LOL! Had to post this because it is so fitting in our lives (all the time)! I know some can relate….
Have a great day!
Reply
I’m constantly struggling with “forcing” my child to do something, and letting them exercise their own freedom to choose.
Zach came to me at the start of the school year and informed me he didn’t want to do guitar lessons anymore.
Last year he begged me for them. He took them, then did really well.
Now, he’s done with them.
“Why”?, I asked.
No reason really. “Guitar is boring”.
I went through all the reasons as to why I wanted to him to keep taking the lessons: commitment, learning music, good for your brain, discipline etc.etc.
Rob just smiled and said “Ok Tiger Mom” as Zach and I debated fiercely (by then the tears had come out).
Thanks for the support Robbie.
I am NOT a Tiger Mom I told them both,
I just fear my children’s “Future Selves”.
I imagine them coming to me and saying “Why didn’t you make me stick it out and play guitar?”, “Why did you allow me to quit”.
We all know those people who say “I wish my parents had….”.
I told Zach I worried his “Future Self” would resent me for not encouraging (read: forcing) him to stick with the guitar.
He reassured me that he would tell his “Future Self” to not ever say a word to me.
We compromised on him taking lessons until Christmas and reevaluating (and he made me promise I would not lecture him on quitting something halfway through the year). I figure he had a break over the summer, so maybe he’s just gottne out of the routine and once he’s back in it, he’ll like it again!
I not-so-secretly hope he will want to keep going.
I think that with many things, it only becomes enjoyable at a certain level. You have to buckle down and do the work before you can enjoy it.
But it feels like a very fine line I am walking: being the Tiger Mom vs being the Pushover Mom. Not always sure which way to go.
I just want my kids to have as many opportunities to develop as many skills and talents as they possibly can. At some point, I guess we turn the reigns over to them, I’m just not so sure when exactly.
To cover my mothering butt, I want my “Future Zach” to know that whatever you end up doing about guitar in the near future, your loving mother tried to convince you to keep going as I thought you had some good musical talent. I hope, dear future Zach, that you listened to your wise mother:)
And if you didn’t, your “Past Zach” promised that your “Future Zach ” would not give me any grief over not forcing you. I hope I made the right choice. Maybe your payback will be a kid just like you:)))
Love, Your Mom (past, present and future).
Uh oh. I think I struck a nerve from my post here.
I wish people would share their comments right on my blog because you readers have some amazing perspectives to share and would benefit others! But thank you for the Facebook comments and the private emails.
I guess the first thing I want to clarify is that if you are a “Good friend”, it does not mean you’re a “Bad Mom”. And vice versa – not all “Bad friends” are “Good Moms”. It was just a cute cartoon:)))
But I do think it speaks to the choices we make, as one wise reader suggested.
Did I choose to set out and be a “Bad friend”? No. Never.
I was going to do it all.
Be a loving wife. Be a great Mom. Be a perfect Step Mom (this was added to my list much later on in life)! A devoted daughter, sister, aunt and Godmother. A wonderful daughter in law, sister in law and ex-wife (?!?!). A considerate and constantly available friend. A stellar Speech Pathologist and self employed business woman. An amazing cook and baker. A woman who kept a house of order, a rock solid body, a mind constantly challenged, a spirit fully nourished, at all times. A volunteer at church, at school and in the community. An avid reader, writer and runner. A musician, tutor, home decorator, crafter, and developing artist and photographer…..
You get the point. If I could be it all, I would.
But I am not super woman.
And hats off to all of you who can do it all!
But for me, somewhere along the way, I let some things slip.
In all areas.
Sometimes I AM a bad Mom. I do forget to call my own mother. I am a terrible sister and aunt! I have forgotten friend’s birthdays, been distracted with my clients, left the house in shambles, burned the most basic recipes – (and served them anyways), fed my kids cereal for dinner (actually just told them to get it themselves), not finished a book in months, stared in the mirror wondering how I could get rid of my pooch without really having to exercise, winged it in my church calling, not signed up to volunteer at the school fair and, have run on terrible sleep for YEARS.
Conscious choices? Initially, no. Eventually, yes.
I chose to realize I can’t do it all.
At least I can’t do it all NOW.
There is a season. And somethings may not take top priority in this season.
That does not mean I don’t do my best to try to squeeze in as much as I can the best way I can.
But it does mean I will not beat myself up over it. I will treat myself kindly and not let guilt get the better of me. I will accept the seasons and I will embrace the things that I feel are the top priorities in my life now.
We all have different priorities as we all have different needs. And our priorities do shift as time goes on and we enter different seasons.
And I do know how important friendship is. And I do greatly value my friends (I think some interpreted my post as not valuing friendships??). And I do try to be a good friend. But sometimes I let others down, and I am a crappy friend…. I am very very aware of how friends can be there when/if your life falls apart. Or to just be there to celebrate the big and the little. Or to have a quick pick me up. To have fun. Or to understand when no one else can. Or to be there for them too!We all need and want friends in our lives. So we all need to nourish our friendships. I am so grateful to have my friends. I value my friends greatly. I just hope that they are also the friends who understand and not judge me when I have a hard time balancing it all. And certainly not write me off because I can’t seem to balance my life the way they choose to balance theirs.
There are many competing demands in my life right now, and I recognize the importance in all of them. However, there are only a handful that I feel I can put on my main plate. I have chosen to put being a wife and mother on my main plate and let everything else fall into the appetizer, salad, side dish and dessert plates (and let’s be real, those dishes are some of my favorite and a meal would not be the same without them)! But the main dish is what gets eaten every day and night, consistently, so I don’t go to bed hungry at night and so I don’t run on empty during the day.
Thanks for sharing your perspectives. I’m glad my post allowed some of you the permission to live in your season guilt free and know that I will always still be your friend – forever. I’m sorry that some of you felt slighted or offended or marginalized. I hope I’ll still be your friend regardless:) We all do make different choices, but maybe we all are also not all living in the same season.
Or hey – maybe we’re all just unique people with different needs, wants, characters, values, dreams and goals? That’s the beauty of friendship – to share all our differences and love each other anyway.
Here’s what we have been up to:
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| Rob finished off coaching Sam’s Soccer |
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| Sam was a star! |
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| Love his face after he just scored! |
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| A little backwards kick |
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| And a celebration dance! |
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| Best coach in the world! |
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| Josh playing his last game of the season |
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| Always full of fancy moves! |
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| And the Davidson tongue comes out! |
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| Sorry coach…need to do what I need to do… |
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| Cheer for their final game |
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| He always tries to skip us! |
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| The league champions! |
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| On to Zach’s game! |
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| Serious look on his face! |
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| Sweet kick – too bad it’s so blurry:( |
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| Always on the go |
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| Waiting for the next game to start… |
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| Signing shirts at the banquet |
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| Lining up for medals |
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| Best coaches! Coach Peter and Coach Andrew |
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| Can you see the medal?? It’s teeny!! (It’s just the participation medal!) |
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| Wearing the scarf that he won |
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| The whole package! |
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| This is what Zandra was doing while watching all the soccer games! Hair! |
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| Celebrating the semi final win! |
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| And they all fall down |
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| Getting medals from Coach Rob! |
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| The star! |
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| Hmm…not what I meant by “Get in the car, we are late for church!) |
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| Morning run |
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| Zandra’s surprise dinner! |
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| Getting ready to run the 5K for BIST |
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| Rob finished before me so could take this pic! |
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| Gabe and Rob went fishing with the YM |
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| Serious fisherman! |
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| Yes, a Bunny and Cow dancing in the kitchen |
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| Starting to prep for Halloween. Aunt Judy had to forward us the costumes from the States as they would not ship to Canada! |
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| I think he really likes being a Bunny |
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| I mean like – really likes. Sitting and watching TV like this! |
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| Heading to church looking very handsome |
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| So thrilled to be having his picture taken. But oh so cute!!! |
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| All right Mom, I’ll smile!!! |
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| Getting the trophy for winning the U9 League Championship: 12 games won, 1 tied and 1 lost |
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| Josh receiving the big trophy for being one of two MVPs!! |
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| Proud MVP with the cup! |
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| With Coach Andrew! |
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| Typical Josh! |
“Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever“. Gandhi
At my father’s funeral nearly 10 years ago, my brother borrowed from Stephen Covey’s “First Things First” statement “To Live. To Love. To Learn. To leave a Legacy”.
This was perfect for my Dad, and my brother summarized my Dad’s life according to how he lived those values.
The one that always jumps out at me and reminds me of my Dad is “To Learn”.
My Dad failed grade 1. Left school at the ripe old age of 14 to work. Printed his name wrong on a job application. He was not the smartest cookie in the box, I’m sure his teachers and parents would have said.
Yet he went on to not only go back and complete high school at night, but to get an undergraduate degree, and then finally a Masters degree when I was two years old.
He became a Teacher. He took courses when he retired. He even took the same accounting course that I took when I was in College!
He was an avid reader, a wonderful writer (although his spelling was always a bit questionable), a confident speaker, and a scriptorian.
He taught his whole life, and he learned his whole life. I have never met anyone as committed to learning as he was.
When I saw this quote, I immediately thought of my Dad.
He certainly learned as if he were to live forever. I’m sure in fact he continues to learn and to teach. I hope my own children will be inspired to learn their whole lives, the way my Dad inspired me.
I came across the best little gem the other day:
Now you may be wondering if I’m trying broadcast that I’m an awesome mother, or a bad friend??
Well it depends who you ask?!
Maybe I’m both. Or neither.
What it reminded me of was a conversation I had with one of my best friends the other day.
I met this amazing girl shortly after moving to Toronto, on my first day of work at the hospital that had just hired me. Not knowing a soul in the city, and both being newbie Speech Pathologists, we connected over lunches discussing therapist woes and slowly developed a solid friendship. We were friends, but led very different lives: her being single, then planning a wedding and me being childless and then having two children. Our lives weren’t on the same path, but we managed to bond regardless – mainly in the work environment however.
Thankfully we built this foundation because our lives suddenly became one when we both had our marriages fall apart within one week of each other. Nothing like a divorce to bond you! We became joined at the hip: talking several times a day, spending every moment I didn’t have my kids with her, spending many moments with my kids and her, celebrating holidays, or going on vacations together. She even would take my boys shopping to buy me Christmas and birthday gifts, or pick them up from daycare when I got sick. We were completely there for each other all the time. I am forever grateful to her and look back on this time as a unique experience to share my life with girlfriends so intimately (I was blessed with a couple more angels during that time too).
We luckily met two amazing men the same year, married within months of each other, and both tried to have a baby. Ironically, we both went through IVF treatments at the same time, however hers resulted in a beautiful baby boy (after a very long and painful road), mine did not.
And so our paths went their separate direction again. Hers facing pregnancy woes and bliss, giving birth, and first year chaos and celebratory milestones. Mine with growing children and stepchildren and finding peace with no more children.
Over the past two years our phone calls have been more limited, the texts more sporadic, the emails more occasional, and the meetings once in a blue moon.
Was I the bad friend – or was she?
When we did make time to catch up, we would CATCH up and the hours would slip by, we’d be back to old times and we would promise to not let the time go by so quickly.
As much as I miss her, and love her and want to spend more time with her, I am ok with how things have gone and how things are going.
We talked about this over Thai food at our favorite Thai restaurant last week:
There is a season for everything in life. Right now, our season is to be mothers.
It doesn’t mean I don’t love my friends (and I hope none are insulted). I truly adore them, have fun with them, think of them often, and wish to spend time with them and talk more. And I could do with being a bit more vigilant in keeping contact, and being more thoughtful- if nothing else than by leaving a message or sending a text (like I talked about here) or scheduling in a certain time to connect (which I’ve started to do more of so maybe I will get better).
What it does mean is it is my season to be a mother, deep in the trenches, NOW.
There are few years where we have our kiddies glued to us, desperately needing us. There are few years where they will absorb what we teach, need specific guidance and help. There are few years where they even want to be with us. I don’t want to miss a thing! I already feel as if I miss chunks of time while they are in school and I am working. Then throw in the time they spend at their other parents – I do have limited time (and I often use this time to dedicate to my husband, to spend time as a couple, because that is the best thing I can do for my growing family. Oh yeah, and he’s an amazing guy and I love spending time with him too:)
My girlfriend, with her growing baby, is struggling with the balancing act of baby, husband, other family, work and friends. I reminded her that this is her season to be focused on her immediate family. Her baby will be up and grown in a flash, she needs to spend her time aligned with her priorities. Maybe she can improve a bit in the friendship area ( hey, if I’m trying, she needs to be too!), but she needs to be at peace that seasons do change and she needs to enjoy the one she is in.
So when I saw this little cartoon this week, I had to laugh!
Maybe I will lose friends over being a bad friend because I put too much emphasis on being a mother and a wife. As sad as that makes me, I know that I need to be in the exact spot I am in right now. And it is only for a short season.
I hope that my closest friends always know they are in my heart, thoughts and prayers forever. I hope they know when they don’t hear from me it’s not them or something they have done, it just happens to be a particularly busy week.
I’m busy being an awesome Mom (or so I’d like to think)!
I’ve fallen behind on my blogging again.
I wish I could say it’s because I’ve been fabulously busy doing something incredible.
Instead, we’ve been busy wrapping up soccer: final games, tournament and banquet; and gearing up for the fall activities, which will include more soccer, swimming, dance, and tennis (Gabe made the high school tennis team – yah!!).
We’ve also been busy getting back into the school routine. Unfortunately that has included 2 discussions with the same teacher (followed by a recess detention), a note from a teacher in an agenda (and two changes in the seating in class) , and a call from the vice principal about a fight in school related to a “gum selling business” started up by one of my sons (entrepreneurial I know – but taboo at school). All this, I might add, in the past 2 days!!!!
As much as it stresses me out, I remind myself that these will be good stories to share in the future. I think it’s always the challenges that make the best stories.
Back to blogging again soon….
“Don’t sacrifice what you want most for what you want now”.
Just a simple reminder that sometimes getting something in the short term can rob us from greater things down the road…. Stay focused on your big picture, your goals, your dreams.
Over the past few weeks, we have had some experiences where the statement “It’s complicated” has entered the conversation.
The first time it was uttered, was when Rob was having a heated conversation about a situation his children had been witness to that he was not happy about. His kids had witnessed multiple very dysfunctional and highly inappropriate episodes between a couple and he was expressing concern and, well, anger, about his kids being subjected to the scenes. The person had responded that they felt badly too that the kids had been exposed to this behaviour, however had explained to the kids that the relationship was “complicated” and that is why the behaviour happened. You know, relationships are “complicated”.
The next scenario was one where Rob was being asked to do something at work that he didn’t feel was quite on board with what he felt was right. The person was trying to convince him to do something, and it was getting more and more “complicated”. “I know it’s complicated, but it might work” was what he was being sold.
The last scenario was again a situation where Rob was being asked to come up with a solution to a big problem someone else was having. The real solution to the problem was actually quite easy, but it would be hard to face and mean someone had to take some serious accountability and it would not be pleasant to do so. So, we were racking our brains and trying to come up with alternative scenarios and nothing seemed to work. Everything was so complicated. Finally I said, “It’s never going to work and it feels so complicated, because it just isn’t right. We can’t get around the “right” solution”.
This got me thinking.
Is “complicated” representative of just plain “not right”?
So, I googled “complicated relationships” and what does that mean?
Unfortunately the consensus is “It’s complicated” in relation to a relationship status basically means the same thing as “Almost single”. Things are complicated because one person is more vested in a relationship than another. Or one person is betraying another, or one person wants out, or wants something different. Complication occurs when there is lying, cheating, deceit, dishonesty, disinterest, an unequal balance, a power struggle. Things get complicated when you try to force something that is not meant to be, or cover something up.
Now that is not to say that there are no complications in daily life! Scheduling is complicated. Arranging car pools, activities, Christmas dinners, holidays, vacations can all be complicated.
But when a relationship is complicated?? Is the relationship really then worth it? I read a great blog post here that asked a similar question. Is a complicated relationship worth the investment? Maybe you just need to have a taste of an uncomplicated relationship to see how beautiful – and possible – that can be (without the complications).
When solutions to problems are so complicated – could it be that they are just the wrong ones?
I’m starting to think “It’s complicated” is not a good thing to hear. I’m having a hard time thinking of “complicated things” that are really worth it?
Maybe “complication” is there because it is the warning sign for us to RUN!!
Anyone? Or is it too complicated?
When I was in grade 5 and 6, I had a great teacher: Mr. McGilton.
He was the best teacher and everyone was excited to have him. I got to have him for 2 years because I was in a split 5/6 for grade 5. Since he taught grade 6ers, I lucked out!
He was the best, and out of all my teachers in elementary school, I remember him the most. He read us the book “I am David” – which I loved, and we all loved last year when we read it together as a family.
He also gave me the most valuable study tip(s) that I passed along to our kids this week.
Tip #1: Three times everything! Read things over three times, write things out three times and study things three times. Three times helps solidify information.
Tip#2: Study right before bed when you really want to remember something. And I mean RIGHT before bed. Nothing in between studying and your head hitting the pillow. No music, no phone call, no talking, no other reading. Just go right to sleep. Your brain will sort the info out during the night and you wake up with lots of clarity!
Now, put these two tips together. Review things three times right before bed, then quickly go to sleep. When you wake up, before you do anything, review the info over in your head and see how much you remember. What you don’t remember, you can quickly just review right away.
I did this in grade 6, all through high school and all through University.
I seriously think the “three times right before bed” works magic.
Magic. Magic. Magic.
Good night:)