Natural Consequences?

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I was in another team meeting the other day discussing the significant behaviour challenges of one of my 11 year old clients.

The behaviour therapist was asking the child’s Mom about the consequences that she gives her son for these behaviours.

Long story short, the answer was none.

The behaviour therapist leaned a little forward in her chair and shared these words of wisdom: “You know consequences really shape behaviour.”

She then went on to explain how children need consequences and need to know what the consequences are, so they can make better choices by thinking about the consequences.

I totally agree with her line of thinking. I am a firm believer in consequences. Natural consequences are often the best. I don’t like the word “punishment” as that implies that someone else is doing something to you. “Consequence” is the natural fall out of doing something or not doing something.

I guess her statement hit me, as I have been struggling with the idea of consequences recently.

I mean, I can tell my kids there are consequences to their actions and they will have to live with the consequences etc. and I believe it.

But do I  really think about the consequences to MY actions now?  Do I really believe that certain consequences will happen, and does that really shape my behaviour now? The natural fall out of the things I do now might have consequences on me and my family later – but do I give that enough weight? Or do I just go with what feels right now?

What about the consequences of others that end up falling on me, or my kids? How do you deal with the natural consequences from other people’s decisions? Do you try to compensate or make up for the consequences that other people get or give? Do you become victim to them? Do you fight them?

I’ll give you an example with what I am struggling with.

It goes back to divorce (oh my, everything can go back to divorce).

When I divorced, I stayed in my neighborhood. My ex CHOSE to move to a different neighborhood. It was purely his decision and at the time I was happy not to see him around my hood. But, I knew that eventually, him living away would be a pain as my kids got older.

Fast forward a few years later and he has moved multiple times, but each time to neighborhoods that are not super close by. In his most recent move I mentioned to him that he might consider a neighborhood that was a bit closer to us as the kids would be getting older and wanting more independence, wanting to be with their friends more, closer to school for activities etc.

Now, I know I have no say in where he lives. He obviously chose to live where he chose to live. But, sure enough, I curse where he lives when I sit in traffic every Friday night to bring the boys out to him (luckily I only do it once per week – he does it multiple times) and he is starting to feel the frustration too because the boys are starting to complain more, and need to be at activities earlier and later so not living around the corner becomes a bigger challenge. So, the consequences of his choice, are ones that we all have to endure.

It’s the exact same situation for Rob’s kids as their Mom lives in a different neighbourhood too. So on “her days”, they don’t get to hang around with their friends after school, they have to endure the back and forth driving, they have to be picked up at times (sometimes leaving school early) to accommodate a driving schedule. And it makes me crazy when they hear how much gas it takes to drive them around to all the places they want to go that are near their school neighbourhood (which is our neighbourhood). You spend the gas because you chose to live where you chose to live!

I know these are petty little examples, but they keep coming up!

And this bugs me. It bugs me that someone else makes choices that affect our lives or the lives of our children. It bugs me that sometimes I will “warn” my kids or someone else about the inevitable consequences and they make the choice anyways and then come to me to try to fix it. Or come to me to try to make it better or to compensate for it.

And trust me, I know that I make choices too where other people have to pick up the slack, or my kids pay the price. We all do. I guess it is part of “life is not always fair.” (But today, I’m pouring my heart out about what bugs me – but I did want to acknowledge that I recognize that someone else may be complaining about me!)

I know this is a bit of a whiny post, but I question what to do in some cases? Do you just say “I told you so” to the other party and let them suck it up and deal with whatever consequences they have? Or do you try to make it better for them by compensating and fixing things? Will they learn if you compensate? Is it your place to make sure they learn?

If I warn you: if you eat that, you will be sick – do I stay up all night comforting your aching belly? If I warn you: if you don’t save your money, you will have no money to spend – do I pay for things when you have no money at a later date? If I warn you that: that kid is going to hurt you, do I seek revenge on them with you when they do hurt you or feel sorry for you?

Where do you draw the line between letting consequences play out naturally, versus being a safety net for someone? Where do you draw the line between compensating for someone else’s choices, or smiling and saying “karma”?

Just a little something I have been struggling with.

Quote of the Week

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A few weeks ago Zandra went to a Girl’s Conference put on by our church.

The theme was “Be-YOU-tiful.” It was all about understanding beauty, recognizing your true beauty and seeing the inner beauty in everyone.
It was about an hour away, so on our drive home, Zandra shared with me all that she had learned by reading me the notes she had taken. It promoted an amazing discussion about beauty, self esteem, self respect, confidence, media and perspective.
She had some GREAT quotes – many of which I will steal in weeks to come:)
The one that struck me this time was:
“What you see depends mainly on what you look for.”
Isn’t that good?
It is applicable in so many ways!!
If we look for flaws in ourselves and others – we will surely find. If we look for beauty – we will find it everywhere too.
But it goes so much deeper than looking at ourselves superficially.

It’s how we look at life, as a whole.

Do you ever notice some people have constant drama in their lives? Do you ever notice some people really do have constant drama – but it’s not that big of a deal?
Or some people just always seem to have more problems – and there is never any solution that they could try? Or some people just shoot solutions down without even really considering them?
Some people are surrounded by black clouds? Some have a negative aura?
Yet some people radiate light, and kindness and good. Some people you just want to be in their presence. 
Perhaps it’s all a function of what these people look for in their own lives.
Some people just look for the positives in everything.
That is really hard to do. It can sometimes be really annoying to be around those people who do it too. We often may think that they are being fake. Which sometimes they are.
But when I heard this quote, it struck me hard. We are a product of our thoughts. We are a product of what we surround ourselves with – and who we surround ourselves with. We are a product of what we focus on, invest our time in, and what we look for.
If we look for the good, we shall find it. 
The “bad” is always there too, but it’s a question of what do we want to highlight and magnify? 
Which side of us do we choose to feed? The dark side or the light side? 
We are not victims who have to succumb to the environment around us. It will influence us for sure, but we have the ability to choose to look for good, to focus on that good and to look in the mirror and focus on the beauty rather than the flaws.

Monthly Snaps of Life

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It has been a while since I downloaded my iphone pictures onto my monthly snaps…it is more like 2 monthly snaps! But these are two months I hate to miss all the in between – real life – moments.

Big boys off to overnight camp, little boys off to soccer (day) camp with a buddy, soccer awards, getting home from an awesome time at camp!
Josh played “only child” a lot this past summer – feeding dog, sushi date, Taste of Danforth, Zach and Rob running ahead of me as usual (and turned to say to me two secs after I took this photo “are you seriously taking pictures???”), Taste of Danforth daytime (festival in our neighbourhood), laundry day
A Candy poster made FOR me (I got two in one week as my sweet friends did one for me too! I can’t find the pic though:( – what are the chances – never getting one to two in one week!!!), Tennis camp (we had my Godson and his bro come and stay with us for a week and they all went to tennis camp) and baseball games, and for ice cream. Poor Reggie, “What about me with all these kids?”, “I’m glad we don’t have seven kids Robbie McHottie, I’m tired”.
Zach’s soccer tournament, Zandra feeding birdie (in church, no less),  I think Reggie is settling in well, guard dog Reggie keeping Josh all locked up, Baby Reggie, Reggie loves the stories, Josh’s soccer team, Josh’s best soccer buds, “Only Child” Sam scores a Thai dinner out. 

5K – Yay us!

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Last year I participated in a 5K for a very worthy cause that is dear to my heart, brain injury. It was the 2nd annual BIST (Brain Injury Society of Toronto) run.

It was a good race; I got it done, but I hadn’t really trained for it and so I ended up walking a chunk of it. I vowed that next year I would be prepared and I would run it all.

This year I tried to enlist some of my favourite boys and two (Rob and Zach) decided to join me on the 3rd Annual Bist Run 

We got our butts up and out during the summer  – even on vacation –  to train.

I can’t tell you that running is easy for me. It is SO not easy. But I felt like I needed to know I could do it.

Zach also joined the school Cross Country Team so was a trooper when he would get up early to run with me (well, ahead of me), have to run for Cross Country, and then run in gym class! Top that off with a soccer game in the evenings and he was pooped!

The morning of the run, we woke up to pouring rain:(

Honestly, Rob and I would have rolled over and gone back to sleep. But Zach, for days, had been saying things like, “I can’t wait for the 5K this weekend” or “Are you excited to run the 5K Mom?” or “How fast are you going to run it Mom?”

Obviously, we were going.

Zach was at his Dad’s, so we planned to meet him there. Things weren’t looking so hot when 45 minutes before the race his Dad called to say that the highway was closed and they were stuck in the traffic on the side roads. I knew Zach would be so disappointed if he couldn’t run.

Enter the power of prayer.

He showed up with enough time for a few pictures.

I reminded him it was “You vs You”. He reminded me it was “You vs. You vs. The Rest of the World”.

We took off. It was raining. There were serious puddles. I saw Zach run off and step into some major puddles. Of course, I yelled out, “Watch the puddles, Sweetie”! (What? Should I not be yelling that out to a 12 year old at a race??)

Anyhow, Rob and I kept a steady pace. Luckily (this sounds awful, but I mean it in the kindest way), Rob’s knee was hurting (knee injury that has never fully recovered) and he stayed with me. In fact, (this is more awful), I took advantage of his injury and pulled out in the last kilometre so I could beat him (but I held his jacket for him….).

I finished! I ran the whole way! I was so proud of myself. I was so proud of Robbie and his bum knee.

And I was totally super duper proud of my little guy who finished at 26:01 and was waiting for me at the finish line! The pictures were scarce as Josh was given the task of holding my phone and taking our pictures, but unfortunately he LOST my phone and so his Dad did the picture taking at the last second (we did find my phone, luckily…)

It was Zach’s first 5K (and really mine too), so we took the advice from Allie over at VitaTrain4Life (Love that girl! Such a inspiration!) and recorded our times on our bibs and will keep them to mark our first 5Ks!

Yay us!

Watching Them Grow

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My kids are getting older.

That’s a fact. No matter how much I tell them they need to stop growing, they continue to do so, against my will. And I haven’t figured out how to stop them.

I see people all around me with young kids. I read blogs of women with young kids, and I sort of feel a little, well, old. And a bit sad too. That phase of my life is slipping by. The phase when I am needed to walk them to school, or when they run to greet me at home (although my greetings are still pretty great!) When they look at me and think I’m their hero. We are almost through that stage.

But, can I just say what an amazing stage this next stage is? These past couple of weeks I have sat back and really just marvelled at how these little people are becoming great people! The kind of people that I promise you, you want to know!!

I am slowly watching them grow taller than me. Eat more than me. Stay up later than me. Become smarter than me.

They are becoming their own people. They are finding their own groove, their own spirit, and their own niche.

And it is so fun to watch that all unravel.

Gabe has been going through so many phases these past couple of years and it has been amazing to watch.

Gabe has always been a bit of a pleaser. That’s not an easy role to play when you are a child from divorce, living in two very different households. You want to please everyone, but you really can’t without sacrificing a piece of yourself.

But recently, he has been arguing. Starting debates. Disagreeing. Asking questions. Questioning beliefs, theories and “givens”. This has been sweet music to my ears. This has given us the opportunity to have some great discussions, learn from each other, teach and model respect, and help him follow (and create) a logical argument. We have seen how his views are changing and being shaped and seeing the kind of solid man he is becoming. I’m happy to report, a solid man just like his Dad.

He has also been figuring out “his thing”. Making new friends, joining new clubs, reading new things. We have been through a pilot/airplane phase, a news/journalist phase, and now are in an stock/investing phase. I call them “phases” as he gets very intensely involved in learning about something and throws himself into it. That is not to say that these “phases” won’t stick with him – as he still loves planes and news, but right now he is throwing himself into learning about stocks and investing. Every day he comes home to tell me something new he has read, or reports on how his virtual stock portfolio is doing (quite well, in case you are wondering). Everyday he is getting smarter and smarter, and I now need to go and look up  what he is talking about.

There is nothing better for a parent than to watch their kids blossom and discover who they are. I know that they are great, but for them to start to realize that potential is amazing.

So, they may not be greeting me at the door with hugs and slobbery kisses anymore, but I still get a hug, AND I get to find out how their mind grew that day, who won the last debate they were having, and how their stock portfolio is performing. I get to expand my mind by learning about their interests, sharing in their dreams and being their biggest cheerleader.

Pretty awesome.

Doesn’t he just look so thrilled about being hugged?

Quote of the Week

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“Stop trying to demand respect, and start working on building a relationship that naturally creates it.”

Do you have some people in your life who are always going on about how they want to be respected?They may feel like they don’t have the respect that they deserve at home, or at work, or with friends. I have seen some coaches talk and talk and talk to their team about how they MUST respect the coach, they need to learn to respect them. I have heard teachers say the same thing to their students too. Lecture the kids about how they need to learn respect.

I have a little theory about this.

Those who talk so much about how they want respect, complain that they are not given respect, or lecture about how everyone else needs to learn to respect them —- these are the folks that often have problems giving respect. They are the ones who often have problems creating respectful relationships.

Respect is earned.

You want it? Then give it. And you will likely get it back.

Stop trying to force someone to respect you.

Start creating a relationship where respect is inevitable.

Of course, that is not to say that we don’t need to teach our children what respect looks like. Of course we do! But the best way to do that, is to create a respectful relationship with them and create respectful relationships around them.

List of Traditions

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Today I’m supposed to be posting a “Helpful List” with the Mini Blog Challenge over at Rx Fitness Lady.

I can make lots of lists, but usually they are only helpful if you can complete them for me! But to GIVE a helpful list? More of a challenge.

I decided to write a list of the top 10 favourite traditions we have in our family that they all seem to love (so that’s helpful, right?)

1. Family Night
Every single week, we try to have a Family Night. Families are a big thing in our faith and we are encouraged to hold weekly family home evenings as an opportunity to share and teach. We run ours in a particular structure, starting with one of the kids welcoming everyone and then “chairing the meeting.” We share and discuss our “Quote of the Week, then discuss “family business” (who has tests, what activities are going on, who’s going where) and then discuss some sort of topic. It can range from something spiritual, to something practical (we have been reviewing social media and social skills in recent weeks). Then finally, the part that everyone really waits for, family night treat. It’s got to be something special too – my kids are pretty strict on that!

2. Quote of the Week
Every week, I try to post a blog post on our “Quote of the Week.” Every week, I try to find a quote that jumps out at me, or sometimes the kids will find one and text it to me or tell it to me. I write it on a card, then on the other side of the card explain what I think it means, or write a little message to them. We read it during family night, then it gets posted in our kitchen for 2 weeks (we always keep 2 up at a time). In the month of December, we put ALL of them up on our wall,  and everyone re-reads them and picks their favourite for the year.

3. Surprise Dinners
I’m not sure how this one got it’s name, but basically every second Sunday one of the kids finds a recipe they want to cook (they used to use cookbooks, but now they use Pinterest), and we cook it together to serve to the family. They get to pick whatever they want – even if I hate it. Trust me, we have had some strange meals (spaghetti tacos, anyone?), but some amazing ones too. Some of the kids go over the top. Josh for example always picks a main to make, dessert and usually some kind of snazzy drink too! Just this past Sunday Gabe made a really good Mexican Tortilla Casserole.


4. Valentine’s Day
Valentine’s is a biggie in our house; you can read all about it here. Let’s start with the romantic duo: Rob and me. We celebrate on the weekend closest to Valentine’s on a night with no kids and find a hotel right here in the city that we have never stayed in and spend the night! It honestly feels like a total getaway!

With the kids, we do a few things too. Firstly, I make them each a yearly photobook that captures all their memories of the previous year. In the book, I also include a little summary of their year (who their teachers were, what sports they played, what kind of cake for their bday etc.) and Rob and I each write a little letter to them. We then write on little heart post-its little things that we love about them and plaster them all over the kitchen. Finally, we serve them up a steak and poutine dinner.

5. Vacation Traditions
We have tried to start the tradition of heading to the Outer Banks, and hope that this tradition carries over for many years to come. We have our traditional meals, traditional nighttime routines, and traditional favourite beaches!

6. One on One Dates
This is one that all the kids love (and we do too), but life gets busy and it is hard to stay on top of it (although the kids like to remind us of this one). We each try to take out each of the kids individually for some one on one time. Usually it is out for lunch, or dinner, but occasionally it has been to a movie, museum or excursion. It’s great to have time just the two of you, especially when it’s easy to get lost in the shuffle of a big family.

7. CDF Tennis Tournament: Our annual Tennis tournament is always a hit! We just recently had it and I talked about it here.

Around Christmas, we have a ton of traditions. From Christmas cookies, to acting out the Nativity of Christmas Eve. We all love to take our wagon down to the local church and pick out a Christmas tree and a small Charlie Brown tree for the big boys’ room upstairs (they share a loft on our top floor which is often a main “play space” for everyone). We love our Christmas Eve buffet and the traditional dinner. But here are some specific faves:

8. Pyjama Drive, Christmas lights and hot  chocolate
A couple of weeks before Christmas everyone gets some new pyjamas, puts them on, piles in the car with some yummy hot chocolate and we go deliver some Christmas cookies to friends. We love to head over to one of my best girlfriend’ s homes because across the street she has neighbours who do the craziest Christmas decorations! They are always voted the best (or the worst, depending on how you look at it). We like to head to different areas and ooh and ahh (and boo) all the lights.

9. Quiet Elfie
The Elf on the Shelf has created quite a controversy in the media in years past, but let me tell you, our Elf rocks!! We named him Quiet Elfie and he has been known to bring some new movies or a new series of Gilmore Girls (which we have made a tradition of watching together). He hides in the best places – in trees in our yard even! Last year, he was mistakenly pushed and ended up breaking his arm! He has listened to many secrets and always been the kindest Elf ever.

10. Secret Santas
The advantage of a larger family (although more kids would have made this one even more fun) is that we can do things like draw names to play Secret Santa. The kids draw a name at the beginning of December and have to do special things for their Secret Santa (make their bed, put toothpaste on their toothbrush, do their chores) and give them little things (little treats, make them something cute, leave a little note). Then, for Christmas, they buy their Secret Santa a gift and reveal themselves. Of course, by then it is not a surprise (by day 2 it is usually not a surprise anymore!) They really do love the excitement of both giving and receiving!

That’s a list of my faves! What traditions do you have in your family?

10 Years ago

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Today’s prompt from Rx Fitness Lady’s Blog challenge: Throwback Thursday: “Ten Years”

10 years ago.

Not the year I would have chosen as a flashback!
Although one of the best days of my life occurred on February 7, 2003 when my boy, known for several years as “Baby Josh”,  entered into this world, kicking and screaming. He didn’t stop screaming the whole year. And I’m not joking.

Zach was almost 19 months when Josh was born and was a big help. He loved “his baby”, and often tried to get him to stop crying (and also tried to suffocate him with a blanket – I caught that one on video. He also tried to roll him off the bed, and I have the cutest picture of him reaching out to do it – but then had to drop the camera to stop the actual transgression!)
I was off work for the whole year, which was so awesome to get to spend those special days with both my boys. Unfortunately, Toronto was hit by the SARS epidemic so the city shut down and formal activities were cancelled, but we still found enough to do! Lots of walking, long days in the park, and just hanging out at home. Special memories.  
We also spent the early months of Josh’s life travelling back and forth to Montreal, as my father was diagnosed with cancer and not given much time to live. 
It was bittersweet – having a newborn child, and losing my father. But being on mat leave meant I was able to spend hours and days and weeks at his bedside. I was there right up until the second he took his last breath. It was a privilege, but a very difficult time.
The summer brought the famous black out that hit Toronto and much of the Northeastern States. It was a big deal as one of my best friends was getting married that weekend and so the blackout was wreaking havoc on the plans! It was a sign of things to come I guess, as she ended up divorcing 2 years later at the exact same time as me.
The fall brought more grief than I even care to remember. Put it this way, the greatest marital betrayal that can ever occur, was confirmed late one night.  I struggled to stay afloat, to take care of my babies, to mourn the loss of my father and support my mother. I also chose to stay in a marriage that I likely  should have left – with promises of change and new beginnings. It was a decision that haunted me in the years to come, especially when my marriage ended 2 years later.

By winter, I was determined to make Josh’s first Christmas a great one, and succeeded. Zach spent this Christmas as an excited 2 year old. I spent it torn up by loss and grief, but struggled to keep it all together with a hope towards a new year.

Who knew that 10 years later I would be writing this post. That I’d be in such a different place; in such a good place. My father must have been on the edge of his seat watching these 10 years unfold in my life – seeing me walk through the darkest valleys, but climb the highest peaks, and end up in a place far more beautiful than I could have ever imagined.

I’m so grateful for the gift and the power of time.

Schooling Reggie

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Today I’m linking up with Joi again over at Rx Fitness Lady, with the task of writing a humorous post.

However,  I can’t do humour on command.

But, I feel like I am constantly surrounded by humour everyday. Live with 5 kids and there is a whole lot of laughter that happens! So many things make me smile.

Like this:

This is what happens when I force my children to read.

I think Reggie is really liking the story.

PS. In case you are wondering if I am a bad speller, I am not (for the most part). I am a Canadian speller: Which means humor is humour and neighbor is neighbour and color is colour:) U get what I’m saying?

Sharing Our Story Part 2

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Today, I’m back with my friend Heather at Bonding a Blended Family with part two of our blending story.

I am also linking up with my friend Joi, Rx Fitness Lady for her blogging mini party, with today’s topic: “Write a Controversial Post.”

I actually thought “Sharing Our Story – Part Two” was perfect for this post.

How so? Nothing controversial about blending a family, right?

Wrong.

It can be very controversial.

In fact, even the concept of “blending” screams debate.

Is it even possible to blend? Why are you trying to blend? Are you forcing an identity on two families? Should you not be respecting the roots of the two families? Did you not know that the order of love hierarchy should be: your kids, your husband, then your step kids (and don’t worry, you just have to tolerate them)? And did you not know that you should not be involved in disciplining your step kids? If you do, you’re a terrible person.

We took a beating. Everyone feels because you are new to this whole blended thing, they can make observations and comments (to be helpful, of course). I mean, the things people say to you! The things people say to your kids!

I especially appreciated the people who advised my step kids that they didn’t have to listen to me as I really had no role in their lives.

They loved being asked if their Stepmom was mean. Constantly. Still, to this day. Thank you Cinderella and Snow White.

I especially loved when a counsellor told my husband that unless he was taking HIS kids to school on HIS days, then he should not be walking MY kids to school with me (they all go to the same school). She was a counsellor specialized in divorce and step families. I think her first job must have been with Cinderella’s family.

I really loved being criticized for trying to keep my kids on an even playing field with gifts and material things and setting my own rules in my own house for ALL the kids. Can I let you know what I think of YOUR rules in YOUR family? Maybe I’ll just pull your kids over to the side and let them know I think you are too strict and if you actually loved them, you would act differently.

According to many of the books I’ve read, we blended and are blending all wrong. We have made so many no-no’s, we must have scarred our children for life!

Seriously though, we have made many many mistakes – and will make many more. But, the path we have chosen, is the right one for us. It may be controversial  to some, but it works for us.

Please join me as we share Part 2 of the “CDF Tell All.”