of a leisure runner – but this year I said I would do a 5K – only so I can then push myself a little harder to do a 10k:) Baby steps.

Happy 9th Birthday Josh

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Josh turns 9 today!

When he was little, we called him “Baby Josh” (or “Baby Dosh” as Zach would say). I never imagined a time when we wouldn’t call him that!

But not so much now.

But he’s still that to me.

Josh is a man of character. I thought maybe I’d try to find some of my fave poses. Then I just got carried away. A lot carried away. Here is the end result:

Thank goodness I only went digital when I got divorced, and thank goodness I didn’t access the pics on Rob’s computer. I would have had tons more! (And of course, I’ve created a monster and will have to do this for all the kids).

Back to Josh.

For his birthday he had asked for a soccer shirt (big surprise) but it had not arrived yet:( So, he got to open a little soccer bag, filled with soccer stuff (little pad, soccer puzzle, luggage tag etc.). His favorite was the soccer rubber ducky. He was pretty happy with his candy poster too.

For dinner, we headed to an Ethiopian restaurant – (his choice) – I think he just likes eating with his hands! Then we headed home for some red velvet cupcakes with cream cheese icing. Yum.

It was a pretty good birthday.

Here are nine things that I love about him:

1. His passion for food – especially desserts. This turns into an appreciation for yummy things that are made for him – AND his desire to bake and cook with me!

2. His total commitment and focus to soccer – and any other sport he participates in.

3. His incredible sense of humour and ability to keep us all laughing.

4. His sweet side: comes out when he goes into “Big Brother Role” with Sam and tries to teach him things – he is so sweet.

5. His big hugs, smooches, and how he tickles my hair and always gets the pillow and blanket for me (and covers me) when we watch a show.

6. His independence in getting his homework done and his little tricks to study.

7. His cuddliness at bedtime, willingness to listen to me sing (Weary Hobo), and talk about Barbaloots. Then his ability to flatline sleep.

8. His honesty when he knows he should get a consequence.

9. His intensity and quirkiness that can drive us all a little bit crazy! It’s what makes him him:)

I love you Josh more than you will ever know!

Happy Birthday!

Mom
xoxox

Quote of the Week

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“The best way to see faith is to shut the eye of reason”
Benjamin Franklin

It is good to get an education, to read, to gain knowledge. We must always challenge ourselves and expand our brains and horizons. We need to think critically, ask questions, seek answers and make decisions based on facts.

But sometimes all intellect will fail. Despite our greatest efforts, we are not successful. We may do everything within our power but still fall short .

Sometimes all there is is faith.

Sometimes we may have a hard time relying on this faith. That’s why it’s so important to nurture it all the time – not just in times of crisis.

Sometimes we may feel like we have no faith – and that is when we can set aside our pride, and perhaps shut the eye of reason and there, we can find faith.