Quote of the Week

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“Talent is insignificant. I know a lot of talented ruins. Beyond talent lies all the usual words: discipline, love, luck, but most of all, endurance.” James Baldwin

I thought this quote was the perfect one as this weekend was the official start of the summer soccer season. At least it was in my mind, despite the fact that the soccer season never stopped around here with Zach, Josh, and even Sam having soccer 1-3 times per week since the end of last year’s “season.”

But this weekend was the first official tournament. The start of many hours sitting by the sidelines cheering and yelling, and sitting on the edge of my seat.

Except this weekend it was “extreme soccer” I think – as Zach played in the snow! It was super cold. We were all wrapped in our winter gear and looked terribly attractive wrapped in blankets too.

But you would never know how freezing cold Zach was as he played some great games.

Now talent certainly has something to do with the skills these boys of mine bring to the soccer field (or “pitch” as Josh explained to me on the sidelines. He explained the ins and outs of the rules and soccer terms that he was horrified to find out that I still did not follow – and still don’t – sorry). But what I see more than their talent, is their drive, their ambition, their desire, their hardwork, their passion, their discipline and their endurance.

And that does make me relieved and proud. I do believe that talent is important, and I admire so many of the talents I see my kids have been blessed with, and are trying to develop even more.

But there are many washed up “talents” in the world. It is all the other characteristics that will carry them through life. I was relieved that they are busy developing those skills that WILL benefit them in whatever they choose to do. And I was proud – because they have already put so much into their game and are proving that they have what it takes to accomplish anything they are committed to.

Now if only the weather could warm up, then let the games begin!

The Third Force

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My marriage needs a vacation.

Ok, I know I’m over the top with my vacation needs, but hear me out how this little phrase developed.

This past weekend was our church’s semi annual conference. I love to sit and listen to so many great talks and words of wisdom. Don’t worry, even if you are not my religion – or any religion, you can gain a lot from conference. It’s a cheaper form of a TED conference:) (and better:)

Anyhow, there was an amazing talk about marriage (by Elder Whitney Clayton). My ears perk up whenever they talk about marriage in particular. Given this is both our second marriages, Rob and I  both feel this heightened awareness of how quickly things can go wrong, and how seriously you need to focus on your marriage to have a good one.

I listened to this talk, nodding my head in agreement to pretty much everything that he said.

All the kids weren’t with us to watch conference (we’ll be watching bits and pieces for family night over the next few months), but we were sharing with them items about the talk a a few days later.

What’s that you say? Sharing things about marriage with our 7-14 year old kids? Yup. Always. How else are they going to learn? They need some good examples, and they need some good discussions.

We talked about what struck us (Rob and me) the most about the message we head. Rob mentioned how marriage has to be the highest priority, the most valuable “possession” to each person. He talked about how even when he travels on business, his marriage comes with him. (How sweet is that? Don’t worry, I know a part of him is relieved to have a break from my constant chatter!) He told the kids that even when he is away, he is thinking about me (and them too  – but we’re talking about marriage here), makes sure to text me during the day, calls me before bed and in the morning. He does not “take a break” from our marriage when he travels for business or any other reason.

THAT reminded me of a fantastic excerpt from a great book that I talked about back here. I loved this part so much. In the book 10-10-10 by Suzy Welch, she talks about marriage: (I’m picking and choosing certain phrases, but it is all her stuff):

“… they made their relationship bigger than the both of them. And that’s how love looks in the most successful relationships, doesn’t it? It looks as if both partners love each other as individuals – but they love their love even more. They exalt it. They celebrate it. They talk about it as if it is the third force in the room, created by their merged commitment. They revere it and routinely and willingly make sacrifices for it.

She says… the “Third Force” theory comes from the book : “The Good Marriage” by Dr. Judith S. Wallerstein, who studies marriage and the results of one study  showed that  in virtually every successful marriage, the partners treated their union like a precious, separate entity deserving respect and nurture. In good marriages, the authors concluded, both partners treasure their collective identity more than their individuality”.

Good stuff.

Which is why I proceeded to tell the kids “that’s why every marriage needs a vacation”! It does! An extended, uninterrupted time together. The alone time as a couple is paramount to the happiness of the WHOLE family.

Although I do think every couple needs to get away ALONE together (regardless of the ages of your kids – trust me, they benefit from you being away just as much), you need to build in that same alone time on a daily basis. (At least weekly if you can’t find daily.)

There are ways for alone time if you make it a priority. That’s the key. It needs to be the biggest, most precious priority you both have. The third force. Then you’ll find ways to hug and kiss every day, text kind words, go to bed at the same time, share a few minutes of downtime before bed, meet each other for lunch, have a date night, cuddle on the couch, share a special look or glance across the table, dance while cleaning the dishes, go for a walk or run, shower together, leave each other notes …. Everyday things can be turned into precious alone time together. You need to take care of that third force  – always.

So, our marriage really DOES need a vacation…don’t worry…I’ve got one planned.

Quote of the Week

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“A person who is nice to you but is not nice to the waiter is not a nice person”

I was a little torn with this quote, because I hate to be teaching that there are “not nice people” out there. Because, I think fundamentally, people are good. Sometimes their good is just buried. Really deep. But I do want to teach about “finding the good in everyone.”

However, I felt like it was the right quote for my kids this week.

As they are getting older, they are encountering more people, making new friends, and having different experiences.

Truth be told, they will bump into some “not so nice people”. I do want them to seek out the good in all people. However, I want them to surround themselves with great people. Sometimes, it takes a little effort to see if someone is “great”.

Just because someone is kind to one person, or even kind to you – doesn’t tell the whole tale. The biggest test in kindness, is how they are with a whole bunch of people. It’s easy to be nice to your “best friend”, but how do they treat the “unpopular kid”, their brother, their neighbor, the old man in the grocery store, their ex, and even their waiter?

THAT is the true test.

As parents, it’s a big test for us too, because our children our learning how to treat others by watching how we treat others. So we better make sure we treat that waiter right.

Recipe: Cheesy Toast (with a sweet surprise)

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Ever looking for a little something different for breakfast?

I’m not sure where this came from – either my grandmother, or my Dad, but I remember having it occasionally growing up and it certainly was a treat.

BUT, stop reading now if you are looking for something super healthy. It’s not. It’s not terrible for you, but it’s not the breakfast of champions either:) My kids love it when we make it. Often I’ll make it for a “special occasion” breakfast – like a PA day or something like that (no school IS a special occasion).

It is super easy:

Bread
Cheese
Brown sugar

Toast the bread a bit under the broiler. Turn it over and layer with cheese. Sprinkle with brown sugar and then broil again until cheese is bubbly and sugar is a little caramelized.

So good. Enjoy!

Quote of the Week

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“Obedience to law is liberty.”

Plain and simple.

If we are living according to the laws of the land and the higher moral law, then we have freedom.

I think we often feel rules and guidelines and laws are restrictive. They prevent us from doing what we want to do, they control us, they limit us. That’s what we think.

But in fact, it’s the opposite. Obedience to laws brings freedom and happiness. It takes away worry and uncertainly. It builds security and esteem. It allows us to develop into who we were truly meant to be.

My work

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In addition to being a Mom and Stepmom, I work outside the home.

There’s a lot of opinions out there about being a stay-at-home Mom vs. a “working” Mom.

Quite honestly, I don’t give any of the opinions much credence either way. I get tired of hearing about all the “selfish Mom’s who work” , or the “Mom’s who obviously love their kids more because they choose to stay home”. I hear that kind of stuff I guess because I am a “working Mom” and am sensitive to it.

But, I’m guessing that the “Stay at home Mom’s” get tired of hearing a whole slew of things too (like “what DO you do ALL day”).

All I can say, is there are some great “working Mom’s” and some great “Stay at Home Mom’s” and all the mix in between and on the outside. And, then there are the not so great ones on the spectrum too.

I do what I do because that’s what I do. And that’s what I think is the best thing for my family. Lots of experiences, decisions, circumstances and thoughts have led me to where I am now. And things change all the time too.

The other day  I went to a Speech Pathology conference where I was able to be surrounded by some great colleagues. Many of these people are seriously accomplished. They have published articles, books and tests. They are presidents of associations, chairs of boards, run their own practices, travel to present at conferences, lead the way with research, lobby to get laws changed, and impact thousands of lives on a daily basis.

I feel blessed to be part of this profession and specifically this area of specialization (brain injury). However, as I looked around the table I was at, and listened to some of the speakers, the thoughts of “I should be doing more” came into my mind. “I need to do research”, “I need to publish”, and “I can do that” and even “I can do that way better:))” kept popping into my mind.

It almost got me feeling a little bit sad. Like I was not living up to my potential. I have been blessed to have an excellent education, amazing mentors, a great clientele and private practice. Should I not be doing more? Should I not be working at pushing myself to do more, become more accomplished, more recognized, more of a leader in my field?

Then, like a loud speaker in my head came the words: “No, you are needed at home. You are doing what you need to be doing. You need to be with your family now. Listen, learn and participate, but your priorities right now are where they should be.”

Now this is not the first time I have had that feeling (just maybe not with the loudspeaker in my head). In fact, I think I’ve written about it before too. It seems to me that every so often I start to doubt the spot or the stage I am in. I start to feel I’m not measuring up to some expectations I have of myself. I start to question if I am successful, or living up to my potential, or need to be doing more.

And every single time, I receive a very direct and comforting message: I am exactly where I am supposed to be. In the thick of raising my family. Draw a circle around myself because this is where I need to be.

Yes, I work outside the home. Yes, I enjoy it. Yes, it stimulates my mind, challenges me, engages me and allows me to help others. And yes, financially it is rewarding too.

But nothing can compare to the joy I get from being a Mom. Nothing can compare to the stimulation, challenges, fun and service I get to provide on a daily basis. (Nothing can come close to the heartache, frustration and worry either:)

So, after the loud speaker message in my head, I sat back and enjoyed the rest of the  conference. I enjoyed  what I learned, I enjoyed interacting with my wonderful colleagues, and I enjoyed the dessert table.

And then I enjoyed coming home.

Home. The most important work I will ever do is within the walls of my own home. It’s nice to be reminded of that. (And I was reminded of that yesterday too when the first speaker for my church’s semi annual conference said it in his talk – hmmm…I must have needed to hear it).

Happy Mom moments

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I can’t tell you how it makes me smile when I get a text like this from one of my kids.

I try so hard to be mindful of the beauty in the world on a daily basis – something that doesn’t always come easy to me. But, I try. And I try to positively influence my kids so that it will come more naturally for them.

When I get a text like this, I know that they have internalized the message I am trying to send (or be an example of) and now they support and inspire me.

I think we have the travel bug

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See this map? It’s hanging over Zach’s bed.

Zach drew it.

By hand.

It has all the capitals listed as well.

I’m impressed.

He told me the other night that by the time he was my age, he will have “owned me” when it comes to travel (since I only started travelling at 18plus, and he, as an 11 year old, has already hit a few places.)

I think the travel gene as been passed along to all of my kids, considering how excited we all were to watch 3 episodes of the  “Amazing Race” that we recorded while we were gone.

Happy that it is deeply embedded in them (at least a few of them:)

Quote of the Week

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“If you don’t build your dream, someone will hire you to help build theirs”

I liked this quote when I read it.

I like having dreams (which really is code for “goals” with me) and I like it when my kids share their dreams with me.

I really really really want them to know that it is possible for them to attain their dreams.

But it takes work, and commitment, and imagination.

And you need to invest that work, commitment and imagination into something that you want, otherwise you really will end up living someone else’s dream. It’s ok to help and support others. In fact, part of your dream can be helping someone attain their dream (as a parent my dream is to help build my children’s dreams too), but you need to make sure that you are the leader in your own life.

Gabe certainly has a dream  – and it has to do with airplanes. Can you tell?

Go Gabe go!! (I mean attain your dream. You need to stop buying models though:))

It helps if your kids’ dreams support your dreams too:) Gonna love those flight discounts!

Back to reality

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Can you tell that I’m in “catch up mode”?

I’ve gone from daily posting about amazing adventures on vacation, to hibernation trying to catch up with life.

That’s the toughest thing about coming back from vacation! So much to catch up on.

Emails, mail, messages, work, work, work, homework, groceries, laundry, and all the things that I put in the “I’ll deal with when we get back” category (taxes, mortgage renewal, doctors appointments, school interviews…it’s been a busy week).

So, I’m almost there – I think. Soon I  can get back to blogging the mundane life that I actually enjoy quite a bit:)

Truth be told, the hardest part about coming home from a long trip like we just went on was as Zandra said so eloquently tonight (the first time we have essentially seen the kids since we stepped off the plane a week ago): “It’s hard to spend so much time with you guys – over 2 weeks – to not see you for a week.”

It’s hard for us for sure, and I guess it’s hard for them too.

Those are some of the “unfortunates” of  divorce. Zach has always said it, “It sucks that there is always one parent you are missing. You can’t go anywhere without missing someone.”

Sorry bud. I agree. It sucks.

Glad we have them all tucked away tonight (but only for 1 night as Rob goes away on business so we lose “our nights” this week).