Let’s Talk Money

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I have a little secret that only a few people really know about me.

I love money.

Sounds weird but I do.

When I go buy a magazine, I go buy one about money.

I like reading books about money.

I like watching shows about money.

I like teaching my kids about money.

I like making our financial plan, or talking about our money goals.

Interestingly though, I hated my job at the bank. It wasn’t the kind of “money talk” that I liked, but ,I learned a lot!

Years and years ago, I read a book called “The Wealthy Barber”. It was an easy read, and explained everything you need to know about your own financial planning in Canada. I have re-read the book several times.

The author, David Chilton, just wrote another book called “The Wealthy Barber Returns” which I just read this weekend. It is an interesting book. It compliments some of the other books I have enjoyed: written by Derek Foster (Stop Working: Here’s How You Can!; The Idiot Millionaire), by David Bach (Smart Couples Finish Rich), and of course, Gail Vaz Oxlade (Debt Free for Life; The Money Tree Myth (great book to teach kids about money)). It also fits along the same lines as Gail’s TV show “Til Debt Do Us Part” and one of of my favorite websites and magazine: Moneysense.

I have made my children watch “Til Debt Do Us Part” many times (they actually like it), and have even reviewed the “Money Tree Myth Tree” book with them. We frequently talk about money, and we have a work and allowance system in our house to help teach them the value of money.

One of the reasons I started this blog is so I can record all the big details and little details of our life as a family. I don’t want to miss a thing. I can look back on these times fondly, and have a great record of the memories. My kids can also remember their childhood through my recordings.

Another reason, is for me to become more deliberate in my mothering, parenting, and really everything I do in life. When you write about things, you think about them more and then you become more accountable to yourself too. It provides a certain level of clarity, perspective and helps prioritize things.

Finally, I wanted a place to leave my kids some of my thoughts, feelings, persectives, teachings, knowledge and wise tid bits that I have learned.

My Dad died when I was 31 – just as I was starting a family. As I am getting older, dealing with the challenges of raising a family, balancing work and family, learning new things, I wish I had a bit more of his persective. Yes, I’m sure he told me many things – but I certainly didn’t write them down or remember them, and quite honestly you often only really listen when you are in a particular situation. So I wish I could just plug in a “search word” of “Dad’s thoughts on XYZ or ABC”. That’s what I want to leave for my kids too.

Yes, in part, I am writing this blog in case I die sooner than I am able to have all the conversations I want to have with my kids. Creepy I know. I guess that’s another little secret.

So I decided, I wanted to do some posts on money. I am not an expert, but I enjoy learning, and want to try to share what I have learned – and then what I have done that has been successful. It may be basic stuff – but man I am amazed at how many of these books offer the most basic advice – that apparently many people don’t know!

So kids: these posts will be for you in particular!

Tip number 1: Live within your means.

See what I mean? Basic. Yet millions live above their means.

Spend less than what you make. Always. Or, make more than what you spend. Not rocket science. Pure math.

In his second book, Chilton states that the biggest mistake people make is buying a house above what they can afford. Just because the bank says you can afford a certain amount, does not mean that you can afford it ! They look at what you can afford based on your gross income (money you make before all your taxes and deductions). You need to see what you can afford based on your after tax income and after proper savings.

Living within your means means you don’t put things on credit and figure it out later. You have the money set aside now or you make a plan to get the money before you buy it.

Living within your means is making choices. You can’t have it all – all at the same time that is. You have to pick and choose what your priorities are at this time.

Living within your means is learning how to say “I can’t afford that” when you can’t. It’s better than going along with a plan that you will literally pay for later – and it may not be pretty.

Living within your means may mean working harder, longer, getting more education, or getting a better job if you need to make more money to support how you really want to live. But get the better paying job before you start living grander!

Living within your means gives you a lot of security and peace of mind – something that is really priceless.

That’s it. The most basic, fundamental tip which will save you lots of headaches.

Grandparents

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It has been 8 days since I have seen my boys. I have talked to them daily, and they are having a great time. But, of course, I miss them.

Today is the day their Dad leaves Florida (where they are vacationing with him) and their Grandparents (their Dad’s parents) arrive to start a week holiday with them there. They are pretty excited to spend that time with Ama and Grandad.

I am excited for them too.

I loved my Granny. She passed away in January 2010 and is sorely missed in our family. She was a great Granny – I have such fond memories of her from my childhood all the way to my adulthood (a few weeks before she passed away even).

What was most interesting about her was the role she had in my life: she wasn’t a grandmother that was the “babysitter” or the “come over and clean our house” or the “if all else fails, call Granny to do it”. Many grandparents are like that – help out a lot – and I think that is great (although I have some pretty strong opinions on what happens to parents when their parents (i.e. the grandparents) do too much for them…maybe another post)…. I think that is one aspect of grandparenting – but a very marginal one.

Granny was a plan visits to the museum-play cards-paint with you-take you to the movies or a play-go on walks-paint your birthday card-have you over for a special one on one weekend-slip you a bit of cash to go to the corner store-take you out to eat-listen to your stories-kind of Granny.

She was not the “help my Mom out” kind of Grandmother. Now I certainly don’t mean that with any disresepct – as I know she did help my Mom out too. But her main priority, in my eyes (which that was the only perspective that really mattered to me) was me. She wanted to spend time with me because of me – not because my parents had asked her to as they were busy or had to do something else. And boy did that make me feel special.

I think that should be the role for Grandparents – really. It’s sometimes easier with our own parents, but harder with our in laws. We may like having our own parents around because it is easier to be completely honest with them – or we can ask them to do stuff (or not do stuff).

I had this conversation with my girlfriend about this as she has a new baby. I had asked her if her mother-in-law would be coming by and she had responded that she was, but she often wasn’t that much “help”. My own in-laws have a new grandchild and told me they didn’t get to spend much time with the baby as the parents had “enough help” or were doing fine on their own, or could call someone else with “more experience with babies” (seriously)!

I think the role of “helping” from grandparents is really secondary to their real role: building a very special and unique bond with their granchild. Who cares if they are not much help: they don’t need to be! It’s not their primary focus. Of course it is a bonus if they are helpful too – but they have done their “parenting” duties! It is time for some fun for them!

Our job as parents is to step back and make sure we are not preventing our children from developping that very special role with their grandparents because of our own hangups. If we stand in our children’s way we are actually doing them a great disservice and depriving them of more people to love them. Nothing can beat the love of a grandparent! We are also depriving the grandparents as well – and that is just not fair. After years of sacrifice raising us – do they not get to enjoy some of their legacy?

I am so grateful that I was able to experince that unique relationship with my Granny and Papa. I now have the opportunity to help foster the relationships between my kids and their grandparents. My kids are lucky as they gained an extra set of grandparents in the divorce. I hope that they are able to nurture all those special relationships. And I can help make that happen. In fact, I need to help make that happen – it is a top priority if I want what is best for my child.

So while I miss Zach and Josh very much, I am excited for them to spend this week with Ama and Grandad. It is an opportunity for them to have a lot of fun and create lasting memories and bonds forever. Enjoy!

Starting Over

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I started running many years ago.

Let me re-phrase that: I started running on and off many years ago.

I would start, build up to a good pace, then something would happen: sickness, fatigue, pregnancies, young kids, busy work schedule, vacations and a multitude of many other excuses.

The past couple of years have been really on or off. I got really good last year. Then winter came and I got chicken of the cold. I started back up in spring but somehow this year things have not clicked. I get tired easily, I feel sore more easily, I wimp out more. I have been pretty frustrated with myself.

So, I have decided to start over.

Instead of trying to piecemeal it all together, or having to figure out what I am doing wrong and correcting it, I am just pretending I am a completely novice runner and starting over – again.

And it is so liberating.

I pulled out my running book and opened it to a running training program. Ok, I didn’t start over at week 1 as that I have mastered. I started at week 5 – it is easy enough for me to do, but challenging enough that it will make me feel like I am doing something productive.

Starting over is such a good thing. I wonder why I don’t do it more often – in more things in my life.

With my clients, it is a common approach I take. Many of them have challenges in reading after their TBI (traumatic brain injury). Almost all want to jump back in to read what they were reading before their accidents. I aways tell them to start with an easy read: junior books. Most hate the idea and resist it. We spend a little while staying frustrated, trying to figure out the bandaid solution and then usually never really reading. Some sadly, just never read again. Others, heed the advice to “start over” and usually do so much better and move their way up.

Starting over is also helpful with kids. Whenever one of my kids gets frustrated with a school assignment, the best thing to do is to go back from the beginning and start over – to then see where the breakdown occurred. Usually, it works and they are able to get it right the second (or third, or fourth….) time. But who cares? There is no limit to how often you can start over – that’s the beauty of it!

I’ve read parenting advice which suggests when you start going down that road of an argument with one of your kids – or you hear them say something rude – just suggest they start over – and often they will and it will diffuse the situation and give everybody a chance to do things right the second time around. The times I have tried this approch – it has always been successful.

Every day we are given the chance to start over. We can go to sleep and leave the day behind and get ready to start over the next day. Of course, we can’t leave all our worries and cares behind completely, but we can start over with our attitudes and behaviours. In my faith, starting over is an important principle; it comes in the form of repentance and forgiveness and is truly one of our greatest gifts – but we have to take advantage of it.

September is coming up and in our house it represents a great time to start over: school is starting! New teachers, new grades, new subjects. It is an opportunity for each child to redefine who they are going to be and the slate is blank for the story of “this grade” to be written. It actually is very exciting!

Starting over allows you to be free from the past and move forward with creating the future. Any future you want to create.

I am going to be a good runner this time. And if not, I will be the next time I start over.

Entitlement

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At my cousin Dan’s wedding on the weekend, his Dad gave a speech and said something that caught my attention.

He talked about how he and my aunt had saved for Dan’s education and paid for it entirely. Dan was subsequently able to graduate with zero debt.

Shortly after school, when Dan was working, Dan thanked his Dad for paying for that education and expressed his gratitude to his parents for paving that way for him. He then went on to offer to repay his parents back all the money that University cost.

Huh?

Really?

Seriously Dan! What were you thinking!?!

I was actually most impressed with what Dan must have been thinking. He knew that it took some sacrifice on his parent’s part to save that money. He knew that many kids out there are not as lucky as he was. He knew that he was blessed and took the time to not only express his appreciation, but his desire and willingness to give something back.

He knew he was not entitled to that education.

Entitlement is something that I have been thinking a lot about. It’s something that I am concerned about often when I hear my kids talk – or hear their friend’s talk. Or see the actions and behaviours that go along with some of that talking.

I’m particularly sensitive to it being in a blended family because we really run up against these problems and are at a bit of a loss of how to deal with them. We joke how our kids are going to have to make a lot of really good money to keep up with this lifestyle they are now getting accustomed to: 4 weeks vacations every summer (2 with each parent), two Christmas celebrations (and all the stuff that goes along with that), 2 birthday celebrations, multiple sets of grandparents spoiling; never mind some of the “guilt” presents they get too….

I am excited to read a new book by some of my favorite parenting expert authors: Linda and Richard Eyre. I love their stuff on their parenting website here.

I have also enjoyed reading some of their books. They have a new book coming out about Entitlement in September. I read about it and their mission to help parents deal with this issue that is plaguing our kids here.

As much as I want to give my kids everything, I really want to make sure that I am giving them everything they need to be happy and successful in life – which sometimes means giving them less than everything….I’m curious to see what the Eyre’s have to say.

Wedding speeches

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We had a few final days at the cottage before having to head home.

As much as we enjoyed our time there, I was ready to come home.

We had to get home a touch early as the boys were departing for their vacation with their Dad: 1 week in Florida with him and then a week in Florida with their grandparents.

It will be the longest time apart from them for me: 16 days. Brutal.

I remember initially after my divorce, I would cry when I wouldn’t see them over night. They were just babies! Those were the loneliest nights of my life. Then the first time they went away for a week – I was so devastated. I went to Vegas with some good friends as a distraction and had a great time, but I missed them intensely.

Now, I will miss them, but you somehow have to get used to it. That’s the deal with divorce. People often say to you “I could never be without my kids” as if somehow alluding to the fact that they are different than you. I usually say nothing, because the reality is in divorce, there is no option. I could never be without my kids either but that does not factor into the equation. So, I got through early years with a lot of tears and distractions, and now, even though my heart aches, I know it is temporary and I can count down the days. I also have more than just “distractions” in my life – I have a great hubby and amazing skids – who share in feeling a little sad when part of our family is missing.

But this reminds me of the fact that the day will come, when my kids and skids just don’t come “home” anymore, they will only come to visit.

The other reason we came home early was to attend the wedding of these gorgeous people:

My little cousin Daniel and his beautiful bride, Cheryl. They are supermodel beautiful and it was a really nice wedding. It was so nice to catch up to my extending Busing family.

My Mom is the eldest of 6 and each sibling had 2-3 kids each. Most of those kids now have branched off with families of their own so it gets harder and harder to get everyone in one place. Weddings always provide a nice opportunity to catch up with everybody. We all have such a good time together – and all say “we need to get together more often!”.

Last night’s wedding was particularly interesting – because I am getting older.(And maybe more emotional?!)

I remember when Dan was born; I remember talking to this shy, cute little kid. I remember when he was the age that my kids are now. And that is scary. Because it feels like yesterday, and now he is married.

I listened to my aunt talk about Dan in her wedding speech and know that the stories she shared, to her, feel like just yesterday. That those same stories she was telling, are the actual adventures that I am living now with my kids (or are to occur in the next couple of years – there always seem to be a lot of stories about the teen years!).

It takes my breath away to think about how quickly time flies.

Then I start to panic – “Am I cherishing every moment? Am I maximizing my time with my kids? Am I preparing them in the best way possible? Am I being the best Mom and Smom that they need? Are they going to needs tons of therapy because of the things I do or don’t do?!”

I spent so much time dreaming about being a Mom when I was younger, and had all sorts of images and ideals in my head. Then I had these babies and it felt like that time would last forever.

I remember being really panicked while getting divorced – and quite resentful – that the divorce was distracting me from being with my young toddlers, where I really wanted to devote all my attention. I remember one night making a very conscious decision that I would NOT allow the divorce to rob me of the precious “little guy” years that I had with my boys. I had to just have faith that one day I would be “OK” – so I should not worry about that and just enjoy all the special moments. And I’m glad I was able to do that. Although there is still a bittersweetness to a lot of my memories of the boys’ early years – having to do and see so many milestones on my own – I’m glad I made those memories.

And that is just it. Every memory that was recounted during the wedding speeches, was a memory that was made. Lots of things just happen, but we can choose to make things happen too. We can choose to make traditions, choose to take time off, choose to read a bed time story, choose to snuggle, choose to play a game, choose to make cookies etc. and all these little moments create the memories that get recited on the wedding day.

I am creating the memories right now that will one day get recited at one of my kid’s weddings! That is exciting and overwhelming all at the same time. Makes me realize how important it is to live right in the present moment and appreciate all the joys and adventures we are living now as all these rascals grow into the wonderful people they were destined to become.

Even though Rob and I spend much time without our children due to being divorced (which is good and bad – but we choose to focus on the good!!), we know that the time when they are with us is even more precious. In general, as parents, we have such a short period of time to spend with our children creating memories, teaching and guiding them, laughing and sharing in their everyday lives (and then with the effects of divorce, our time is even cut shorter) that we don’t want to waste second of it! One day we will be up there giving speeches using the stories that we are living right now!

Please someone remind me of this “special time we are living in” the next time I hear a little back talk or get hauled into the teacher’s office for a chat….

Finding Yourself

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I have just finished reading two completely different, yet strangely complimentary books: Wanderlust by Elisabeth Eaves and Everyone is Beautiful by Katherine Center.

Wanderlust is a story of a women who has an insatiable lust for travel and she spends her 20’s and 30’s travelling to the ends of world, searching for adventure and love. Her travel stories were fascinating; made me want to travel more on one level, but her experiences with love never really sat well with me. She found love – in each and every place she travelled, but jumped from lover to lover, not really being commmitted to anyone, occasionally feeling a tinge of guilt, but generally felt following her desires and her hunger for love superceded any commitment or loyalty she had to anyone. In fact, in the end she questions the purpose of fidelity and if she can ever really find satisfaction in one relationship. She thinks being with one man would be the equivalent of never being able to see another country again. It would be a too much of a sacrifice. She also lives with one of the “paybacks of infidelity” as she puts it: “being untrustworthy makes me suspicious that others are too”. And you can’t have a relationships without trust. So she continues leading a double life; having different partners depending on where she is in life. In the end, she breaks it off with all her men and goes back to her roots to start another adventure.

It was an interesting take on relationships.

It was actually quite sad to read.

I related to the desire to travel (although my travel needs aren’t quite so exotic and primitive; I do like luxury:), but I did not relate to her take on relationships; like they were temporary, situational, disposable. I kept thinking she felt this way because she just had never found the right man. Perhaps though, she was never the right woman either.

The second book, Everyone is Beautiful, is also about a woman who is trying to find herself; or reclaim herself after having given birth to 3 sons and feeling herself being slowly absorbed into motherhood. In this story, she doesn’t travel anywhere, but joins a gym, and finds a passionate hobby. In the midst of trying to find herself, she somehow loses touch with her husband.

This story started off as a typical story: mid life Mom tries to find herself. I was expecting her to join the gym, sign up for yoga, leave her husband, pierce her nose, get a tatoo and start shopping at Guess Jeans. Typical mid life crisis Mom. Sorry – a little stereotypical I know – but true to my observations. However, she does find herself and in the end, she finds her husband too – and falls in love with her existing life again. Near the end of the book, she kisses her husband of many years and says, “I realized that nothing about the kiss could have been as good if I didn’t know Peter (her husband) backward and forward and inside out…. If we didn’t know each other precisely that well, and hadn’t been disappointed and dismayed time and time again, and breathed each other’s breath, and become so woven into every minute of each other’s lives and even come to take each other for granted in the way that only you can when you’ve seen years and years of day in and day out, it wouldn’t have been the same”.

Such a drastic difference: a woman who can never be satisfied by one man; who needs to have a different man in each country so she does not get bored, so she can keep falling in love over and over again and keep the passion alive.

And then a woman who finds that she can fall in love over and over again with a man who knows her inside and out, watching him do the same things over and over. The payoff for all the routine and mundane-ness that often follows marriage, as she puts it was “intimacy – something you could not buy, or pick up at bar or have a one night stand with. Something you could earn only by putting in the man hours”.

I finished book 1 feeling a little unsettled. I finished book 2 with a smile; I guess some may say I am looking through rose coloured lenses. In the age where mid life equals crisis, where long term marraige must equal boredom, it was nice to read an ending where the people do stay together and are stronger and happier for it. It was nice to read about a woman who can find herself within the context of her exisitng life; that she can still be an individual and a Mother. The two are not mutually exclusive as I think sometimes society tries to get us to believe. That she can still be exciting and passionate to others around her – but especially to her husband. You don’t have to throw your whole life away to find yourself and start from scratch. Sometimes the very best adventure starts in your own home. You just have to look for it within your home.

Cottage Days

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Cottage days have been quite simple: we sleep in, we have slow lazy mornings, head down to the beach (about 20 feet away) and swim and kayak and go on the boat. Rob took the three older boys out for a long kayak ride across the lake today. They were exhausted!

We usually have lunch on the picnic table, then spend some time relaxing and reading (traditional reading time!) before heading out to tube. Yesterday I went on the tube with each and every child…I guess that was our “special” time together, chatting while being pulled along. Today, I drove the boat while Rob had a turn.

After tubing, it’s more swimming time. Rob has been creating “missions” for the kids to complete: usually involve swimming out to the raft area – or kayaking, trying to make it across the moon walk, climbing up the saturn and then guessing a “secret combination” of sorts – all within a specific period of time. They love it!

After dinner, a little ping pong and badminton is on the agenda before a fire with s’mores and more marshmellows. Rob usually creeps the kids out with a ghost story before we go stare at the stars and do Starlight Starbright on the dock. Tonight we did a night boat ride and stopped in the middle of the lake while Rob told his scary ghost story. It was a huge hit.

When we got back, the kids told all the other kids at the cottage resort the story so everyone was getting creeped out! We lit sparklers tonight too and everyone wrote their name in the sky.

A very low key vacation – but nice to just be together.

Collecting our Children

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I am still reading “Hold On To Your Kids” by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate.

It is a not a quick read; I have been reading it for months. Not consistently however. I like to read a bit. Then think. Then read. Then think. Then see it in action. Re-think. Then re-read. Sometimes when I re-read I get something completely different out of the chapter.

This week we are up at the cottage and I have thought back to a chapter they wrote called “Collecting Our Children”.

In this chapter, the authors talk about “drawing our children under our wing, making them want to belong to us and with us”. We need to “collect” them – frequently; daily, even with every interaction. Draw them close to us, and then interact, share, discipline, and communicate.

The whole premise of this excellent book is how we, as parents, need to matter more than peers. They give some everyday suggestions about how to do this.

Some things that jumped out about “collecting our children” are the little rituals, and traditions that we create for our children and with our children. Special time with family is a way of attaching and a way of collecting to ensure a lasting bond.

The authors talk about making family vacations sacred; something only for your family. It is not the time to invite friends to be with you. If you do, your kids will end up hanging out with friends, and not you.

We were in Dominican Republic this past March break and overlapped with some friends of ours for the first few days. And it is exactly true. The kids hung out together and we, as adults all hung out and chatted too. It was a very fun vacation – but it was divided between a “friends” vacation and a “family” vacation. Nothing wrong with it – we had a blast – and it did serve a purpose. But it was very different to a full on “family” vacation.

I’ve watched this here at the cottage this week too. There are 4 other families that are up here; three of them are friends. Their kids are all friends and they are all spending time together. But you don’t really see the parents around that much as they don’t need to be. Their kids are busy with other kids.

It’s funny because our kids don’t seem that keen to hang out with these other kids. They have played a few games in the evenings, or in the water, but generally speaking, they want to hang out together and with us.

I’ve seen them like this before; I’ve always thought of them as being a little anti social. What is wrong with them? Are they insecure that they always want to hang around us? That they always need a sibling around with them? Is this some sort of strange separation anxiety that must be left over from the divorce? Don’t they need to learn how to interact with peers as well and aren’t they missing a great opportunity?

Thinking about “collecting our children”, I have now a different perspective. I’m happy they are acting a little bit anti social and wanting to just hang out with us. I’m happy that they have playmates in each other and are perfectly content to want to just be together.

I now see it as a plus: they are building security in our family. They are building lasting ties with each other – and with us. They are learning to interact with each other and problem solve and deal with conflict.

It’s not like my kids don’t get enough “social time”. They go to school and church. They attend camps in the summer and participate in extra curricular activities year round. They play street hockey in the backyard with neighborhood kids and soccer in the park. They have playdates, birthday parties, and sleepovers. They do get time to work on their “social” skills.

What they need is good, solid, protected family time: Family dinners, weekly family home evening, family reading time, family movie nights, family sleepovers, family soccer games, family scriptures and prayer time…and this week, family vacation time.

Time to collect my children.

Cottage 2011 – Day 1

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The past few summers we have taken a week off to rent a cottage.

The first year we rented a very basic, rustic cottage on a very large lake.

Last year we rented a very luxurious cottage on a very small lake.

This year we have rented a very basic, rustic cottage on a small lake – Clear Lake. It’s actually a group of cottages – almost like a cottage resort.

I think I’m a luxurious cottage kind-a-gal. The kids are always bugging us to go camping though – so I figure a rustic cottage is as close as I’ll ever get! (Although in Canadian Tire the other day I did stop and look at the 13 person tent they had for sale…but the moment passed…).

While the cottage is a little small, and a little rustic for my taste, it has some great water “stuff” that the kids are having a blast with.

We arrived yesterday and got unpacked and got our boat into the water. Then we all went for a swim and played on the water trampoline, moon walk, Saturn ball and iceberg to climb. The kids went kayaking and paddle boating too.

This morning everyone sort of hung out and slept in. We all read in the morning for “traditional cottage reading time” before heading out to swim. The kids also had a blast with the kayaks, paddle boats and we even went for a canoe ride. We also took the boat out and did some tubing – which was a hit (as always – especially with our new tube!).

The kids are also enjoying the “games room” with pool, ping pong and air hockey. We have even enjoyed playing a few games of badminton.

There are a bunch of other kids at this cottage resort so at night the kids enjoyed playing manhunt before having smores at the fire. The sky has been to cloudy to enjoy Starlight Starbright, but I hope tomorrow! It’s supposed to be a sunnier day so keeping my fingers crossed!

Quote of the week

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“The worst sin toward our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them: that’s the essence of inhumanity”. George Bernard Shaw.

I don’t think indifference gets as much bad press as it deserves.

We talk about hatred and all the bad things associated with it – these acts of commission are what really get people going and they can often hide behind the fact that they would never do that.

But what about acts of omission? Aren’t they just as bad? Sure, no one can call us on them. We can sit back and pretend that we are not in the wrong — but doing nothing is just as bad as doing the wrong thing.

I think indifference falls in the omission category. Ignoring a situation -or worse – ignoring a person – not giving it or them the proper care it or they deserve, not caring, not showing emotions, not feeling – will destroy any relationship.

I do tell my kids this all the time. The worst thing you can do is not care. If you fight, make up. If you are wrong, accept responsibility and apologize. Take ownership of your feelings and your behaviour. Accept apologies when they are put forth. Nurture your relationships.

The second indifference creeps in, you are on a very slippery slope. When you don’t care – or pretend not to, you are not motivated to act. Without action, you often let precious relationships slip away. Most relationships don’t end with a fight filled with rage and words screamed at each other. They end because a small connection is lost and never re-established, a word is left unsaid until there is nothing to say, a small rift becomes a huge gap, and then one person is no longer motivated to try at all and the ties are inevitably lost forever. Indifference has won.

Don’t let it sneak up on you. If you are taking the indfferent road, just be sure you know that that is an active road. There is no such thing as doing nothing.