Summer Goals

Posted on by
Reply

At the end of the school year, we sat down with the kids and helped them come up with some summer goals for themselves.

Their lives are pretty crazy in the summer, running back and forth between houses. Then they have various activities and camps that they attend. Then vacation time with both of their families. Despite the chaos, change and overall inconsistencies between houses, we are trying to instill in them the idea that it is “their own life” and they need to develop “who they are as people” regardless of their environment.

It is certainly easier for Zach and Josh as their Dad and I (with Rob included) are able to get on the same page when it comes to parenting stuff and what we want for the boys. It is a little harder for the kids (Gabe, Zandra and Sam), but we are trying to teach them integrity, honesty, responsibility etc. to help guide them wherever they are.

That was the idea of summer goals: things the children can be working on independently in the summer, with our help and support when needed or wanted. They had a lot of fun making these goals and came up with a few in several different categories: physical, mental and spiritual. We had to help guide them with making realistic goals – but they are trying to work on them (albeit with a little encouragement on a weekly basis during family night). We’ll see what the end result will be – but I think it’s important to always have a direction to be heading in. I’m a big fan of goals and planning.

Which got me to thinking about my own “Summer Goals”. One of them was to get into a good routine of blogging…which I am trying to do and enjoying very much. I always have my standard goals: read more, eat better, exercise more, get more sleep, learn a new sport…blah blah blah. Certainly all things that are still on my radar – but they are always on my radar.

However, life is so busy and sometimes my goals seem to slip by the wayside. So I decided I better do something shorter term and came up with my “Summer Goals while I am on Vacation”. These seem less daunting as they are only for 1 week in July and 1 week in August. That, I can commit to.

We leave this coming Saturday for a “Road trip” to the Outer Banks, NC. I am SUPER excited about this trip. It was a dream of mine: to rent a beach house and spend the days frolicking in the waves with my hubby and kidlets; then sit in a hammock and read before enjoying the sunset with everyone oohing and aahing while we polished off some fresh steamed lobsters and shrimp…. Well, we rented the beach house and we’ll have to see what happens after that!

I decided that I could make a few goals focused on making that dream a reality (or at least make the vacation fun, relaxing and memorable!):

1. Say “Yes”…I spend so much time saying “No” or avoiding saying “No” outright, but coming up with a dialogue that would lead the kids to saying “No” themselves. Well, on vacation, I want to limit saying “no” and say “Yes” more often. Obviously, I still have to say “No” for things that are clearly unsafe…but I don’t have to say “No” to extra snacks, one more story, an extra hour to stay up, or things that I sometimes don’t have the time or energy to do at home. If it’s not dangerous (or insanely unhealthy or going to make them sick:) – I want to say yes. Yes, I’ll come swimming, yes I’ll play cards, yes we can go for an early morning swim, yes we can go to the beach at night and play flashlight tag, yes (Josh) one more dessert…yes yes yes.

2. Spend one on one time with each child. This one is usually not so hard to do as we try to do it often even at home… but it is extra special on vacation so I want to make sure it is a priority.

3. Find the positives and vocalize them! What is it – 5 compliments for every “constructive criticism” that we’re supposed to do? I may think “positives”, but I admit, I don’t always say them. So I want to look for the good so I can share them with my kids and make them feel really good. I also want to do the same thing with Rob. I think nice things all the time…but don’t always say them.

4. Spend some quality alone time with Rob. Going on vacation with 5 kids in tow does not necessarily make for a romantic vacation. But that alone time is also my sanity time! So it’s a priority to make the time for just us.

5. Read – every day. I never have enough time to read and everytime I do find the time I think how I need to make more time to read in general. When we vacation without the kids, I usually can get in a couple of really good books. But, it’s harder when the kids are around. Harder, but not impossible. Apparently we have a lovely hammock on one of the balconies overlooking the ocean….

6. Eat fish or seafood every day. Seems like the thing to do when you’re hanging by the ocean….

7. Creat more movies of my kids. I look back at them when they were so small and marvel that they were every once like that. As they have gotten older, I have gotten lazier with the videos. I need to remind myself that in a few years THESE years are going to be the ones that I am marveling at and missing. So I need to capture these memories live now!!

Of course, I may not be able to achieve all these goals, but the mere fact of having goals makes everything I do a bit more deliberate. And that is my overall goal: to be a bit more deliberate in everything I do: A more deliberate mother, a more deliberate wife, a more deliberate friend, a more deliberate person overall.

We leave on Saturday, and I still have to squeeze in 16 work appointments this week, kids’ activities, countless loads of laundry and 2 more nights of overnight guests before I go. I think I need a deliberate plan to get me going on the packing….

Proud Mama

Posted on by
Reply

The boys (we refer to Zach and Josh as “the boys” and Gabe, Zandra and Sam as “the kids”…although we think of them as all our children, it just makes it easier to distinguish the two when they need to be distinguished e.g. stuff going on in their “other lives”. We like it better than “your kids” or “my kids”)went to tennis camp this week.

The kids, were with their Mom on “her” camp week. Every year each side gets to pick 2 vacation weeks and one camp week and the remainder of the summer goes by the usual schedule. Gabe and Sam went to a half day tennis camp and Zandra went to a musical theatre camp.

Rob being a passionate tennis player back in the day (and still is at heart – just time has been limiting over the past years) wanted all the kids to learn tennis (and hopefully we would become this crazy tennis passionate family). He researched the camps and found an awesome tennis camp nearby. It was close to us in a beautiful location, had a great tennis program, served lunch (so I don’t have to make it:), has other activities including swimming, and the best part, according to the boys is that you get to “buy” snacks! I had given them some money up front to last them for the week. Then their Dad gave them a bit more. They had $13 to spend for the whole week. Josh spent 7.00 on day one. I stongly suggested how much he should spend daily – and he was able to stick to that for the remainder of the week. Zach asked what happened if he didn’t spend it all and when I told him it was his to keep, he started rationing what he spent every day to make sure he had some money leftover! Quite reflective of their personalities!

On Friday afternoon was Parent demo day; where we get to go and see how they are doing. Rob and I spent most of the afternoon watching and seeing how they had progressed. I had talked to the counsellors during the week who indicated the boys were doing well, helping out, behaving well, participating. No one mentioned the ball that Josh smashed over the fence, through the forest next to the courts, landing in the busy road, causing an accident….so we were all good.

A few action shots:

At the end of the parent demo, they (meaning the camp director) did a little speech about who they were, their philosphy, values, and other standard stuff. Then they presented two awards (actually 4 – 2 for the “younger kids” Josh’s group, and one for the “older kids” Zach’s group). These awards went to “Camper of the Week” – someone who had demonstrated a great attitude, been helpful, worked hard, and did an overall excellent job this week. They called out Zach’s name!

I wish I had the camera to capture the look on his face…but my heart took a picture. It was a mixture of shock, disbelief, then amazement, pride and happiness. He jumped up and proudly looked over at me (pretty much the only time he glanced my way all day since he is going through the stage of being too cool for acknowledging parents!). He got his gift of a bag filled with tennis camp stuff. He told me he was so surprised as he never has gotten anything like this! He was so happy – and I was so happy for him.

It took me back to years ago when I was about 10. I swam on swim team and had gone to the banquet at the end of the year. They started the award ceremony and awarded all the best swimmers. Then I heard my coach (Mark – I still remember his name) talking about a girl who had made the most progress in the summer. He said “This girl went to 1 week of camp at the beginning of the summer and I don’t know what happened, they must have taught her to swim or something”. Then they announced my name as the most improved swimmer and gave me an award. I was stunned. I had never received any award ever, and was shocked, amazed and thrilled. So thrilled, that I still remember that moment with such clarity to this very day!It really boosted my confidence in swimming, and just in general as well. I needed that and it was a top moment in my childhood.

Such a simple thing to be acknowledged every so often in a public way, but it can be life changing. Seeing the joy on Zach’s face reminded me how important it is to let our kids (or anyone who is important to us) know when they do a good job, to recognize accomplishments and effort, and to honour them in a public way. It can make all the differenc in someone’s world.

Way to go Zach!

Manners = Consideration and Gratitude

Posted on by
Reply

We spend a lot of time with our kids talking about manners over here.

Rob is known at the dinner table as being the “Manner’s Police”. Not that we don’t laugh and have a good time, and sometimes get a little carried away and are too silly…but he wants the kids to have good manners. He thinks it is important, and says a lot about character and respect. So, in our house the expectations are that napkins are put on your knee. No one starts eating until everyone is served. Guests are always served and taken care of first. No one asks for seconds until everyone has had their first. No one gets up from the table until everyone is finished and they ask to be excused. No one takes the “last” of something before seeing if someone else would like it as well. Everyone clears their plates. Everyone says thank you for dinner. No TV. No telephone. No texting. No hats at the table and you must come wearing a shirt (with 4 boys – we had to add that one!). We try for this to be the norm an often fall short – but we are trying….

Then of course the obvious (which ironically these are the ones we struggle with!): don’t talk with your mouth full, don’t shove the entire meal into your mouth at one time, no spitting, no feet on the table, no standing, no yelling and screaming, no climbing under the table etc). But I seriously doubt those will be issues when they are older…so I’m not too concerned.

I think some people think we are a little too strict about manners though. They are kids after all…give them a break. Now I agree that at some stages kids are just too young to enforce certain “rules”. But there are appropriate rules or manners that you can teach at all stages – or at least try to teach. And if you don’t start teaching them – who is going to?

Teaching manners I think teaches your kids to be thoughtful of the people around them. It’s not all about them. It’s not all about ME getting MY food and making sure I get the most and leave someone else to clean it up. It helps them be more aware of what others do for them. It helps them be more considerate. It helps them show gratitude for what they have been given.

I bring this up because I have been thinking about it a lot recently and how what I teach my kids about manners in general now affects the kind of adults they will becomein the future. I visit many people’s homes every day (work and social). I have many people in my home. I have stayed overnight for weekends (or longer) as a guest. I have had guests stay in my house. And I have seen some wonderful examples of gracious hosts and guests. And some serious examples of how not to be. Which makes me think of my own behaviour when I am a guest – or when I am hosting. Am I appreciative enough? Do I do my share? Do I offer enough help? Am I mindful of their needs and not just my own? Sometimes I know I fall short, so it is something I want to constantly be improving and and then teach my kids not only by my words, but by my example.

But it really gets me thinking how important it is to teach your kids these manners. I want my kids to grow up to be considerate and grateful. I don’t want them to be entitled or lazy. I want them to be thinking of others before thinking of themselves. I want them to be considerate of other people’s time and feelings. I want them to be overgrateful for everything they have been given!

I want them to know that it is not ok to make someone wait for you for 30 minutes without explanation or apology. That you need to hold the door for someone. That you offer to go in the back seat instead of the front. That the toilet seat should be put down and if you miss when you aim – wipe it up. That you offer to clear the plates and do the dishes after someone cooks for you. That you respond to emails and voicemails within a reasonable amount of time (being busy is not an excuse for being just plain rude). That you always ask “Can I do something”? That you automatically go out and help unload the car with groceries when someone comes home with them. That you give up your seat on the bus for an older person, or a pregnant person, or anyone who just looks plain tired. That you call someone with important news rather than text it impersonally. That please and thank you can never be over used (except you should not be saying please and thank you in the same breath as that is just rude!). That you say “Good morning” to people in your house. That you look people in the eyes when speaking. That you replace the toilet roll when it is finished. That you don’t put an empty juice bottle or milk container back in the fridge. You rinse away your toothpaste leftovers from the sink after you brush your teeth. You use your turn signals when turning.

I could go on and on…but you get the point. I want my kids to know this stuff (so if you are reading it kids – take note). It is my job as their parent to not only teach them and set the expectations, but to also be the example. I want them to be considerate and grateful and I think it starts with simple manners.

For now, I think as annoying as I am now reminding them to do (or not do) all those things, it will pay off for them in the future. No one can ever take away your manners.

Quote of the week

Posted on by
Reply

A little late this week but we are all on the crazy summer schedule…

“The smallest deed is larger than the greatest intention”.

How many times do we hear how someone was going to do something, thought about it, but just never got around to it (maybe they were too busy)? Intentions really mean nothing unless they are followed up by an action!

I really don’t want to hear what you meant to do – just do it or save your breath:)

Happy Double Digits Zach

Posted on by
Reply

I can’t believe that Zach has reached the double digits.

10.

Where does time go?

One of my closest friends had a baby boy on the 11th and I visited her yesterday and it brought back a flood of memories to when Zach was born. Everything seems to be in slow motion for a while; every cry, diaper change, sleepless night, every tiny milestone. It feels like the moment will never end.

And then you blink. And they are 10. I imagine next time I will blink, he will be a full fledge teenager. Then adult.

“The days are long but the years are short”. So true.

At any rate, as much as I look nostalgically back to the day he was born and the million other tender (and challenging) moments in between, I am pretty happy to be the Mom of this kid.

For his birthday, he had a soccer game and a sleepover with a few buddies. I made his favorite – my traditional ice cream birthday cake for him – this time with mint chocolate chip icecream and chocolate aero balls covering it, writing out the number ten. On his real birthday, we had his favorite, sushi.

10 reasons why I love Zach:) (he signs his name with a smiley face – that says a lot about him as a person:))

1. He is so enthusiastic about life
2. He has a very sensitive and tender side
3. He will always stand up for injustice (even if it’s not unjust in my opinion!)
4. He is curious and loves to ask questions – which leads him to love to travel!
5. He is not afraid to try new things (even getting better with food!)
6. He is super duper responsible
7. He has a huge amount of integrity
8. He is a well balanced guy: loves sports, art, music. He participates in every activity he can
9. He puts in the effort and gives things his all
10. He is a serious talker:)and makes us laugh with all his detailed stories

There are of course, a million more things we love. We love you Zach and are so happy that you are in our family!

Love Mom and Rob

Quote of the Week

Posted on by
Reply

If you are irritated by every rub, how will you ever be polished?

I thought this was a really cute way of saying that life is not easy and it is often the hard knocks of life that build our character and make us into the person we were destined to become.

Happy Birthday Sam

Posted on by
Reply

July is a busy month for birthdays!

Today is Sam’s 6th Birthday! Happy Birthday Sammie-Bear, Skato-Potatoe with your dog Finnigan!

After spending the day with his Mom, Sam came back to celebrate with steak, poutine and a rainbow cake!

What do we love about Sam? Just about everything – but I’ll list just 6, since it is his 6th birthday:

1. He is smart as a whip
2. He is fast – in everything he does
3. He is a happy guy: laughing, smiling, generally happy. He has a great sense of humour!
4. He is so coordinated and very sporty
5. He gets really cute when he sees dark skies and thinks there is any chance of thunder
6. He uses his hands when he talks and is so expressive: facial expressions, body language, gestures, tone of voice, grown up words

So cute! We love you so much Sam! Happy 6th Birthday!

Lots of love,

Smom and Dad

Happy Birthday Gabe

Posted on by
Reply

Gabe turns 13 today!

I can’t believe we have an official teenager on our hands!

Gabe spent the day at his Mom’s and then came back over to us for dinner.

Gabe requested his favorite meal (our birthday tradition is for the birthday person to choose whatever they want for dinner): Rib pasta (that’s our name for a sauce that I make from a recipe form Zach and Josh’s Italian great grandmother – it has meatballs and ribs in it – so we call it rib pasta), bruschetta and snickers cake. We bought the cake this year as he wanted one with snickers bars – and I think they did a better job then the one I was trying to create!).

So the 13 things we love about Gabe:

1. He has an amazing, infectious smile
2. He does great impersonations
3. He is a techie wiz
4. He can talk to anybody – including strangers – and make them feel good
5. He loves to learn new things and asks great questions
6. He is sensitive and picks up on people’s needs
7. He is very loving and affectionate
8. He loves to explain things to others (and shares his knowledge with his siblings)
9.He loves cars just like his dad
10. He likes a certain routine and sameness – as that still gives him comfort (e.g. same bedtime routine). He can be superstitious too(like not changing his socks?!? Can’t say I really LOVE that though…)
11. He is growing up – but can still play like a little kid!
12. He tries to be a good peace keeper and help resolve conflict (he will often help negotiate fights at home or in the school yard).
13. He is very very funny and makes us all laugh!

These are a few things that stand out, but there are many many more! We love you Gabe and hope you have a great year (and are kind to us in the teen years)!

Love,
Smom and Dad
xoxo

The Amazing Race

Posted on by
1

Happy Canada Day!

Today was also the day we chose to celebrate our anniversary. Our kiddos were all with their other parent(s) this weekend, so we had some time to ourselves. On our real anniversary (the 27th) we had work, school, soccer etc. so we decided to wait until we had some time to really spend with each other.

We have a bit of an unspoken (actually, it is a very spoken rule) that we really don’t spend money on gifts for each other. We love to travel, so most of our “gifts” come in the form of travelling with each other. So, we often make each other things. I’m especially lucky because Rob is super duper talented in creativity and art.

This year was no different. No gifts.

To also preface this story, I need to give some background on our wedding. I did give a bit of a background in a previous post about our wedding and how it came to pass. Some additional info that helps this story along is the fact that there was A LOT going on in our lives when we did decide to get married. We had a very romantic courtship, and knew we were meant for each other and knew we wanted to be married. But we also had 5 kids to try to bring together happily, two houses to sell (and deal with all the “stuff” in them both), one house to buy (big enough for everyone, in a good neighborhood, within the restrictions of separation agreements), deal with changing schools, and deal with all the obstacles and barriers that were put in our way due to circumstances surrounding divorces in both our lives…. Most people also aren’t “receptive” to second marriages either (something along the lines of they aren’t very important) – so I have to say with the exception of a few family members and very close friends, we had a pretty “indifferent” reception about getting married. All this to say, getting engaged with a sappy engagement story, buying rings, and planning a lavish wedding fell low on our priority list.

We had a beautiful wedding in Sweden, then had a beautiful ring ceremony and family ceremony and reception in Montreal, and a wonderful family honeymoon in Jamaica. But everything was quite simple.

So, on this, our 3rd Anniversary, I guess Rob decided to fill in some blanks of things that fell by the wayside….

I woke up this morning feeling particularly groggy. Normally I am up and raring to go (ok, sometimes I’m raring), and I was planning on going for a run. But Rob was up first and I felt like I hadn’t slept all night, so I slept in a bit. He came in a few minutes later and he had showered and told me he was going to the bank (that in itself is weird – we only go to the bank for very specific reasons – we are both forever cashless!). I mumbled ok, and he left. I figured I might as well get up then since I knew he was already to get our day started as soon as he got back…

I made my way to the bathroom and with my very blurry eyes (I’m completely blind without contacts) and squinted and saw this:

I opened it up and read the clue, and admired my husband’s amazing artistic talent (a picture of me and Andrea (bridesmaid) at our wedding), and knew he was sending me to her house. Apparently, I was on the Amazing Race (one of my favorite shows)!

I quickly got ready and set off to go.

In Andrea’s mailbox, I found this:

This note, directed me to a spot that was quite meaningful to us early on in our relationship: a bench where we had taken a break after a long bike ride and shared some stories about my Dad, and his brother, who had both passed away.

I arrived at the bench to a older woman smiling and staring at me.
I think she was quite amused!

Taped under the bench was another clue directing me to the bakery/cafe where we had our first date! I was to ask for Andrew to get my next clue.

I stood in line and ordered a brioche as requested, and got my final clue. Andrew was a true sport and stretched out his arms to give me the clue the same way they do in the Amazing Race! They were all laughing and smiling and wished me luck.

The final clue had no hints, just a picture, but I knew exactly where it was: our favorite picnic spot on Cherry Beach.

When I arrived, I saw Rob in the distance, standing at the “Pit Stop”.

He hurried me in to check in as the 1st place winner! Then he got down on his knee, held out a little silver bell shaped box and told me a whole bunch of stuff including how he didn’t quite do it the way he wanted a few years ago, so wanted to do it now, and asked me to marry him all over again…then he gave me this:

I was shocked, surprised, tearful, happy and loved every minute of it. What an incredible anniversary gift and experience!

We then had a little picnic and enjoyed the rest of the beautiful day out on our boat – where we read, ate and napped.

It as an amazing day. With an amazing man. (And I got to do the Amazing Race!!!).

Heading into Unknown Territory

Posted on by
Reply

School is finally out! It finished officially yesterday, so we are slowly moving into summer mode.

I do love summer – even though I work and technically, it is no different than any other time of year for me! But the kids have fun at camps, we do take time off, and the evenings are longer and we have more time to just be together with no homework to worry about!

But before summer came along, we had a couple of tough issues to deal with around here. Gabe is turning 13 next week and I suppose there will be a sharp learning curve as he becomes a teenager and all the others follow closely behind. Now we enter another unknown territory. These past two weeks we have had to deal with some pretty big issues, which really relate to core values of honesty, trust, freedom and responsibility.

One thing that is particularly challenging in a blended family is having to deal (or not deal) with the other biological parent. Now I know that even in nuclear families two parents may disagree on a tactic or strategy or consequence, but it really is a challenge when there is such a hostile relationship.

One of the several situations this week that we dealt with related to the fact that we did not think Gabe was old enough for a certain item he desperately wanted: an ipad. Yes, it is cool. Yes, it is very cool. But does a 13 year old need that? Should they be given this? Are they responsible enough for it? Should they not earn it somewhat? Is there a way for a 13 year old to even earn something like that at this stage in his life? We felt that it was a bit much. However, he received it as a gift from his mother a couple of weeks ago.

At first, we didn’t want him to use it here. Then push came to shove, and we agreed he could use it without the internet (just play the games/apps). We thought it was a good compromise. But really, it still didn’t sit well with us.

Then we had some other issues (not directly related to the ipad, but related to trust, responsibility, honesty and freedom) this week which highlighted just how Gabe was struggling with the maturity process and we realized that giving him freedom, when he does not have responsibility, was a mistake. Our gut feeling to set limits was right and we should have stuck with it.

We sat down with him, discussed the issues he was having, and told him that we had decided to go back on our decision to let him use the ipad here. Now, we can’t say he can’t have ipad – it was his mom’s decision to buy him one. And I don’t want to judge her on her choice and right as a parent. However, what we realized (and I’m glad we are realizing this now) is that as parents, we can’t succumb to the pressures we may feel from others or from society in general – about parenting. Our gut for our children in our home was one way, but we didn’t follow through with that gut feeling due to the pressure of feeling like the “mean” parent. We felt bad about going back on what we had told him, but explained that as parents it is a learning curve for us too, so we will make mistakes and will have to make changes along the way.

Around the same time of dealing with these issues and struggling with wondering if we were doing the right thing for our family and for Gabe in particular, my Mom sent me a few articles (which she often does) about parenting. These articles made some important points that comforted me in the decisions we made this week as parents. Let me share some exerts that struck me:

In an article entitled: “Guidance: Teaching Children the Law of the Harvest” by Wallace Goddard, I read the following:

“It is our job as parents to help children get what they want in a way that we feel good about.” In other words, we honor their preferences–but within the bounds set by wise and loving parents.

This paired nicely with another article by Richard and Linda Eyre entitled “What Entitlement is and How it Grows in our Kids”. In this article, they quoted from a book entitled “Living in the age of Entitlement, The Narcissism Epidemic”, by Jean M. Twenge and W. Keith Campbell:

It is increasingly common to see parents relinquishing authority to young children, showering them with unearned praise, protecting them from their teachers’ criticisms, giving them expensive automobiles, and allowing them to have freedom but not the responsibility that goes with it. Not that long ago, kids knew who the boss was—and it wasn’t them. It was Mom and Dad. And Mom and Dad weren’t your “friends.” They were your parents.

Then Twenge and Campbell get at one of the true causes of entitlement:

The sea change in parenting is driven by the core cultural value of self admiration and positive feelings. Parents want their kids’ approval, a reversal of the past ideal of children striving for their parents’ approval.

These comments really made me think. They were speaking to me directly. I often tell my kids they don’t need me to be their friend – they have lots of those. They need me to be their parent. They only have one Mom, one Dad and in our case, one Stepmom (or Smom as we call it here)and one Stepdad. I need to be acting in that valuable and unique role and not slip into the “friend – I want to be cool role”. Being the parent doesn’t preclude you from having a friendship with your child – but it is a very different friendship and comes second to being the parent.

Gabe was a bit mopey for the remainder of the week. Rob just simply told him what I suspect we will be telling our kids a lot over the next few (decade or more!?!) years: “I know you may not like me that much right now. I know you may not believe that I am doing everything I am doing out of my love and concern for you. I’m ok with you not being happy with me right now because I know that I have your best interest at heart and care so much about you. Maybe one day you will understand”.

This is going to be an interesting few years.