Two Homes, One Family

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A near fatal error occurred the other day.

Somehow, my name was also included on the class list of one of my skids.

Yes, it is true.

I actually laughed when I saw it as I knew it would send my skid’s mother through the roof. I figured there would be some “dire consequences” to it (which there were in the typical passive aggressive manner we have become accustomed to).

It’s funny because I don’t even know how it happened. I think their Mom thinks it was some malicious attempt I made to overthrow her. I am listed as an emergency contact (as is one of my best friends for that matter) on the main school documents, but on the sheet for the specific teacher info was only written Rob’s contact info – not mine. But, I guess the teacher saw I was picking up my skid some days, was clearly married to Rob, and thought perhaps we were all grown ups and had a normal relationship, so she wrote on the list the Mom’s name and number and then underneath wrote Rob’s name and my name and our home number. Gasp.

Apparently, not only did it lead to the passive/aggressive dropping the kids off at a babysitters instead of dropping them with me as arranged when Rob was away (without letting me know), it lead to the accusation of “trying to take over her mother role”. Afterall, she would never do that with her stepkids (which really has no bearing given the dynamics of how that relationship came to pass and furthermore, to each their own. There are many things I would never do either that she does).

It boggles my mind.

I have been the Mom of my boys (or the dreaded “ex wife”) – when they have had a Smom. She was even a woman who I had a strong negative history with when I was married to their Dad. I have to admit, at first it was tough having her spend time with my boys. But that was mainly in part because I felt like she had stolen my husband – and was then taking my kids. I was also going through the “divorce crazy stage”. So, I think there was even an actual reason to be upset. But, as soon as my life moved on from “divorce crazy” to “some acceptance” and then eventually to “insanely happy”, I couldn’t care less about her. In fact, I wanted her to be a good Smom as that only benefitted my children. I would have prefered that she loved and adored them and treated them as true family, as that would have made them feel loved, secure and accepted. It didn’t turn out that way, as she had issues accepting them. Maybe I’m just biased because of my experience…. I would way prefer my kids to be loved by their Smom.

I guess I am also confident with my role as a mother. The best Smom in the world can’t replace me as a Mom, so why feel threatened by it?

But in the case of my husband and his ex? I don’t get it. It was her choice to leave their marriage to move on to “greener pastures”. I was not in the picture until later – so there was no pent up anger towards me. So why on earth does she carry such anger and animosity? Is it because I actually do love my skids and she would prefer I didn’t ? Or perhaps it is more of a reflection of her own inner self and state of mind….

My skids and I have had this conversation since day one: They have a mother. They love their mother and she loves them. No one can ever replace their mother. No one wants to replace their mother. There is no competition. We don’t even play in the same league.

But the reality is, I have married their father and have become their stepmother. They live with us a full 50% of the time. I have two choices. I could decide to treat them as my “husband’s children” and tolerate their “50% of the time visits” (which I saw what happened with my children and their Smom when this approach was taken). Or, I could try to establish independent relationships with them and develop our own Smom/Skid bond and extend our family circle even wider to include everyone.

I have chosen the latter. Sue me. I have chosen to love them. I have chosen to do all the little things for them that I do with my own kids: celebrate their birthdays, help them with homework, do special things for them, sign them up for activities on our time, show them and tell them I love them. Horrible person that makes me I know.

Our kids all have two homes, but they each have one family. They each have a Mom, a Dad and a Step parent. There is no competition between any of those roles. It’s just the way it is. We can fight it or we can celebrate it and help our kids learn to love their unique family, and live peacefully in two homes.

One of my skid’s teachers summed it up quite nicely I thought at curriculum night (yes, I’m sure me being there again was seen as “crossing the line”. But, I’m at the “whatever” stage now. I go to support my skid). My skid introduced us all to his teacher, and his teacher responded, “Wow, it must be nice to know you are so loved with all these people here for you”. That is the way it should be. No competition. No choice required. Just a bigger family. Two homes, one family.

Let’s just hope she doesn’t put my name on the class list though.

Garbage Night

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I took the garbage out this morning.

Rob is out of town, so I had to take out the garbage.

This is a big deal for me.

I married Rob because he takes out the garbage.(Don’t worry – he knows this).

When I got divorced, taking out the garbage was a very painful process. It was a constant reminder of the fact that I was alone. Every week it had to be done. And it was a pain to do. The garbage bins were in the backyard and had to be wheeled around the side of the house down the narrow pathway to the curb.

The problem was winter.

To get them down the narrow path, I had to shovel the sometimes 20 feet (ok I exaggerate – but it was a lot) of snow. And that was a huge pain. I would work all day, pick the boys up from daycare and then do the dinner, bath, bedtime thing. Finally, I would then finish up my notes for the day and be ready to head to bed.

Then I would remember it was garbage day the next day. It drove me absolutely crazy! So, I would bundle up, start shovelling and finally get the garbage to the curb. It sometimes took awhile.

One night I thought I would try to do it a bit earier. I parked the boys in front of the TV (bad Mom I know) and told them I was taking the garbage out.

Of course, I failed to realize that the boys did not know how long it would take me.

I did the usual routine, and then came in exhausted from the whole process only to find two very,very,very (and I mean very) hysterical boys (they were 3 and 4.5 at the time). Zach was almost fully dressed in his snow gear, tears streaming down his face and hyperventilating, struggling to get Josh (also a mess) in his snow gear too.

They saw me and started crying even more. I immediatey burst into tears too – not really knowing what was going on but knowing that something was wrong.

Turns out they thought I had left them. (Suffice it to say my boys had/have major abandonment issues).

They thought I had left them.

I was devastated that these sweet boys had this fear – which caused them to have this reaction.

They were getting dressed to try to come and find me.

After that, garbage night became a huge issue. I could not do it when they were awake as it triggered instantaneous hysteria (despite my reassurances). Light sleeper Zach would instantaeously wake up if he heard the door open soon after they went to bed. So, I had to wait until very very late and keep coming inside to check on them; which made garbage night a very long and late night.

It was a relief when the snow melted I tell you.

But I was on my own for a few winters and this event scarred me (and them, I’m sure). It still brings tears to my eyes everytime I think of it as it represents all the emotional pain my boys have endured.

So taking out the garbage is a pretty triggering event.

When I married Rob, I told him he had to take over the task of taking out the garbage. He obliged (have I ever mentioned what a good man he is)? It has become a joke – that I married him because he takes out the garbage.

But this week, Rob was away, so I had to take out the garbage.

Last night, I grumbled about it. Zach overheard me complaining about it and said “What’s the big deal Mom? What did you do before Rob? Didn’t you take out the garbage at our old house”?

Yes Zach, I did. Every week. Glad you don’t seem to remember.

So I haven’t taken the garbage out in a long time. Maybe even a couple of years? But I did it this morning and it was fine. And the boys were fine. And I thought back to the distant memory of that night. Although still fresh in my mind, it is now a distant memory.

I felt very blessed rolling that bin down the side of our house (different house, but same routine!). I am married to an amazing man, who takes the garbage out…and a whole lot more:). My two sons were totally fine with me taking the garbage out. And taking the garbage out was really not that big of a deal to me either. That is major progress.

Now, I just can’t wait for Rob to come home. I miss him so much:(

But he still is on garbage duty.

Let’s Talk Money: Debt continued

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Since my money series is really bits and pieces of things I want to make sure I tell my kids, I thought I’d do a list of a few “random thoughts” about debt… credit cards in particular since that is the first kind of debt they will likely be exposed too…or tempted by… (part two of last week’s money post on debt).

1. Not sure what age you can actually get a credit card, but you want to make sure you are mature enough to handle it, but still a student since it is easier to get when you are going to school. Some people think it’s smart to wait a long time to get one, but it actually is not a great idea to wait too long. You need to build up a good credit history, and you can only do that if you have credit and use it wisely. They give students credit cards much more readily than non students who are working. So get a card as a student with a low limit ($500), use it wisely and build your credit rating up.

2. Even if you go off, get married and have everything joint, make sure you keep one card in YOUR name. NOT as a secondary card (many times you can have joint account with one person as “primary” and one person as “secondary”. If you are secondary – it doesn’t count for your credit). So, make sure you have 1 card where you are the primary to build up your credit rating in your name.

3. That being said, have a max of 2 cards (one in your name for sure:). Stick to using one card that gives you some good rewards! Be careful though as many reward cards have a yearly fee. Make sure the rewards you are getting are worth more than the annual fee you are paying!

4. Use your credit card for convenience. Use it when you have the money. Never, ever, pay interest. Pay your card off by the due date each month.

5. Never use your credit card for a cash advance. When you make a purchase on a credit card, you do not pay interest right away. You have a “grace” period where you can buy the item and not pay interest as long as you pay your bill off by the due date (same date every month so get to know when it is so you are always ready to pay it on time). But, if you take a cash advance (withdraw money directly from the credit card) you start being charged interest right away.

6. Always ask yourself the question: If I had to pay cash, would I buy this? This often avoids impulse spending….

7. Check your monthly statement! Like I said before, get to know when your bill is due so you will never be late. The second you are late, you pay interest!! Check over your statement too…you will be amazed at some of the errors you can find occasionally!

8.Remember, if your name is on the card – you are responsible for it. If you are the primary card holder, you are responsible. Even if the secondary person racks up all the bills and then flakes out – you are stuck with paying or it will hurt your rredit rating.

That’s it for now!

Quote of the week

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“Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish on its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid”.
– A. Einstein

I thought this quote was pretty appropriate for our family this week. Everyone seems to be trying out for different things: soccer, baseball, strings etc. and obviously some make it, and some don’t.

I stuggle with celebrating with the ones who make it and feeling sad for those who don’t. I want everyone to make everything, but I know that is not good for anybody. You have to get rejected from some things, so that you can try out for others. Who knows what “the” thing is going to be – or if there is even “the” thing for each child. Maybe some of the kids are just meant to do a whole bunch of things.

I think of myself. I was never a super star at anything really. I was ok at at a few things, but I was never the “star” or “expert” in anything and I was ok with that.

I want my kids to be ok with that too – if that is who they are.

I’m so proud of them if they make the team or not. If they are experts or novice. If they have A’s or B’s (note kids: A’s or B’s…don’t try to slip a C in there:) – although I actually look at the comments on the report cards too and am so proud of any real effort they put into anything. I am proud whether they sing off key or are a rock star. Whether they have a ton of friends, or one good buddy. Whether they come in first or last – as long as they finish the race.

They will need to find their spot in life. They will need to figure out what makes them tick, what makes them thrilled, what special extra gifts they have been given. They are all genius’. They just need to figure that out and have confidence to shine – in one thing in particular, or in many little ways.

Either way, I’m a very proud Mom/Smom and so excited to see who they are becoming.

Summer Soccer Recap

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Well the summer is officially over. I know that is the case when we transition from the summer sports to the fall sports.

We had a fun summer, with all the kids in soccer.

Sam, played on Team Argentina. He was a fantastic little goalie, had a ton of energy and was one of few that made constant contact with the ball. It was very cute watching him play every week – they are still at the age where many kids don’t really know which way they should be running. Not Sam. He was on it and on giving directions to his team mates. He had great team spirit, even though his team wasn’t so hot…. They got a medal nonetheless!! I guess thank goodness for the push of our generation of parents that think every kid should get a medal:)(Not sure I agree with this philosophy but it worked this time!)

Here’s a few action shots and Sam with his medal!

Josh, was also on Team Argentina (just higher age range). He informs me he had 22 goals this season. Their team did really well all season, but then unfortunately were short a few players in the finals and they lost. Josh, is extremely passionate about soccer. And I mean passionate. I came home the other day and he was practicing shooting for 2 hours with his left foot (he shoots with his right). Every day he is out there. He wants to be a professional soccer player (although insists he would like to play for Italy but can’t figure out how to do that as he wants to live at home. Cheaper that way. I explained to him he’d have money to buy his own house. He’s on the fence about what he’d do). He actually was scouted out and will be playing at a much higher level next year (starting in winter for training). A lot more stress and commitment for us as parents, but Josh has some raw talent, with some serious motivation, which the coaches feel is a great mix.

A couple of cute pics (with his good buddy Will too). Some of the action shots are blurry because I am still having camera issues!

Check the gorgeous sky on this one:

Posing with his medal (his smile is fake – he was one sad camper)

Zach played for Team Germany. They had a fantastic year – although were just inched out in the playoffs which was disappointing after such a great season. Zach was thrilled that his Dad was the coach, and his best bud Charlie was on the team. He played midfield, and was proud of his 7 goals and many many many assists. He was great at setting up some great plays. Their games were so fun to watch and had me biting my finger nails many times. Zach has worked so hard this season at improving, and had such great sportsmanship – really shone as a team leader. He too wants to be a professional player, so we’ll see what the future holds….

Zandra played for Team England this year. They played a few times against Zach’s team so that made it hard to cheer! Although we just celebrated with both sides. Zandra is an awesome defense girl. She does a great job and can really kick that ball hard! She also has such amazing energy and team spirit. However, she also really enjoyed being off on the sidelines and chatting with her new friend she made on the team. I think she enjoyed heading to the park with her friend after the games too…

Gabe also played on Team Germany (older division) and I have to say he was initially not pleased about it. They sucked at the beginning! It was pretty frustrating for him. Gabe is a great player – but needed the support of other teammates too – which wasn’t always there. He scored one of the few goals his team had all season! Gabe is also a very aggressive player – so got warned a few times by the ref. He didn’t mean to be (right Gabe?), but got carried away I think and surprised by his own strength. Despite being on a not so hot team intially, somehow they pulled it together and made the finals! They played a great game but ended up coming in 2nd. Champs!

So proud of all these guys. They each have their own unique talents and strengths. As they get older, we are starting to see their interests diversify – which is fun and exciting. I’m looking forward to some baseball games, more dance recitals, some music recitals, tennis matches and of course more soccer next year:).

Now onto the fall/winter activities!

Let’s Talk Money: The Four Letter Word

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I have added another “four-letter-word-I-don’t-want-to-hear-from-your-mouths” to our list.

The kids are already quite familiar with it.

And I think it scares them a bit.

And I’m totally fine with that.

DEBT.

Nasty word.

I’ve already shared my little secret how I love money. One of my favourite shows is “Til Debt Do Us Part”. A couple of years ago the kids used to watch it all the time with me. They really did enjoy it and even though a lot was over their heads, it allowed us the opportunity to talk about money. I just wasn’t sure how much was sinking in (they were only 4,6,8,8 and 11)! Sounds a bit much I know, but honestly, they liked (and still like) it!

It was around the same time we bought our boat. We were very excited about it and got all the kids piled in for a little tour on the giant lake for the first time. They were so excited and we headed out! It was Labour Day Weekend and a gorgeous day. The planes were out practicing for the annual airshow, so all the boys were mesmerized.

All of a sudden, the boat came to an abrupt stop and we heard a horrible noise. Rob immediately began checking for the potential problems. Much to his dismay, we had made a terrible, amateur mistake with our new jet boat, and not tied down the bow line in the front. With all the kids moving around, the line had slipped into the water, under the boat and sucked into the jet engine.

We had ruined the engine on our first official trip out.

Now, times like these are when you see personalities come out. Gabe started panicking that we were going to die. Zach and Zandra were both concerned that we did not have sunscreen on, but were both off in their own worlds a few minutes later. Sam, fell asleep. Rob was going on and on about how dumb we were and how this was going to “cost us so much money” to fix etc.etc. He couldn’t get over the fact that we would have to spend “thousands” because of our own stupididty.

Josh took it all in, and with his six year old face mixed with innocence and concern said “Mom, are we in debt? Can we not afford this boat”? We laughed. I guess he had watched enough shows with me that now my six year old was worrying about debt! Time to switch him to some age appropriate shows!

Now that they are all a touch older, I do think it is appropriate for them to get a bit of an understanding of what debt is and how it can wreak havoc and cause tons of stress on your whole life.

It’s such a huge topic though, so I will divide into different posts.

A quick little overview of my thoughts:

First of all, I don’t think all debt is bad…there are some things that are “worth” the debt: house (mortgage), education (student loans) and for me, a car falls under the “ok” debt category (if you need – which we do – and they are vey pricey).

HOWEVER, they all have to be items “within your means”. A mortgage that makes you “house poor”, or a super duper expensive car that you really can’t afford, is not good. The goal should always be to pay everything off as soon as you can and get rid of even this “ok debt”.

I actually also think “credit” can be your friend. We put everything on our credit card, pay off every cent every month, and use our travel points every year. It works for us. We have a home line of credit that we have used to do some home renos (adding to the value of our home), or to help with “cashflow” (yup – this is the slippery slope one…We don’t have set incomes though so sometimes it is necessary…. We always know if and when the money is coming in though – so it’s a question of timing. Famous last words I know, but it actually works for us:)

Bottom line: the beauty of credit is the convenience factor. The downfall is thinking it is like another income. If you don’t have the money, you shouldn’t really be buying it.

That’s it for now…next debt post will be specific advice for you kiddies before you ever take a on single cent of debt….

Quote of the Week

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“Make a good day”.

When we were in Hawaii a few years ago, we stepped into an elevator at our hotel heading out for the day. The elevator was filled and we chatted briefly with a few people, about the weather, beauty of Hawaii etc. – the typical small chat.

We finally came to the floor where we were exiting, and I turned to a man we were small talking with and said, “Have a good day”. I expected him to respond with a smile, or perhaps, “you too”. Instead he responded, “No, make a good day”.

Make a good day. One small change from “Have” to “Make”.

Love it.

“Have” takes ownership away from us and makes us passive bystanders in our life. We can sit back like an audience to our life – waiting and watching each scene unfold. We are at the mercy of whatever the day holds. If we have a good day, it’s due to a fluke, fate, circumstance or plain old luck.

Which, of course, these certainly do play a role.

But, “make” – that is an active word. It implies we have ownership, we have responsibility, we have accountability, we can create our life. We are writers and actors. We are active participants and choose what we want to happen daily – even it’s only choosing our attitude instead of our circumstances.

I have thought of this man many a day since our brief encounter. While I do not go around saying, “Make a good day” to everyone, I certainly think it in my head every time the words “Have a good day” are uttered by me or to me. It reminds me of the power I have to create a great life for myself and my family.

Make a great day everyone!

Blending Motherhood

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I love reading about parenting.

I love surfing the web about parenting.

Of course, I am particularly interested in Motherhood.

I came across a great site today – recommended by another amazing site. It is a site for “Smoms” (stepmoms).

I was a little sad when I saw the word “Smom”. We though we coined it in our house:( Gabe came up with it a few years ago – or so we thought. But, alas, there is a whole smattering of Smoms out there. Including a “Cafe Smom” website

I checked this website out and was immediately sucked into it as I could relate to so much of it. I’m looking forward really exploring it.

I also love one of my “go to Mom” websites: PowerofMoms. I like to read different uplifting articles from this site and get a lot of good ideas.

But something struck me today.

I can’t go to the same website. I have to go to one website for being a Mom and another website for being a Smom.

Now, I get why (sort of…). And in reality, of course both websites are open to everyone.

But I do find it sad that as much as we try to make “Motherhood” all encompassing, there are dividers. We label ourselves: I am a stay at home (SAHM), I’m a working Mom, I am a single Mom. Then there is the biological Mom, the Adoptive Mom, the Stepmom (Smom).

Notice though how these words describe our circumstances around motherhood – not the kind of mothers we actually are. These descriptors certainly carry a lot of weight too. We automatically conjure up certain thoughts, judgements and stereotypes (We do. Just saying. I’ve seen it first hand especially being a “Smom”).

But we are all Mothers. We are all raising children. As much as it is important to celebrate diversity, I think we need to celebrate commonalities too. Commonalities in our hearts: regardless of circumstance, we are mothers.

So for now, I’ll keep jumping websites, but in my reality, I am blending both of those worlds together. I may be a biological Mom, a Smom, a working Mom…but I am one person: I am a Mother, which is an revered and sacred role, and my badge of honour that I wear proudly.

Back to Traditions

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Back to the basics.

That is what September is all about for me.

Back to school, back to homework, back to making lunches. Back to routine essentially.

I like routine. I like structure. I like tradition.

I know sometimes routine is sometimes seen as boring. But I actually see routine as also building traditions and nothing gets me more excited than traditions.

My Mom announced this week that she was not coming for Christmas, rather she was going to spend it with my sister. I am happy for both of them – as they will have a nice time together (my sister is serving a service mission for our church out in Alberta and my Mom hasn’t seen her in 10 months).

I told the kids. They were a bit bummed. “We’ve never had a Christmas without Gran”. But I have to admit, it was also “What??? What about her baking!? What are we going to do? The fudge, the nanaimo bars, the date squares (although I can do without those. Yuck)???”…That really had us all spinnning. Everyone was upset that the tradition was going to be broken. Now we’ll need to make the “new traditions when Gran isn’t around” (and I’m sure she can UPS us some baking:)

But this weekend we got to bring back some traditions after the craziness of the summer….

Our “Family Vacation Binder” tradition:

We started this tradition after our first official family vacation: our Family Honeymoon in Jamaica and have continued it ever since. After each vacation we take, we all sit down to write and draw our best memories. These pages then get inserted into this special binder (clearly it is nothing fancy!). I usually get the job of summarizing everything we did in a page or two and make the title page. Rob does one of his amazing sketches, and the kids make the best drawings and write the cutest things. We always review past vacations as we insert the new pages, and are amazed at how the artistic talent has improved over the years!

The second tradition we got back to is our “Sunday Surprise Dinner”. Every second Sunday (when we are all together) one child gets to plan, cook and serve dinner with me. We look through cookbooks ahead of time and then shop and prep the meal together. I even bought aprons for us to wear when we were in Italy this year! The kids love it. They sometimes just pick something they want to learn to make, or sometimes it is their favorite dish. Often, it is a brand new recipe they want to try. We keep track of all the the “winner” recipes.

It was Zandra’s turn this week. We made “Mexican Lasagna” – instead of noodles, it was flour tortillas. There was meat, taco sauce, beans, corn, lots of cheese and served with a dollop of sour cream. It was quite tasty!

The kids were excited to get back to this tradition too. They were discussing what they would be making in the next few weeks.

And that is the beauty of traditions – the predictableness of something to come, something to look forward to, something to get excited about, and something to bond us all together. I love traditions:)

Quote of the Week

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“Happinessisnowhere”

What does this actually say?

Amazing how looking at it one way it is a depressing statement, but looking at with with a slightly shifted different lense, it reads completely differently.

The first time my client showed it to me, I have to admit, I read it the “negative way”. Made me think about all the “negative things” that I may see that aren’t really there at all. If I change my perception, I can change a lot.