I didn’t even do it

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First client of the day.

I sat down with my client, pulled his file out, engaged in some small chit chat, then went to put my phone on silent, when a text buzzed in.

I don’t usually respond to texts when I am with a client, but I happened to see it was from one of my boys, so I glanced at it.

It started with:

“If u get an email from Ms XYZ, i didn’t even do it…”

Yeah. Great.

I told my client, apologetically, I had to respond. My client was very gracious, told me to even call my son, “because I want to hear this!!”

I didn’t call but there was a slew of texts back and forth leaving me feeling a little puzzled with what the actual story was… I can’t wait to hear it in more detail.

I shared the text with Rob, who of course was laughing and then he cheered me up with this little video.

It seems I’m not the only one with a kid who seems to find trouble: Check it out

Snow Removal 

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The other morning I went out to my car to leave. Rob had walked me to the porch and was waiting on the porch while I got in my car and pulled out to leave. We have street parking, but my car  was parked in front of our house.

It had snowed the day before, but I had been already out so my car was clear from snow. Even if it was snowy, Rob always clears it off for me:)

This morning my neighbor was also heading to her car which was parked in front of mine. She clearly had not been out in a while as her car was piled high with snow. She was with her 17 year old son. I watched as she pulled out a snow brush and started to clean her car. I fully expected her 17 year old to take over the task. Instead, he lit a cigarette. Then, he crossed to the other side of the street to stand in the sun to smoke his cigarette. His mother kept clearing the snow.

I was already in my car and at that point I had to leave ( I never leave enough time to get to my appointments.)As I pulled out, I called Rob. He answered with: “I am in complete awe. Can you believe it?” He clearly had seen the 17 year old light up a smoke —- then move to the sunny side of the street to stay warm —- while his mother cleared the snow off.

Rob was getting ready to head outside to help, although we both agreed that it would be very awkward if he offered help, and likely our neighbor would be upset with him (ironically with him, but not her son.)

While still on the phone with me, he said our neighbor finished up; the son crushed his cigarette into the ground (the ground where, unfortunately, my dog will be sniffing later), got into the car and they drove off.

She was likely driving him to school.

Seriously? That’s all I could say.

Seriously, are we raising a generation so completely selfish and self centered that helping their own mother is overlooked?

It reminded me of the time I was 8 months pregnant with Josh,  Zach was 18 months old, my (now) ex husband had broken his leg and was confined to the couch. It was a very snowy January and I was leaving for work with Zach. It had snowed the night before A LOT and I opened my front door only to see that my neighbor in the attached house next to me (we lived in a semi detached home) had very kindly cleaned the snow.

ON HIS SIDE.

Yup. Literally cleaned his side of the stairs, his side of the path.

I think I cried.

And then went to a kind neighbor across the street and asked if I could pay their teenage sons to clear my snow for the winter (he of course agreed, and refused any kind of payment.)

(My semi-detached neighbors split shortly after and he moved out and eventually a new boyfriend moved in who was the BEST neighbor ever!!)

Anyhow, back to my original story….

That night we told the story to our kids and I was relieved that they found the story about our 17-year-old-move- to-the-sun-to-smoke-while-my-mom-cleans-the-snow just as appalling.

Phew.

I don’t want to be raising that kind of kid.

As appalled as I was at the son, I also think it’s the Mom’s responsibility to be teaching her son and not accepting that kind of behaviour.

In our house when you shovel, you shovel our area (which absolutely includes the stairs and side of the path of our semi detached neighbor, AND  the sidewalks in front of both houses) AND our other next door neighbor’s  paths (if not already done as they are elderly and their 40 something year old son does it usually).

You just do this. We all do it. (Except Rob who is never allowed to shovel again due to his heart attack last year— such drama he created all to get out of shovelling:))

It doesn’t take much to help people out. It doesn’t take much to do a little extra. And it certainly shouldn’t take much to help your mother out, given all that I KNOW  she does for you.

You can be sure that since that day, I have not gone to my car with one of my kids without them clearing off the snow or offering to do so:) I’m so glad it’s being engrained in them now that serving others is always the way to go (and yes, they need the reminder to get out there and serve – but I consider it my job to continue to train them, and most importantly, set the example.)

(PS – yes, we do live in a downtown area, so luckily it is only stairs, paths, and sidewalks and very few driveways that need shovelling – although you often have to shovel around your car on the street. However, I did grow up in an area with long driveways, and I grew up with a Dad who not only shovelled our driveway, but often the neighbours driveway…so appreciative of his example.)

Quote of the Week

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“Be a yardstick of QUALITY. Some people aren’t used to an environment where EXCELLENCE is expected.” – Steve Jobs

The other day Josh’s soccer team had a parents meeting. His new team is pretty hard core and the intensity is only increasing as we ramp up to the summer outdoor season. The coach is trying a new thing, where he is taking a larger pool of kids to make the team, but not all will play in every game (as opposed to previous teams where the roster was chosen at the beginning of the season and the kids just then played every game).

With his new format, in order to play in the game, you have to basically “earn it.” Earning it will be based on skill, effort, attitude, attendance etc. If you don’t “make” it for that week, you still get to play, but you don’t play on the “top” team (A team), you will play on the B team. You do also have the chance to be “so impressive” that you can be guaranteed a spot for the whole month on the A team.

You can imagine the uproar that this caused.

Here are some of the things parents said:

“They are only 11 – 12, this will cause lots of anxiety every week”

“They will feel like weekly failures”

“It’s better that my son only has to deal with the stress and anxiety when he has to make the team, but once he makes it, I want him to be able to relax and enjoy himself a little bit”

“My son puts in 100% effort all the time! If he doesn’t make it, then that’s not fair!”

There were such mixed reactions to these comments, but I actually really liked what they coach had to say.

He felt that rather than making a bunch of cuts at the beginning of the season, he was giving kids the chance to work on their game throughout the season. He understood the anxiety issues, but emphasized that the coaches, as well as the parents, need to help the kids cope with the anxiety, encourage them to give it their all and identify areas that they can do better the next time. And it’s not like playing on the B team is a bad thing!! He suggested if anxiety was the concern, then he’d happily place your kid on the B team and then you don’t have to worry about anxiety (no on took him up on that offer though – which shows that some parents may be the ones more concerned of the prestige of being on A vs B).

The comment about “wanting to relax once you make the team”…. yeah, this is why he’s doing this. That’s the attitude of too many kids (and parents). I made it, I can sit back and enjoy the ride.

The comment about the 100% effort, I nearly choked when the Mom said it. In my head I was thinking: “Really? Your kid is at 100% all the time???? Wow. What’s your secret? My kids aren’t like that. I’m not like that!!! It’s impossible to be 100% all the time!” But, you can certainly aim for it. The other sad reality is that sometimes even giving 100% does not make things fair. I think back to not long ago where Rob gave 150% for a job he wanted, and guess what? He didn’t get it. It’s not fair. But it’s life.

The whole argument that these kids are only 11-12 — I sort of get. I mean, I feel that way too. Please, don’t be so harsh. He’s my baby. I don’t want him to deal with these realities right now. I don’t want him exposed to too much failure or anxiety. Adulthood is hard enough, let’s let them be kids.

BUT. Having an almost 17 year old? Um, let’s let them start dealing with some harder stuff earlier on, because it actually only gets harder. You can’t protect them. Consequences do get bigger.

What this coach is pushing for is EXCELLENCE. He wants them to give it their all, all the time. Is this hard to do? YES! But just because something is hard to do doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be aiming for it.

I know in our home, Rob and I are concerned about our kids putting in good effort. We are concerned that our kids take pride in their work. We want them to have a gut check when they don’t do well on a test, or do lousy on an assignment. We want them to walk away from a game asking what they could do better. I don’t want their teacher letting them off the hook for late assignments or unsatisfactory work. I want them to KNOW and acknowledge when they have given it their all – and when they haven’t (because, let’s face it, we – even our little kids – know when we have given it our all).We want them to raise the bar of their expectations and not settle for mediocrity.

Yes, striving for excellence is a lot of pressure. But I do think it builds a character ready to face the big, dark scary world.  But, I’m not just the cheerleader on the sidelines telling my kids how great they are, “rah,rah,rah”. I can do that too – BUT my most important job is to coach them, and sometimes that requires me pushing for excellence and raising that bar a little bit higher.

EXCELLENCE. That’s what we are aiming for. And if we don’t make it? We’re still landing in a pretty good place.

Quote of the Week

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“The companion of agency is always accountability .”

The ability to make choices is such a gift. The freedom to do what we want, when we want, how we want.

But with that freedom and agency comes accountability.

And that is hard to take sometimes.

I see my kids begging for the freedom, which we try to give them. But then they are turning around and having to deal with the accountability, which is not always so fun.

It helps to think ahead about the accountability that is tied to that particular act of agency. But sometimes thinking ahead is even just a little too hard….

Happy 12th Birthday Josh!

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My baby turns 12 today.

Even though he’s not the youngest in our family, he’s still my baby. Makes for some unique sibling roles in our family when you have two “oldest children” and two “babies”, yet, in some circumstances, they are middles too…. Hopefully it will just even them all out!

Josh turns 12 today! Turning into a young man. How is that possible?! Over the past several months, we have had a lot of alone time together as we drive to different events (mainly soccer at various parts of the city). As much as I complain about the distance and locations, I will never complain about the chance to drive with him. I love how our conversations leave me with the feeling of how innocent he still is, to how grown up he is. Some questions make me smile with their purity and others make me shake my head (in a good way) with his wisdom.

12 is a transition year. In our church, it’s a big year as he transitions from being with the little kids (which I LOVE how he never complained about being the oldest, he simply took on the role of being a leader and loved helping out with the little guys, or teaching them or just doing things to make them laugh) to being with the youth (12-18). Special times, with lots of growth, responsibility and fun ahead!

12 things I love about Josh (in no particular order)

1) His passion! He is such a passionate person. It can get him in trouble, but as he learns to channel it well, watch out!

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2) What a good teacher he can be! Like I said above, he is so good with little kids. But he’s good with me too! He has memorized “his” poem “Invictus” (which I talked about here) and has spent weeks patiently teaching and helping me memorize it!

3) His love of his doggy. Boy, he and Reggie are kindred spirits. Josh is seriously in love with our dog!

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4) His love and appreciation of candy and desserts. I’ve never seen anyone enjoy them so much! His appreciation for dry cereal too. Mini wheats in particular!

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5) His hilariousness. He can crack us up, make us smile, and truly has allowed us to create some of the funniest memories!

6) His athletic abilities. Not only in soccer, but his willingness to play all sports and his desire to get good at them! He works hard at it and will spend hours trying to improve.

7) The sensitive side of him. The tears that well up during sad movies, the thought that goes into little gifts for me, the words in his cards. Love. Love. Love.

8) The kind hearted brother that we catch glimpses of… When he picks up a treat for his bro, or gives some soccer advice, or hugs and gets hugged by his sister. It’s there. Under that competitive spirit, it’s there:)

9) The hard worker that comes out when it’s time to get serious with school. He will set a goal and work towards it. He will be devastated with a bad mark and work to change it. He can sit for hours to get a project done. Great effort.

10) His growing independence. I love how he gets up and off early for school practices on his own, no complaints and no pushing needed. Out the door – and I have to catch him for a kiss and hug!

11) Such a confidence in who he is. He is himself. Doesn’t worry about what others think. He does his own thing. He likes what he likes, and is not ashamed of it.

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12) His willingness to hug and snuggle especially during movie time! Love the special spot he make for us with blankets and pillows:)

Happy Birthday my dear Josh. May you enjoy this year and continue to reach your potential!! You are so so so loved. Always. And more.

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All my love and I certainly love you more,

Mom

The boost from service

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Gabe attended a great youth conference this weekend hosted by our church. It was for 16-17 year olds only this time.

The focus was on service. The LDS youth theme worldwide this year is all about service. What a great theme for teenagers! (And adults too!) Helps them get a little bit out of their comfort zones and learn early how important it is to serve and the joy it brings!

They had 4 different projects running that the kids could choose to participate in. Gabe chose to work on an art project for a nearby women’s shelter. They also had several workshops they each attended with the theme of serving others. Of course, there was lots of time
to socialize and exchange numbers with pretty girls too:)

Gabe had a great time and really came back with such a positive energy. Serving others is really the best way to get a boost in your life.

Here’s a great video they made. Check him out at 2:08 and 3:28 — the last shot. He’s the cutie in the blue shirt…

https://m.youtube.com/watch?feature=youtu.be&v=MGuq9ppgGbA

Quote of the Week

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“The best view comes after the hardest climb.”

Back in 2010, Rob and I went to the Amalfi Coast in Italy.

While spending time in the quaint villages of Positano, Praino and Ravello we decided to do the famous “Walk of the Gods” between the villages, on the high edge of the cliffs. Apparently the views from the top were spectacular and breathtaking.

Of course, to do this walk, we had to climb thousands of steps to get up to the top, then walk along the cliffs and get this spectacular view.

I am a good motivator when the kids are around,(sometimes), but the second they aren’t, I become the kid, and I whine and complain. We started the trek up, and within a few hundred stairs, I was complaining. Bitterly.

Rob had to pep talk me, and encouraged me to take babysteps. The climb was divided into a series of staircases. Rather than focus on the thousands of steps that lay ahead of me (in the beating sun, I might add), he encouraged me to focus on the staircase that was immediately in front of me; asking, “Can you do this set of stairs?”, to which my answer was consistently, “Yes. These ones I can do.”

Eventually, of course, we made it to the top, and walked along the stunning cliffs (where I took over being the motivator since Rob is seriously scared of heights).

The views? Specatular.

The photos I have? Unreal.

The pride I felt in accomplishing this climb? Amazing. (Except my legs were complete jello at the end of the day because, what goes up, of course, must come down….)

And I have used this story countless times when encouraging others (especially my clients).

Most spectacular views require a climb. The climb may be easy, or it may be hard. We may need to break the climb down into smaller climbs (as I had to do)..but that does not change the view at the end.

We encounter so many “climbs” in our life. Rarely do we hear people talk about all their great successes after taking the easy road.

People usually talk about the climbs that built their character. The ones that shaped their values, or helped them discover who they were. Climbs that make them stronger, or draw them closer to others. Climbs that they fell on, or felt they couldn’t do, but persevered anyways until eventually, they caught a glimpse of that amazing view.

Sometimes, however, we make the climb, and all we can see is more climbing ahead of us. That, I think is the biggest challenge. In those situations, I think we just have to keep going (as usually there is no alternative anyways) and try to find some beauty in the actual climb, or try to find someone to make the climb with, which will make that climb a whole lot better. It also helps if we can keep faith that there IS a beautiful view awaiting us.

Sometimes , you may just have to stop and enjoy the view from wherever and however high you get. Like on my favourite show “Parenthood” that just ended (boo), when Camille and Zeek go to climb to see a magnificent view, and Zeek can’t make it, so they stop to enjoy it from where he is able to climb to , given his heart condition. Sometimes in the midst of the climb, there is still a beautiful view to enjoy.

 

Quote of the Week

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“Decisions determine destiny.”

Thomas S. Monson

A couple of weeks ago I went to the high school open house for students entering high school next year. Although Gabe already attends that school, being the wicked Stepmom, I had to bow out of attending such events for him as it likely would have resulted in some stressful, conflictual, “who does she think she is” kind of thing that I would inevitably end up hearing about.

So this was my first time going. As I toured the school, we came across the arts area, where they talked about all these cool photography classes the kids could take in grade 11 and 12. I knew Zach would be completely keen on that. However, he was planning on following Gabe’s lead and taking band in grade 9.

When we got home, we sat down with a cool program that the school has that helps you map out your academic career. What we found, was if he wanted to take photography later on, he had to take the grade 9 general arts course. If he took band, he would be missing the prerequisite for the photography course. We then played around with some other ideas, including looking at whether or not he would even have room for a course like photography given his academic focus. He will, and since it is a course that interests him now, he made the decision to take art in grade 9, rather than band. ( I wish he could do both, as I am so torn because I think the value of music and band is very high…but I also know that he already has a passion for photography…)

Now, of course, he may change his mind, many, many times.

But the point is, had he not taken the time to do a bit of the research to help him make his decisions, he would not be on the path that he thinks he wants to be.

It’s kind of amazing the number of life changing decisions you have to make when you are the least prepared to make them. You are the least experienced, most vulnerable, and let’s face it, most immature. And yet we ask teens to make all sorts of decisions that will impact the rest of their  lives!

It’s hard to make decisions, even when you are an adult! It’s hard to balance your short term and long term priorities (which is where 10-10-10 comes in).

What’s harder though?

Letting go and allowing your kids to make their own decisions – decisions that you know (but they may not necessarily believe) determine their destiny.

Gabe this week had (or has) a big decision to make. In fact, he has a lot of decisions to make, since he is at a pivotal age in terms of deciding many things for his future. Rob and I have talked a lot and decided it was time to let go and let him make these more important decisions on his own. We have taught him what we think are good decision making strategies (both rationale and spiritual) and need to now have faith that he he makes the best decisions for him. We’ve also told him, as he’s becoming an adult, he needs to learn how to make choices that he thinks are good for him, but others may not necessarily agree with – and that is ok. We all have different paths to take. We will support his decisions – even the ones we don’t necessarily agree with (which will happen of course; who has not made a decision that their parents likely would have advised otherwise? It’s part of growing up, being independent and exercising our free agency). However, he needs to also learn to own his consequences. He gets to have pride in the good ones, and deal with the bad.

So this quote was timely as my kids are learning about making decisions and taking steps to make big ones. Decisions do determine destiny; so choose wisely and prayerfully.

The dedication of our home

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For FHE (Family Home Evening or Family Night as we often call it around here) this week we finally did something that we have been wanting to do for ages.

With so many outside influences swirling around our kids, we have talked for a long time about how we want our home to be a “safe place.” I talked back here about “thin places” and I really want our home to be a thin place.

We decided to dedicate this FHE to talking about our home, and then dedicate our home. I have always loved the Jewish tradition of the “mezuzah”, so I guess you can call this our LDS version of that ritual or tradition; although it’s not something that everyone does. We just felt we wanted to do it and thought the beginning of the year was the time to do it.

Rob started out by sharing some thoughts about our home and what kind of home we desire to have (Rob and I  had discussed these things beforehand and shared what we each envisioned for our family and our home). He shared the desire for our home to be an inviting place for all of us and those who visit. It should be a home of learning and education, where we seek to share wisdom and develop skills. He encouraged us to only bring into our homes the books, movies, videos, and games that would uplift and inspire and be in keeping with our values. He talked about our marital commitment and fidelity – and that setting the tone that our kids feel safe and stable and can live in a home where conflict is limited and love is in abundance. He shared with the kids the deep responsibility that we feel as parents to advise, teach, guide, serve, lead, and love. While they may disagree at times with us, it is from a place of deep commitment and love. He also talked about the enjoyment, fun and life long relations and traditions we are building. Finally, he shared the importance of order,cleanliness, self reliance and self control. All things that we can work on together to make our home a better place to live.

We tied a couple of scriptures into our discussion that fit our desires:

D&C 87:8 “Wherefore, stand ye in holy places, and be not moved, until the day of the Lord come; for behold, it cometh quickly, saith the Lord.”

To us, our home is one of the holiest places on earth, so this verse is quite fitting to us.

D&C 88: 119 “Organize yourselves; prepare every needful thing; and establish a house, even a house of prayer, a house of fasting, a house of faith, a house of learning, a house of glory, a house of order, a house of God.”

This verse is one some of the kids have even memorized, and is one that frequently hangs on our kitchen wall.

So, we talked about the meaning of these verses to us and our interpretations of them.

Finally, we had everyone think of one word (or a couple of words, or a short sentence) that described each person’s desire for our home to be, or how they want to feel when they are in our home.

It may sound goofy, but when you give kids a chance to speak things from their soul and share their feelings, they can say some pretty profound and beautiful things. (We actually recorded what they said so in years to come we can look back on it).

Here’s what each person came with (and a little bit of their explanation of what they mean):

Rob: “Unlimited”: represents unlimited love, unlimited trust, unlimited patience (ha), unlimited faith, unlimited strength, unlimited potential.

Me: “Thin place”: I want our home to be a place where heaven and earth meet – often. Where we share moments that are almost sacred to us.

Gabe: “Safe Haven”: a place to come to escape all the craziness.

Zandra: “The light in the darkness”: in dark times, our home can always be the light.

Zach: “Peaceful”: somewhere I can go to not be stressed.

Josh: “Unity” : somewhere where we can always be together

Sam: “Loyalty” : we can always count on each other.

Reggie: “Walk”: because that is the word that gets him absolutely excited and he loves it the most:)

We then went under our dining room table, and each wrote our “words” at our place setting. (When we first got this new table, we went under it and signed our names at our place settings, so it was fun to go back under and add to our table art.)

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We marked this special occasion with a special dinner as well, so the kids really understand that it was important to us.

Finally, Rob said a prayer about out home; words that touched us all and I’m sure we will all remember the feeling we had when that prayer was being given.  I certainly think we had a thin moment in this thin place.

I want our home to be all those things that our kids expressed they wanted, and all those things that Rob said we desired for our family. Doing this, I hope, will help us be a little bit more mindful of the importance of our home.

Quote of the Week

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“A flower does not think of competing to the flower next to it. It just blooms.”

What do you get when you have two biological brothers 18 months apart, who have some very similar interests (and share the same life routine of travelling back and forth between their two homes?)

Some serious competition.

I mean, serious.

Zach and Josh have always been really competitive from a young age. They seem to have a love/hate relationship.

I remember seeing it in the first few months of their relationship.

Zach carefully stroking his “Baby Josh”, as we affectionately called him, while Josh was asleep. What a beautiful moment. I pulled the camera out just in time to catch a picture of the tender moment of a 19 month old, caring for his 1 month old baby. Seconds later Zach was trying to roll Josh off the bed….

Then I have the fantastic video of Josh sitting in his little vibrating chair and Zach playing the cutest game of peek-a-boo with him. I got it all on tape! Darling! Including when Zach tried to hold the blanket over Josh’s face much longer and suffocate him….(ok, granted, the kid cried non stop for 10 months).

And so the sibling rivalry started.

Those were the good old days when it was only Zach you had to watch out for. When Josh became mobile and verbal – watch out!!

He was a destructor of anything his brother made.

Yet, I must also very carefully paint the other side of the picture: they are the sweetest, kindest, most caring, loving brothers at other times.

I know the love is there. I know that deep down they would do anything for each other.

But right now?  The competitiveness is out of control!

I thought this quote would be perfect for us to focus on this week. This year. Maybe always.

I think I’ll make them memorize it.

Then they can argue about who memorized it better. Or faster. Or who’s idea it was to memorize it in the first place. Then I can tell them to stop fighting about it. And they can argue about who started fighting first. Who’s willing to stop fighting about it….

Just bloom. Please. Bloom.