End of the Year Blues

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So…Rob and I are away this week on a little marriage vacation, but have been texting/emailing/FaceTiming and Google chatting with the kids(and hoping we won’t have a $500++ bill when we get home)

Last night I was on FaceTime with Zach and Josh when Gabe called through on Google Chat (with Zandra and Sam) and we got all the screens together so we could talk – all 7 of us. So cute! (Even though 4 of them go to the same school, it appears they are too busy with friends to ask “Did you get invited to Grace’s graduation party?” so had to do it through the screens and the thousands of miles away).

Anyhow.

In one of my conversations with Zach, I happened to ask if he was getting in trouble at school (it’s the kind of question I have to ask every couple of days. His teacher has zero tolerance for talking – especially from him – and Zach has zero ability to not talk).

He responded with a long, drawn out story about how he HAD in fact, JUST that day, got in a teeny bit of trouble. End result: the teacher said he felt it was time to have another meeting with his parents.

Here’s my question:

Is it wrong that my first reaction was “Oh please. I’m not dealing with another meeting. School is almost over and you are changing schools next year anyhow” ??

I thought it might not be the best reaction – as it is serious business. (But seriously, we have 3 brutal weeks of school left before he graduates from this school…)

I do take this kind of thing seriously, so I think my next reaction was the right one  (maybe?) :

“Tell your teacher that your parents are away (Rob and I are away, and Zach’s Dad is also away on business) but your grandparents are taking care of you and would be more than happy to meet with him.“

My ex-in laws (Zach and Josh’s grandparents) are in fact watching them, and from what I have heard in the past, they had to deal with a lot of teachers about Zach’s Dad when he was little, so I figured they could handle it! Is that wrong to put that on them??

Zach didn’t think it was a good idea. He decided he’d stay quiet (ha) and hope the whole thing blows over.

Good idea.

Not a stellar parenting moment of mine, but end of the year has worn me down:)

My Big Boys

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When I first met Gabe, he was 9 years old. He was super cute, and super chatty. He was so comfortable with adults and had his Dad’s charm. I instantly liked him and knew he was a special kid. However, he struggled with school (academics), and he struggled with some anxieties (some I think were anxieties that had been around for a while, and some I think stemmed from all the divorce drama this little man had lived). It was rough going the first little while. I firmly believed he had the potential to achieve so much, but just needed a little pushing, and a little routine and stability in his life. He already knew he was loved (by both his parents), but a little extra love would never hurt (the perks of having a step parent) and he just needed to see for a split second the greatness that he was destined for.

Zach, was my first born. I was so excited to find out I was expecting (and shocked too). I didn’t find out the sex, but knew in my heart it was a boy. And what a boy he was. Gorgeous, easy going, and “wise”. People all the time came up to me and commented how wise this little man looked – even as a baby. My father was a very wise soul, and I knew in my heart, that is where Zach got it from. Needless to say the memories of my first baby, I will always cherish. When Zach was 4, his life changed when his Dad and I got divorced. To say he felt abandoned would be an understatement. He would sob, cry out in the night, and not let me take the garbage out as I described here. I knew that he was a strong child and saw how he dealt with his struggles, even as a little guy, with such grace and courage.

Fast forward several years to now. Gabe is almost 15 and Zach is almost 12.

My boys are turning into little men – real little men – before my very eyes.

Both have dealt with adversity and challenges. Both have had to put in so much hard work to get to many places. Both have had to deal with two homes, different routines, constant change, constant uncertainty and a complete lack of control.

Yet, as I watch them grow, I see greatness coming out of them. Seriously.

Gabe today has an award ceremony at school. He is receiving an academic award for being a student who improved his grades in 4 or more courses over the course of the year, dramatically. He is attending activities where he knows no one and making friends there. He has done an overnight school trip (last year) and is trying out overnight camp again this year. He is starting to do some extracurricular activities too. He is questioning things, and seeking out answers. Doing all this, still while being the super amazing kid he always has been: passionate about airplanes, curious about electronics, educated about cars and engines, completely hilarious and easy to talk to. Oh, and darn handsome to boot:)

Zach yesterday had ANOTHER disappointment with his soccer team. He is a great player, and has some amazing soccer pals, but his coach is something else. The kind of person that must be placed in Zach’s life to teach him some lessons on how “not” to be. But he is also the kind of coach who is teaching Zach the reality of how many people are in life: insecure, not the nicest and out to get ya. Sad, that a 12 year old has to endure that on a team, but it is the reality we all end up facing at some point. Well, Zach is facing it with such grace and courage. He hasn’t let it deter his love of soccer, or his ability to play well and hard and give it his all. He hasn’t let it derail his status of being his little brother’s biggest fan either – which I am so impressed with (Josh’s team is so well led and organized; such a far stretch from Zach’s team). But no, Zach still is by the sidelines coaching Josh and recording all his assists and goals with pride. He has continued to work hard, be positive, stay enthusiastic, and be a good sport – all while looking terrific on the field (and of course, off the field) and making us roll over in stitches with his commentary and jokes.

Gabe and Zach together (they share a room) are dynamo. They support each other, they talk about everything, and they are the best comedy team. And the best legal/negotiating team when trying to win a case at home.

So, while my heart aches – and my head is in disbelief –  at how my life is changing, there is a new feeling of awe and happiness at the direction it is all going in.  I am slowly, but surely,  becoming the Mom/Smom of teenagers and tweens. The baby years are in the far distance, memories easily recalled, smells and touches right at my fingertips, but they are truly gone from my reality. Replacing the reality is the joy and happiness at watching my big boys become the amazing men I know they were always meant to be. My heart bursts more with pride when THEY do something, or THEY overcome a challenge, or a barrier, more than when I do now. I look to them as examples of hard work, courage and compassion.

Yes, they are still ordinary boys, and I am still all over them to clean their room, get studying, put their clothes away and to help out a bit more. But I am seeing more and more glimmers of who they are and who they are becoming  – and I like it. I like it a lot. They are choice men. They will make choice husbands. They will make choice fathers. They will be pillars of strength and compassionate leaders, with a twist of funny.

I’m so blessed that they have started their journey in my home. I’m so blessed that these little men of greatness are following the example of the great man, husband, father and stepfather that Rob is.  I couldn’t love them more.

They are the greatness that will make the world a better place.

Travel is an experience…

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Rob and I are off enjoying a week together in the beautiful island of Turks and Caicos.

This certainly is a year of travel for us. We are celebrating 5 years married this month and decided that we would celebrate, by of course, taking another trip.

Forget gifts, give me travel. Well, I’m actually good with a homemade something (and there has to be something as I talked about here), but any excuse to travel, I will take. We have been extremely blessed by having opportunities come to us that allow us to travel as much as we do. Let’s just say that  I am a creative traveller and where there is a will, there is a way. Travel is my absolute passion that I love to share with Rob, and to share with my kids. But with a anniversary to celebrate, the kiddies were left at home this time.

However, I know they also share my passion of travel and I am so thrilled that it is a part of me that I see in them all. Zach has always been the most interested; making lists of where he wants to go, drawing maps etc. But the others seem to have absorbed some of the interest too, I am happy to report.

The other day I was driving home from soccer with Josh and a couple of his soccer buddies. They got on the topic of “what would you do if you won a million dollars”. Of course, they were cute in talking about all the kid stuff they would buy (a smoothie machine for home, candy etc), and then one boy said he would want a boat. He then went on to say “Some people, like my Mom, say they would travel. Why would you waste any money on travel??”

Well, as if he was speaking the exact words running through my mind, that sweet child of mine exclaimed (with big arm gestures – the Italian in him): “Travel! Travel is AN EXPERIENCE”. He then went on to explain how it creates memories, allows you to see stuff you would never know existed, to do things that you never thought you’d do.”

Can I just say that my heart melted a little, and it also swelled with joy and pride. It is so important to me to pass on a love of travel – a love of nature, a love of culture, a love of adventure and the importance of creating experiences and memories. My 10 year old has already learned that we travel to experience life on a different level and it has already become a part of him.

How blessed we are to be able to share these travels together.

Soccer tournament

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While the three older kids attended youth conference this past weekend, the two younger guys kept us running.

Josh was in a soccer tournament – scoring 10 goals in the 6 games he played!! Mama was at every game, proudly cheering him on. I even yelled, “That’s my boy” after one particularly awesome goal. Luckily he didn’t hear me, he said afterwards! The team did great – coming into 2nd, in overtime. It was a sunny weekend – but freezing cold, so I sported my winter jacket, hats, some warm blankets and a wind chapped face.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Rob got the other kids to conference (and Zach to soccer practice too – missing a bit of conference. Gabe decided to skip baseball to stay at conference the whole time). He then took Sam to the school fun fair where he got to run around and have some fun (Zach joined them for a few minutes too in between soccer and conference). Rob and Sam then joined us at the tournament to build up Josh’s cheering section up!

(Later in the weekend, everyone was able to make it to Josh’s final game, so the cheering section grew even more!)

Here’s some snaps of Josh in action (and a few cute spectators):

After day 1, we took the little boys out for sushi – nice to just have them alone. I love when we  have a mix of kids – different dynamics and more one on one time.

All in all it was a great weekend, but exhausting. But what else can you expect with a house full of kids?

Youth Experiences

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There a few things I want my kids to experience in life.

Falling in love – the amazing forever kind.
Having children
Travel
Getting a great education….

Typical things…. But longer term stuff.

I want them to have some great experiences in their childhood and youthhood too. The kind of experiences that help them through life, help them discover and develop who they are. The kind of experiences that they will remember for life – for the fun, and the growth. The kind of experience that is independent from me and Rob.

Well, I think my 3 older kids had one of those exact experiences this last weekend.

Our church has an awesome youth program for kids aged 12-18. Weekly activities, conferences, service projects, camps, classes etc.. I grew up participating in this program and it was always great. We had amazing, committed, dedicated leaders. We learned so much. We had FUN! We got to create a whole group of peers outside of school. We had experiences that forever changed us and left a mark on our hearts – we developed testimonies and had experiences that words could not adequately describe. I feel so blessed to have had these influences and opportunities in my life.

This past weekend, our area held a “youth conference” for kids aged 12-18. Although Zach was not yet 12, they permitted him to go because he’s almost there:) The conference was located a 5 minute walk from our house in one of our old meetinghouses (normally the location is at least a 20-60 minute drive – so this was a bonus). It ran Friday night, all day Saturday into the late evening, and Sunday morning. Zandra was excited to go, Zach wasn’t sure if they’d let him, and Gabe was a bit ambivalent.

They arrived home on Friday night filled with stories and excitement. We were surprised, but it was mostly a games night, so figured they lucked out on enjoying the games.

Saturday night came and to our amazement, they were even more excited to tell of their day. Classes they had taken (about world religions, making choices, time management, myth busting, being a leader), variety shows they had participated in, meals and snacks, games and activities, and great interactions with new friends. They had so much fun — and learned a ton too!!

Now, I wasn’t surprised in some ways because that had always been my experience too growing up. It was so fun! But, in our area, there didn’t seem like a lot of kids. Gabe had only gone to a few things (given the fact that most activities fall in the time he’s with his Mom unfortunately, although he has enjoyed what he’s been to) so I wasn’t sure what to expect. And you know kids…. They tend to like to complain.

But not one complaint!

I held my breath for Sunday – because that was all the regular Sunday stuff – except they had their own youth meetings.

Rob was already home when they came home (they walked) and he said he saw them and had to take a picture because they looked so happy!

They then told him that they had an amazing time, it was so uplifting and they had really felt the Spirit – for the first time really they all said. He thought they were joking at first, but then quickly realized they weren’t. It was an amazing meeting!

Independent of us, they had had a weekend of learning, growth, spirit, laughter, and plain old fun. The kind of weekend that they will remember for life. The kind of weekend that teaches them things that they may only apply in years to come. The kind of weekend where they begin to really truly feel that they are special individuals with a purpose here on earth. The kind of weekend where lasting friendships are made, and memories of experiences are etched in their hearts. The kind of weekend where the Spirit moves and touches them and they learn to recognize those good feelings.

The kind of weekend I always hoped they would have as part of their youth. I want them to have experiences that shape them physically, emotionally, intellectually, socially and spiritually; and this weekend hit the mark in all categories.

So grateful for these programs and these leaders.

Quote of the Week

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Can you tell I’m a bit overwhelmed with life over here? Two weeks in a row and I’ve got to put up a funny quote for “quote of the week.” There has been little time left for blogging but I’ll get back to it shortly!

I chose this funny little story because – well – it’s funny!

It’s also attached to a fave time or a fave memory for me.

The kids all do their homework in the dining room – which is attached to our living room (it’s one big room really). Rob often works in the living room, and I often do my work notes at the dining room table with the kids when I get home. So it’s like a big study hall. Even if someone has finished their homework, they often like to stick around to read or draw or feel like they’re part of the action. I’m usually telling people to be quiet, stop talking, get back to work – and it takes me 10 times as long to finish my notes, but it’s the time when you get some good conversations about school stuff too so I don’t like to miss it.

But I admit, sometimes I get distracted and amidst checking email and writing notes I will quickly browse Pinterest…. It’s addictive. It’s a little break.

I usually stick to the food section but also head over to the quotes too. Last week, while “working” I came across this quote and burst out laughing. Of course- everyone wanted to know why I laughed. So I shared, and we all got a good laugh. Zach even asked me to send it to him so he could put it on his Instagram. Every time I read it, I laugh, as do my kids.

Lesson in this? You gotta find time to laugh. Gotta find time to share those tiny moments in the middle of study time to just take a break and enjoy the moment of everyone together, laughing, enjoying the silliest thing.

Life is so busy and so hectic around here that I savour the few moments we have to share a meal (we try to eat together as often as possible), a car ride with no music, and some study time— time to talk, to catch up and of course, to laugh and laugh and laugh.

Happy Monday!

Embrace your strengths, work on your weaknesses…

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Because there wasn’t enough soccer being played in our home, both Zach and Zandra tried out for the school soccer teams and made them.

It means sometimes Zach plays soccer after school with the school team, then heads to his regular soccer. Even he admitted he’s tired:(

It also means that there’s more soccer games for us to attend. This past week, both kids, had a soccer tournament during the day – on the same day! The “job” thing that I do and earn a living from is really quite inconvenient on these kind of days. Anyhow, both Rob and I made it to Zandra’s last game, and the last two of Zach’s (Zandra’s were almost all in the morning and Zach’s were later in the day).

They both played amazing and their teams both progressed to the next tournament (yah more missed work!)

However, at Zach’s game we were witness to some disgruntled parents.

I swear, boys don’t have problems until their mothers get involved.

The coach of the team is a hard core competitor. Great guy- he happens to also be Sam’s teacher this year, so we know him quite well. His mentality is not the “everyone makes the team, everyone gets the same game time, everyone gets a trophy” kinda guy. He wants to win. He told the boys upfront that he won’t worry about “fair game time”, but will play whoever is playing their best that day. He didn’t select some players for the team because he said they just weren’t good enough. Ouch. Not the thing to say in our neighborhood.

While we stood cheering for our team on the sidelines, we got to overhear some conversations that a couple of Moms had. In fact, one of these Moms came up to my friend and says “aren’t you glad your son joined the team to be a benchwarmer?” She then encouraged my friend to go over to the coach and complain and make a scene that her kid wasn’t playing as much —- much like the scene she had made earlier that Rob and I were witness to.

Ugly. Embarrassing.

I’m sure your 12 year old son loved hearing you berate the coach about how upset you were that your son wasn’t being played, it just wasn’t fair, he’s been sitting on the bench too long etc.

THAT made it so much better for your kid. Hope his friends heard it all too.

I did appreciate the teacher’s response that “life is not fair, and sports will teach kids that.”

So, you may be thinking that I wasn’t upset simply because my kid plays well
and was on non stop.

I was secretly hoping one of the women would say something to me. I had it all planned out what I would say. But no one asked (they ignored me – I’m not part of their “stay at home” crowd), so I’ll just blog about it.

Here’s what I was thinking:

Yes, my kid has been on the field nonstop (and he has scored 3 out of the 7 goals that they scored all day). And I’m so glad he has played all day because THIS is his thing. THIS is where he gets to feel good about himself. THIS is where the ridiculous number of hours he puts into soccer every day, every week, year round pays off.

I don’t see you mothers caring if your kid comments to my child (or any other child) that he/she is not smart enough (What? You don’t know your kid can be outright arrogant and mean when it comes to his math skills?)  You don’t seem to mind my kid being put in the back row for a musical performance, or a dance recital. You certainly wouldn’t mind if my kid wasn’t selected to spell words at a spelling B. You really don’t care that my kid may struggle with reading, or keeping his/her stuff organized, or he/she struggles with long jump and running for distance. You also don’t seem to mind throwing a birthday party and not inviting my kid.

Heck, no. You are just worried that your kid is not playing as much soccer as mine for ONE day and it’s “not fair.”

Well, helicopter Mom, life is “not fair” – at least in the way you are looking at fairness. (Rob commented that he couldn’t stand being so close to the Moms because he couldn’t hear himself think past the noise of their helicopter blades!)

Fairness is every kid getting what they need. Not every kid getting exactly the same treatment.

I don’t know about you, but I’m not so good at a lot of things.

If I was playing soccer, I’d be the bench warmer. But thrilled to have at least made the team! Now, would it be nice if I was given the opportunity to play more so that would give me a chance to get better? Sure. But maybe not at a tournament It’s only in the movies where they put the kid on the field who is not the best player and is the reason they win the game. Not reality.

The reality is, or at least what I’m teaching my kids, you aren’t going to be good at everything. That’s ok. Embrace your strengths, work on your weaknesses, but don’t feel bad that you’re not the best at everything! Know what you’re good at and be proud. Know what you are not good at, work hard at it, get better at it, but please please please,  celebrate with those who are good at it! You know, maybe they could help you get better. But not if you are bitter at them for being better.

I guess having 5 kids comes in handy sometimes. There is built in competition between all my kids – some excel and some crash – in the same things.

But man, do I have some seriously talented kids. Just in different areas. We want to celebrate their strengths and help with their weaknesses. Fairness, is making sure they all have opportunities to develop their skill sets – that’s what I want to aim for. That’s how I want to make “life fair” for them.

We left the soccer game feeling the eyes burning in our backs from these Moms. Sorry they weren’t able to celebrate in the overall teams success, never mind my kids’s success. Sorry that they couldn’t set the example of being a team player, and being ok with not being the star on the team. Sorry that they likely made their kid feel worse than he did by just sitting on the bench and playing a bit less time.

We just went home and celebrated what my kid happens be good at.

And tomorrow, we’ll keep working at what he is not good at too.

Great Expectations and Examples

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I had two conversations recently that got me thinking a lot about expectations and the importance of being a good example.

Both conversations were about Mother’s Day.

Both were women who were disappointed in how their children had treated them – or not treated them on Mother’s Day. Their kids had “forgotten” about Mother’s Day, or treated it casually and quite thoughtlessly.

I felt bad for both of them. One of them pointed out how she does everything for her kids; is always there for them, running around, doing everything…the nerve of them to not even acknowledge the day.

So I shared with her my favorite excerpt from the book “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother” by Amy Chua. Now, I know this was a very controversial book. However, there was one particular section in it that changed me forever. I talked about the book more here, but I’ll recap for you what I had written back then:

The Birthday card story: I loved this story and shared it with my kids because I think her point is extremely valuable. Her husband makes dinner reservations at some mediocre restaurant for her birthday (because he had left it too late to get into a really good restaurant) and her daughters give her some lame, half hearted, thrown together, handmade birthday card. Now many mothers would praise anything their kids give them, and shower them with gratitude for the card. But instead she says:

“I don’t want this, I want a better one – one that you’ve put some thought and effort into. I have a special box, where I keep all my cards from you and this one can’t go in there”….” What if I gave you this for your birthday – would you like that? But I never would do that. No – I get you magicians and giant slides that cost me hundreds of dollars. I get you huge icecream cakes shaped like penguins, and I spend half my salary on stupid sticker and eraser party favours that everyone throws away. I work so hard to give you good birthdays! I deserve better than this. So I reject this.”

Wow. Hard core. But think about it…is it not true?? Why do we as mother’s lower our expectations and allow our kids (or other people for that matter) to treat us like that? Do we not deserve better? Do our children not need to learn how to treat us – which in turn influences how they treat their future spouses? Whenever I think I am being hard on my kids, I ask myself, do I really want them to accept the lowest common denominator? Or should I not teach them to expect more as they deserve more? I am trying to teach them their value – their infinite worth – so why should I undervalue my own? 

I shared the story with my kids, so from now on I expect incredible birthdays….

She goes on to say “It’s too idealistic to expect children to do the right thing on their own”. They need to be taught the proper way of doing things -and sometimes that means letting them know (maybe not so harshly though?? Although sometimes that seems to be the only way to be taken seriously?!). We teach people how to treat us – so if we want to be treated well, we need to demand that. Of course, I think we can make a much better point by not acting so poorly in demanding that respect. But the main point is valuable I think. 

So, when I heard the story of how disappointed these Moms were with Mother’s Day, this section of the book came to mind. And I still stand behind the fact that reading it was life changing for me.

I am pretty hard on my kids when it comes to special occasions: I have set the expectations for each occasion – and for each person. “Yes, you do need to do something for your brother’s birthday. I don’t care if you are not with us for her birthday, you still do something. No, you need to acknowledge both your Dad’s birthday and Father’s Day even though they sometimes fall on the same day.”

And you know what? My kids have lived up to those expectations.

Do they need reminding? Yes.

Do they sometimes need help? Yes.

Do they disappoint at times? Yes.

But they DO something. They know they are not expected to go out and buy something, or spends tons of money. But whatever they do HAS to take effort and it HAS to take thought. A card thrown together at the last minute doesn’t cut it.

However, to live up to those expectations, they need something else.

EXAMPLE.

They need to see both Rob and I doing it for each other, and also doing it for those who mean something to us.

They are not witness to lavish gifts, or grand gesture (although occasionally they do see some pretty sweet gifts:). But they do see handmade cards, poems, CDs, photos, sketches. They do see telephone calls, emails, and texts. They do see special meals, cakes, chocolates, flowers, and outings to celebrate. They see real effort and thoughtfulness.

I’m hoping that high expectations, combined with example, will help shape my kids into thoughtful, considerate human beings, who will one day make very good partners (and attract very good partners:)

I’m hoping that they learn the infinite worth of each individual and that they expect to be treated with that same respect. We teach people how to treat us. And how they treat us can often be a reflection of how they feel we treat them.

(and yes, I know there is controversy surrounding setting expectations… don’t get me started on that. My experience so far is that low expectations brings low results; the opposite holds true too:) Aim high.