Back together again

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We are finally back together!

Zach and Josh arrived last night with their Grandparents. They had a great time. (Sorry for the iphone pics)

Josh called me “Ama” (what they call their Grandmother) all the way home. It was quite funny. It was cute picking them up at the airport. When Josh first saw me, he started to run. Then I think he wanted to be cool, so slowed down. Then he started to walk very quickly and finally a little bit of a run into a big hug! Zach said he would have just run all the way but was lugging a big suitcase behind him!

When they got home, they excitedly gave us our gifts: I got a cool heart key chain with pink jewels all over it from Josh (he loves to give me the most girly gifts ever – the pinker the better too! I love it!), and Rob got a glass porcupine. Zach gave me this “Swinging lovers” (pendulum/sculture thing) and gave Rob a tennis racket keychain/watch. What was very sweet was it was the first time the boys have bought Rob something too – not just me. Shows how their world is coming together. It really feels like another turning point for us all. I was also touched that my gift from Zach was two people on a swing – and he said it was me and Rob on the swing. That too was a turning point, as previously he would have said it was me and him…. For us, it does represent an acceptance of our family on a much deeper level.

However, Grief paid Zach a visit last night as she always does after he has been away for an extended period with one parent. Ironically, whenever he spends a lot of time with one parent, he comes home and cries himself to sleep missing that parent. I used to think it was weird, and maybe was a bit insulted, thinking, “You just spent a whole week with your Dad – why are you crying about him? Didn’t you miss me”??? But now I get it: Grief consistently visits him at these times: he mourns the fact that he has to go without the daily contact with that particular parent again. He can never feel the joy of always having both. It is one or the other, and that makes him sad. He does it for both of us too (which makes it easy to not take it so personally). So, he cried himself to sleep.

This morning everyone was up really early quite excited to see each other. Don’t they look cute??

Zandra’s hair is exceptionally curly as we were trying out a style for back to school that involved sock curls and paper bag curls (sock curls were way better). She looked hilarious last night (I had to warn Zach and Josh when they got home that she looked like a crazy lady!).

We all went and played tennis after a big pancake/egg/bacon breakfast. The kids loved that our traditional “Sunday” breakfast (not every Sunday though)was on a Monday! All the kids are really coming along with their tennis. We told them that we would hold an annual CDF Tennis Tournament at a hotel (weekend away) every year, so they are all way motivated to improve!

In the afternoon we unpacked bags and the kids hung out watching the US Open and Soccer (two TV’s going). I made FHE (Monday night – Family Home Evening) treat: Carrot Cake with Cream Cheese icing – a little good luck going back to school cake:)

I also made some muffins for the school week and got dinner ready too (Taco Mac and Cheese – an unhealthy treat that the kids love – perfect for the night before back to school!).

We then played Monopoly. Man, that game can go on. I had to put it on “pause”….

After dinner, we had family night – and did a nice review of all the “stuff” that makes up our every day life: our home rules, our routine and schedules; we talked about goals (their summer goals and how they did) and the start of the school year. The boys then played some hockey outside while Zandra and I did some more sock curls:)

We also got back to family reading time and started “The Diary Of Young Girl (Anne Frank)”. The kids are really excited to read it.

Now everyone is tucked in (older kids reading) and waiting for the big day tomorrow….

It’s so nice to have everyone back again. Now we feel complete.

Let’s Talk Money

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Continuing on with my “Money series” designed primarily with advice for my kids as they get older (good, common sense advice that you better listen to guys!):

The easiest and most effective way to manage your money is the concept: “Pay Yourself First”.

In our faith, we have taught the kids that the first concept to understand about money is that what we have is a blessing given to us (of course hard work does play a role) and we must acknowledge that first and foremost. So, in our house the concept of tithing is the first step: 10% right off the bat. The rest is then “our own money”. Interesting in the book “The Automatic Millionaire” By David Bach, he talks about the concept of “tithing” as well, suggesting to set aside 10% of your income to contribute to a worthy charity. The idea of tithing helps put everything in perspective right from the get go.

But before we start breaking anything down from there and start “living within our means”, we set aside some savings money. This concept is what made the Wealthy Barber so famous: set aside 10% for savings – regardless of anyhing else. You won’t even miss the money if it is set aside from the get go.

When you get paid, you set the 10% aside as if it is not yours. Then you budget the rest. Even if you don’t choose to budget anything afterwards, you have already set aside 10% so you are a winner!

It’s best if it comes off your paycheque and you never see it. But if that is not a possibility, then get your bank to remove it as soon as you are paid. If that doesn’t work, then as soon as you get paid, manually move it yourself to another account. However, the concept behind the “Automatic Millionaire” is that if it is not automatic, it won’t happen. From personal experience, I know. You have to be seriously disciplined to move it over yourself. It will always feel like you don’t have enough. So, just having it done for you is often the only way to ensure it is going to get done.

We already do this with allowance money in our home: tithing, then a minimum of 10% for longer term savings (the savings that goes into the savings jar in our bank basket and then gets tranferred to the bank account at the end of the year). Then the kids divide their money again: save for something specific (if they have a specific item they are saving), or just putting it their wallet for future spending.

As adults, it is important to keep this up. Just do it. Many say they can’t afford to do this – but trust me, once you do it, you won’t miss it. You just learn to live on 10% less.

It’s easy to say you will do it as part of a budget, or if there is any money left over, but that often does not happen – so just do it up front. Make it automatic and watch it grow.

It will add up very quickly and you won’t regret it. Promise.

Yours, Mine, Ours

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I got a text the other day from one of my BFF’s who mentioned that she was impressed with the fact that while my boys were away I was taking the time to hang out with my skids.

She thought the tendency would have been for me to think “my children are not around so I can use this time to do things for myself, catch up with friends, or just let Rob hang out with his own kids”.

I think she is right. That is the tendency of a lot of step parents. It’s just not the dynamic that Rob and I chose to create early on in our relationship and blending of families.

When we met, we were lucky that our children were all relatively little. Here’s the first picture ever taken of the gang: January 2008 on New Year’s Day.

This was our first “Family Picture” taken in Kingston a few months later.

I say we were lucky that they were little because I think the approach we decided would be the best for our family was possible in part because our kids were little. Dealing with tweens or teens would have been a whole different ball game.

When we decided to get married, there was a lot of chaos and commotion in our lives. It was not easy to figure out how to transition the lives of 5 children, never mind plan a wedding, sell two houses, buy one together and think about what our married life would be like.

It was all sunshine and lollipops at first. We had a great wedding. They look so small! (Unfortunately I don’t have a ton of our wedding pics that I can download onto my computer – but we did get some amazing ones from the professional photographer that grace my walls all over our house!) These are a few snaps:

But after we all moved in together, we saw all the challenges that we were going to be faced with. We decided to be a little proactive and seek some “expert” advice from a professional counsellor. She was supposed to be experienced in divorce and remarriage and blending families.

We visited with her for a few sessions bringing up some of the challenges we were facing. While she seemed knowledgeable, much of what she said didn’t sit well with either of us. Everything she wanted us to do seemed to point us in the direction of “two families”, “you deal with yours, I’ll deal with mine”. I just couldn’t imagine a life with two families living side by side. I needed and craved unity. I felt like our children needed it too.

We canned the therapist, and I decided to do what I do best: read and research. I bought a ton of books about step parents, step parenting, step families, blending families etc. and read them all. Most pointed us in the “two team direction” too. But I was not satisfied: Why could we not be one team, while still respecting the fact that biologically we have different ties?

Rob and I talked about it an awful lot. Luckily, we were both on the same page. We decided the heck with it, we were doing what felt right to us and for our family. We weren’t going to be two teams in one house. We would be
co-captains and be responsible for raising our team together when they were all under our roof. We knew that when they left our playing field they might have other rules to play by, but while they were with us, they were on an equal playing field. We chose this and never looked back.

Later, I came across one book called: “Understanding StepMothers” by Elizabeth Church. It was in that book that I found a little bit of peace and support for our decision. The book looks at StepMothers and the intricate relationships they can develop – or not develop with their Stepkids (or skids as I call them:)) The author reviews the different “kinds” of Step Mothers out there; a few examples: those who force the kids to treat them like their biological mother (they must call her Mom), those who treat their biological kids one way and their step kids another way (view themselves as two families living under one roof), those who just view their step kids as their spouse’s kids (they are primarily a couple, but then have the kids around too at different times), those who completely opt out of any role (I’m around when it’s just us or my kids are here, but I’m outta here when your kids are around), and those who view their skids as just an extension of their own family.

They researched these StepMom’s (or Smom’s as we call it around here) and found that the happiest connections were the ones where the Smom embraced the extended family viewpoint: You have your own Mom, but I can still be an important and special person/caregiver in your life; you now have more siblings, grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles, friends and extended family around you to love you. The relationship between the step parent and the skids is independent of the biological parent, and a very deep bond can grow between them.

I felt good when I read this section of the book. It reaffirmed what we were feeling: we were a big extended family. We have always talked with the kids of the importance of their biological parents: it is a very special bond; no one can take their place. However, there is room for more special bonds, one with a step parent too. I am not your Mom, but I can be your Smom.

We have only experienced the stereotypical, “I don’t have to listen to you because you are not my parent” backlash once from a couple of the kids. And I highlight the word once. Because our response is always consistent: “I know I’m not your mother/father, but in this house I am the parent and a partner to your biological parent”. I have said to my skids in many discussions that if they want me to be take the “mother role” in the home when they are here, then they need to take all the things that go along with having a “mother role” (which means I will get mad at them too:)). It also means that we need to have a mutual respect of our relationship and nurture it and build memories to create that special bond that will be so rewarding and fulfilling to us all.

So while when we got married we had “Yours”:

And “Mine”:

And we have created “Ours”.

And that is what it is: this is our family, our kids. We are partners and so we parent them together when they are with us. Yes, it gets very complicated I have to admit, but as time goes on, we are so happy that we made the choice to only live with one team.

So, when “my boys” are away, I don’t feel that I have freedom – like I have no responsibility because my kids aren’t here. All I feel is that part of my family is missing and I can’t wait to get them all back together again.

We have become the CDF’s. Three last names, but one family.

Hair Day and Date Night

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Zandra and I decided to have “hair day” today.

We had been watching some hair tutorials last week and decided we needed to set aside some girl time to figure some new do’s out. Her hair is getting longer again and so we can try some new stuff.

We set up shop in her room. Sam was itching to be in the room with us. He secretly wanted his hair done too. I stuck a little clip in and he disappeared for a while (and hung out just outside the door).

Here are some of our poses with our do’s (note: we are not professionals – but will get better the more hair days we do:)

After all the hair do’s, Zandra got ready for date night with her Dad!

Doesn’t she look amazing??

They went on the Danforth for Greek food. Zandra always choose Greek for her date nights! They had a great date:)

Phone calls

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Zach and Josh have been calling me every night from Florida.

They fill me in on their day – Zach usually with tons of details, Josh a little less – but getting better as the days go on (maybe because he really misses me?!). They are having a great time with Ama and Grandad.

Last night Zach said to me:

“I am going to do what no kid has ever done before”.

My mind started racing: What? Will he set a new world record? Will he do something stupid? Will what he does make us millionaires?!?

He continued, “I am going to ask to speak to the other parent. Can you please pass me to Rob”.

I laughed. I was actually surprised too. But very happy.

When I shared the story with everyone else, my skids reminded me that they had asked to speak with me before. However, never on vacation, and they have to pretend it’s not me they are talking to (I know what you’re all thinking – why does she hate me so much? You’d think that I had stolen her husband from her or something which couldn’t have been further from the truth!).

Anyhow, it was actually a big move for Zach.

Zach and Josh have always been strangely distant to anyone except for their Dad and me. Even their grandparents find it weird that they really don’t like to hug or be affectionate.

With me, they are very affectionate. But with everyone else, not so much. They have gotten way better with Rob but this really was a step for Zach. Asking to speak with Rob while on vacation with “the other side” was big.

So big, I thought worthy of recording:)

Grief Visits

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When I was going through my divorce I did a lot of reading. One of my best girlfriends was also going through a divorce, so we would trade books, talk about the books, suggest reading different books. It was a great support.

My friend had no kids however,so while we shared much of the same pain, I felt very alone as a Single Mother.

I found a book called “The Courage to be A Single Mother; Becoming Whole Again After Divorce” by Sheila Ellison. It was a great, inspirational read. Just what I needed. I have since passed this book along to another courageous Single Mom in need of inspiration and support.

There was one section in the book that always stayed with me. I actaully wish I still had the book, because I know I would still refer to this section.

It was about Grief.

We often associate grieving with death. But believe you me, there’s a reason why “divorce” is right along “death of a spouse” in the level of stress measures. There’s a ton of grieving that goes with divorce. Except it is supposed to be a silent grieving because divorce sort of implies you had choice and so you shouldn’t be able to grieve over something you chose (which by the way – I seriously beg to differ about the choice thing).

The author writes (at least this was my interpretation and recollection of what she writes) how she was always amazed at how Grief would just come out of no where and take over. She always tried to deny it’s existence, fight it, ignore it, get mad at it, but it still came. She likened it to an old friend knocking at the door on a random morning and insisting to come in for a cup of coffee. She tried ignoring the knock, hiding, running away but Grief would never leave. So finally she realized, she needed to let Grief in whenever she knocked, and invite her in for a cup of coffee. She wasn’t always staying long anyways, so she might as well get it over with.

I loved these words: it was exactly how I felt. And it was a relief to hear someone say “It’s ok to let Grief in”.

Well, last night as I was brushing my teeth before bed, I heard the familiar knocking that I hadn’t heard in a while. But it was a persistant knocking and it took me by surprise. Grief hadn’t visited in a long while. But there she was – with two Refresh Teas from Starbucks (I don’t drink coffee).

I politely told her I was tired and wanted to sleep, but she wasn’t going anywhere. I told her I was feeling fine: I loved my life, I was truly blessed.

She just nodded.

I insisted that my life was too good to complain about anything; that other people had crosses to bear far heavier than mine; that I was a lucky girl. I assured her I saw real tragedy and dealt with real loss on a daily basis when I worked with my clients. My issues were pale in comparison.

She smiled.

I realized she was not leaving, so I just let go and peeled away to the layer of all the grief surrounding my divorced life:

It has been 12 days since I have seen my boys and I miss them. Had I not
been divorced, this woudn’t happen.

I am fed up with working so much when all I really wanted was to stay home and raise my kids (ok – with some part time work too – but not the amount I work). Again, I took 2 years off to be with them when they were little and just when I was arranging my “part time hours”, BAM. Divorce. Need to keep working. Actually, need to work even more.

I’m tired of never having complete control of what WE want to do. Sign the kids up for an activity? Need to check first. Book a weekend away? Not our weekend. Book a vacation? Need to wait until it is our turn to choose first.

I’m tired of dealing with the “bitter ex wife” that my husband has. Every activity where the children participate is overshadowed by the dark cloud. The kids are constantly torn: “Sorry we didn’t sit with you; Mom would be mad”. I’m tired of her scowl at our front door, her money grabbing hands, and the lack of consistency that throws the children for a loop.

I’m sick of the legal system that is set up for the “Dead Beat at Fault Dads” not the fully involved, primary role kind of Dad Rob is. I’m tired of Rob’s reward for working so hard to be handing money over to an ungrateful and falsely entitled side. That his ambition is quickly overshadowed by the cash he would have to hand over to the undeserving.

I’m done with always finding an alternate day to celebrate holidays. For waking up with half-my-famiy-every-second-year Christmas mornings; Chistmas dinners 3 weeks ahead; Thanksgiving dinners late at night after the kids have already had turkey; split day birthdays; half family celebrations for Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. It sucks.

I’m tired of having to defend the fact that we are a “real family” even though we aren’t all blood.

I’m so very sad that after surgeries, IVF attempts and thousands of dollars we will never have a baby together. Yet everyone around us is having babies.

I’m sad that my boys sometimes cry for their Dad at night or are sometimes too tired to call me to say good night when they are at their Dad’s.

I’m sad that my step kids have to beg to be allowed to stay at our house before school instead of being sent to the sitter’s around the corner on their Mom’s days.

I’m mad that I had to do so much parenting on my own when my kids were young and do not have someone to share the memories of those “moments” with.

I’m annoyed when I have to remind the kids that they need to change their behaviour when they come back home because we do it differently here. “Welcome to our home – have you been here before?” are the words that often cross my lips when I have to remind them for the hundredth time how we act in our house.

So, I let it all out. Then Grief wanted to come to bed with me.

I made Rob move over and make room for her (he’s a great sport at sharing the bed with her – and her only I might add:)

This morning I woke up and looked over to where she had slept. The bed was empty, but the sheets were still warm. I breathed a sigh of relief. She was gone.

Rob leaned over and kissed me good morning and asked if I wanted some Starbuck’s Refresh tea. Funny guy.

I put my rose coloured glasses back on so I could see clearly and made my way to the bathroom.

I am a lucky girl.

Pep Texts

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I have ranted before about “busy people” (here).

I’m not a big fan of anyone using the “We were busy excuse” (some exceptions do apply). However, even if you are too busy, technology has made it very easy to stay connected and there really is just no excuse anymore.

Now I know a lot of people are not big fans of “communicating via technology”. That for some things it is inappropriate to communicate via email, text or voicemail. And I generally agree (but it really depends on how close you are to someone, what the news is that you are sharing etc…).

However, what is worse is no response. People who often say it is “inappropriate” are the same people who give no response anyways. I think it’s a cover for being indifferent or just plain old too into their own world. So the whole “technology is too impersonal” doesn’t really fly if you don’t make the personal effort anyway.

Where technology does come in very handy is for the people in the world who are
 really busy. Texting, while often criticized, I think it is awesome.

It is a great way to just ask a quick question, or let someone know a small detail.

It is a great way to tell someone you are thinking of them.

Most importantly it is a great way to give someone a little boost or pep talk that you may not have “time” for.

I got a pep text today and it felt great. I was feeling a little sad about something, and sent out a quick text to my amazing girlfriend and instantaneously got a pep text back. A “you-go-girl-feel-good-woot-woot” text. It made me feel so much better.

Did it take her long to read my text and respond? No. Maybe 30 seconds. Was the topic I was bringing up a really sensitive, important one that most people would say was not “appropriate for texting”? You betcha. But I didn’t have time and she didn’t have time for that “personal connection”. Will we come back to the topic at a later time – very likely. But a few key words were enough to get me going again.

And those few key words that some people call “impersonal” help keep us closer together. A pep text helps you get the boost when you need it and not when everyone is “unbusy” and you finally get to talk in person.

So – no excuses busy people! A pep text is all it takes!

Parent/Child Dates

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Something we started when we first got “blending” was parent/child “dates”.

We decided that it was important, especially as we were transitioning everyone that it needed to be a top priority to have individual time with each child: biological and step.

We did some lunch dates, ice cream dates, dinner dates, activity dates etc.

Over the past year, the “formality” of these dates somehow tapered off a bit. While we do things individually with each child, we weren’t labelling them “dates”: I’d take Zandra to get her nails done, go biking with Zach, kick the ball with Josh, or Rob would take Gabe on an errand, or pick Sam up from school and spend the afternoon with him. Even though we were getting some good one on one time in, the kids mentioned a few weeks ago that we hadn’t had “real dates”. And they were demanding that they be reinstated.

Although I defensively said that we do individual stuff with each of them, as they talked (read: complained), I realized we had taken away some of the best parts of the date idea: The anticipation of the event. The planning: where should we go? And of course, bragging rights: “I am going here today. I really am the favorite child”!

So we have started it up again. Two weeks ago, I had Sushi with Zach and Italian with Josh. Rob had burgers with Zach and Indian with Josh. There was lots of discussion about where to go with each one and they finally carefully chose the spots. Then we each had great dates!

This week, although Zach and Josh are still away, we have the regular schedule with Gabe, Zandra and Sam. We have managed to have a couple of dates in the recent past with them, so this week the ones we have to catch up on are: me with Gabe and Rob with Zandra. Looking forward to it! Gabe and I are heading out tonight to a new burger place he was dying to try. Doesn’t need to be fancy – just needs to be his choice!

Then, I will try to be more vigilant in keeping up with this tradition as I see now how the kids really do look forward to it!

Quote of a Lifetime!

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So on a week when I am “skipping” quote of the week, I just came across one that I love that my friend posted on Facebook and had to include it:

“When we have sampled much and have wandered far and have seen how fleeting and sometimes superficial a lot of the world is, our gratitude grows for the privilege of being part of something we can count on–home and family and the loyalty of loved ones. We come to know what it means to be bound together by duty, by respect, by belonging. We learn that nothing can fully take the place of the blessed relationship of family life.” – Thomas S. Monson

I love my family. A lot. XOXOXO

Quote of the week

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I haven’t forgotten about my quote of the week… it’s just that our schedule has been so erratic, we haven’t really had a chance to discuss my last one on “Indifference” as a family. That is such an important one to me, so I don’t want to skip it.

So here’s a “filler” quote – to tide us over until we disuss the old one on the kitchen bulletin board and replace it with a new one…. Next week school is back so we will get back to our usual school-routine-insanity!

Here’s one of my favorite quotes that sums up why I love to journal, blog, take pictures and make albums for my kids:

“The palest ink is better than the sharpest memory”.

My memory is pretty good – but it is amazing what you forget if you don’t write it down!