Mothers and Grandmothers

In about 6 weeks time we are off on another adventure. This time with just Zach and Zandra, as it’s their “15 trip”.

Years ago we decided we would take each child to Europe when they turned 16. That changed to 15 when we saw how busy our summers got, and timing wise it worked better for us. Each child was to pick their spot and we would make the trip “all about them”. We took Gabe 2 years ago (he was almost 16) to Munich and Venice (because Munich was all about him and his desire to see BMW and Audi factories, and Venice was because, who’s kidding who, it’s all about me too and my travel addiction too). Good times are recorded starting here and ending here.

Zandra selected Paris, and Zach wanted Berlin. Being our family twins, it would be a bit tricky to do two European adventures in the same year, so they negotiated for a little extra time if we took them together. Of course I had to add on to their trip, so a couple of days in Hamburg was added and then somehow Zach negotiated a few extra days to go to Prague. So, it will be a whirlwind of a trip, but that’s how we roll anyways.

As it turns out, my mother’s family is from Germany. Her father from Berlin, and her mother from Hamburg. I love that we are going back to my roots and I can share this special trip with Zach and Zandra. In preparation for the trip, I have started to dig around a bit for family research and find the points of interest that we need to add to our itinerary.

The list is getting long. We need more time. (Or likely another trip).

Luckily, my mother and her family have all been record keepers, so I have a lot to go on.

I have always loved reading about my beloved Granny’s life (we were so fortunate that my cousin recorded all her stories – many of which she used to tell us – in a book that we all received a copy of), and now I am excited about visiting some of the spots that are described in the book.

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All this reading and research has made me feel so nostalgic and think about what an amazing woman she was. I can hear her voice, with her thick German accent, nodding her head saying “mmm…ja…ja” and how she called us all “sveet heart” (and how my grandfather called me “Kindergarten girl… then plus whatever grade I was in). I don’t know how she was able to cope with the trials she had in her life: losing her father, and then losing her young sister to strep throat; being a German Jew, and being forced to leave her country; living through the war in London; coming to Canada – a land unfamiliar – and raising her 6 children with so little; and all the little stories in between that made her life quite incredible. She was one of the most caring, generous people I have ever known. She was always serving: involved in her church, community and a special connection to the local women’s shelter. She was bright, educated and a talented artist. And she always made you feel that YOU were the most important person alive. She asked a million questions, because she was truly interested, and she remembered the details. She never forgot a birthday – even Zach and Josh’s! In the final years of her life, she even remembered Gabe, Zandra and Sam’s! Yes, she was an incredible person and I miss her dearly. Planning to go to her homeland makes me miss her more, and I only wish I had had the chance to return there with her; although I know she comes with us in Spirit.

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But as I am nostalgic about her, I think of my own mother. I have a client whose mother is 78 years old. In the past few months, I have talked to this client about her mother, asking things like, “would your mother help you bake the cookies for your annual charity bake sale?” and each time my questions are met with, “My mother is 78. She can’t do that” and my client looks at me as if I am a weirdo for making the suggestion.

Yet, each time, I think to myself, “well my mother is 77 and SHE does that”.

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Yes, she is baking for her friend’s daughter’s wedding shower, she is taking her neighbor to the grocery store to do her weekly shopping, she is having the missionaries over for dinner or teaching with them, she is visiting her old neighbors in old age homes, she is driving my sister around town, she is arranging phone and internet plans for my sister, she is writing up some family history for Zach and emailing it to him, she is “googling” information for my upcoming trip to Germany and sending it my way. My 77 year old mother “googles” things; and does so with ease!

We talk several times a week and she asks the specific details about each of my kids – much like Granny did – remembering who was writing what test, who was going to what party, who had a soccer game, and all the little details. And, she loves to iMessage or email her grandkids (and is thrilled when they respondJ) Her life, like Granny’s life, is embodied in service and family.

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While driving to Josh’s soccer game with Zach today, I told him how excited I was to share a bit of my love for my grandmother with him and Zandra when we go to Germany. I also told him I hope that he builds the same love and appreciation that I had for my Granny, with his own grandmothers (his Gran, and also his Ama). I certainly hope that I can carry on the tradition that my role models laid out for me: to live a life devoted to family and service. To live a life so that one day my kids will be able to say that I followed in the same footsteps as my grandmother and mother. No greater goal, and no greater honour that will be.

Happy Mother’s Day, Granny. You are loved and so missed, but I know you will be with me in spirit when I get to walk the streets that you once loved and walked.

Happy Mother’s Day, Mom. You are loved and appreciated, even though we don’t always say and show it! No one makes better brownies and fudge (the kids will be placing their orders for when we visit in May) and you are such an example to us all in every way. While I appreciate the big things that you do, it’s really all the little things that make you so special. I am blessed to call you mother.

 

PS. Mother’s day marks my 5 year anniversary of writing this blog! My first blog post is here.

My favourite mother’s day story is here.

Happy 15th Birthday, Zandra!

15? Can you believe it! And what an incredible girl she is continuing to become!

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For her birthday, we celebrated last night with a birthday dinner of her choice – pasta with rose sauce and (I did one with a cheese sauce too), caesar salad and a strawberry cake (a little thick on the icing as it kept melting as I was putting it on!)

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This morning we gave her some gifts, including her traditional candy poster card. Her main gift, comes in the shape of her “15 trip” to Europe (in June – which she is doing with Zach – so excited!), and we gave her a little spending money for it now.

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What can I say about one of the sweetest human beings on earth? Well, I can come up with tons of things, but I will share 15:

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  1. She has a true heart of gold. She is so so so kind. Kind to everyone – (even when they don’t particularly  deserve her kindness.
  2. She has such a creative, artsy streak. I love how she can think up great art projects and make everything look so simple.
  3. She is a very loyal friend. She is a friend you can rely on. She tries to treat everyone with compassion and empathy.
  4. She is an awesome dancer!
  5. She is willing to try new things, even when she knows they will be hard! She keeps going (even though she rolls her eyes at me pushing her to “Do Hard Things!”
  6. She is a great sister. Loves her brothers; is always willing to help them, hug them, tickle them, talk with them, laugh with them, share gossip with them…
  7. She gives great back and head scratches…poor girl. She is always being asked!
  8. Her willingness to accept that she makes mistakes, owns them, repairs them and then tries her best to change them. So open and so humble.
  9. Her beautiful spirit. There is a innocence, a pure heart and soul and a glow that she radiates.
  10. Her sense of style and her talents with hair and makeup! She can do almost anything!
  11. Her willingness to always help! She always offers to do things for people, and she is cheery when she does them too!
  12. Her bubbly personality, her amazing smile, her constant laugh. She is a ray of sunshine on our house always!
  13. Her love of her pets! She smothers Reggie with love!
  14. Her ability to know right from wrong and to advocate for what she knows is right!
  15. Her flexibility. She is super easy going. Willing to go with the flow, share with others, let others shine too.

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She really is a spectacular girl and we are so blessed to have her in our family! Love her sooooo much!

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Happy 15 Sweet Pea!

xox

 

Soccer Round Up

Well the winter season has wound down, and the summer season is winding up!

At the end of the season,  both Josh and Zach got to head out to the Tim Horton’s stadium in Hamilton where the Pam Am games were played last summer. Apparently the change rooms were pretty cool for the kids to go in pre and post game. No pics of those though, as that would be creepy:)

Funny that we were there 2 weekends in a row and had never been there before, but it was a fun experience for both of them.

Here’s some snaps of the games:

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^^^ Josh’s game was in the evening so we had some nice magic hour lighting, followed by the big spotlights coming on in the stadium.  The night before I drove Josh and two of his teammates to practice and they were talking about heading to the stadium the next evening and how they needed to be in tip top shape, because “we are playing on the big stage tomorrow night, boys” as one of them said. So cute! Love 12- 13 year olds!

Zach’s game was played in the day and it was a gorgeous day! The sun was bright, but it was a little cool, so I bundled in a blanket.

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^^^ I’ve told Zach he needs to be a little nicer on the field….

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^^^ The stadium. We were all sitting on one side.

Josh has headed off to a tournament this weekend in Mont Tremblant with his team.

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He is flying solo, with no parent! His Dad is away and it was hard for me to get away this weekend (it gets pricey too), so we decided to send him on his own (under the supervision of some of his teammates’ parents of course!). I have to admit, I am a bit nervous about him flying solo…but no fear, my friend sent me this pic of him on the bus and I think he is doing quite fine! Lol:

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I loved Rob’s commentary when I texted it to him:

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Oh my. They grow up.

This is 44

I remember when 40 seemed so old.

It wasn’t that long ago actually. I think I thought 40 was old when I was in my early 30’s. Amazing how “old’ changes as we get older.

Of course turning 44 a couple of days ago made me take stock in how I think my life is fairing so far. What have I done so far? Whom have I helped? Have I focused on the right things? Do I have too many regrets? What do I wish I had done differently?

Of course, it’s too late to redo things, so I started to think about my future and what I still want to do. For me, travel is a high priority; living internationally, serving and volunteering internationally and leisure travel. I also mentioned to Rob that I wanted to own a beach house by the time I’m 50. Zach was around when I said it, and he had the realization shortly after, “hey, 50’s not so far for you. I was thinking that getting a beach house is such a long way away, but for you, it’s only 6 years.” Thanks, Zach. Family is of course top priority in any future plans I envision for myself too. Travel and family, combined, to me is the best.

So while the past may seem a little depressing, the future seems a little daunting and uncertain, I focused on the present and enjoyed my day.

I like to extend my birthday over the whole week:) When everyone has different schedules, it’s hard to nail a celebration down to one time in particular. So, it started with a trip to my all time favourite restaurant for sushi and an incredible chocolate tart with Rob on our date night a few days earlier. (I’ve gotten out of taking pictures, but really need to start it up again).

It was followed by some arguments with some teenagers over plans that weekend, but then ended up with two different dinners out over the weekend with varying combinations of kids: Mexican and Indian. (I even snuck in an Italian lunch with my three highschoolers on their day off mid week; not officially for my birthday, but the timing was perfect.)

On my actual day, I had to get Zach out to his final season end games and team dinner 1.5 hours away. Although I will complain about the drive, it’s pretty awesome to have your child your prisoner for that whole time with no wifi connection and only you to talk to.  That in itself was a gift, but I also got spoiled in the morning with some awesome gifts which included chocolate, foam bath, tootsie rolls, travel magazines, lip gloss, two coupons for lunches out (“when we are both free” one of them said….), some pretty awesome poems, pictures, collages and notes and the coolest little book (Famous Last Words) and an incredible painting of a tree – symbolic of some reading that I have been doing and sharing with Rob. Although I need to be a tiger Mom when it comes to birthdays and gifts, I don’t mind. I love having to force everyone to think about birthdays, because, hey – you are celebrating the life of someone! (I also figure the “forcing” that I do now, will only benefit my children’s future partners. I don’t want to be raising lame-os who put no effort into celebrating someone’s birthday. You’ re welcome, future daughter and son in laws). I sure appreciated the messages, text, cards, calls and face times too that came throughout my “birthday week”.

We finished off the day with an awesome cake and cuddles with a little and everyone heading to bed early (was that part of my birthday gifts too? It sure felt that way.)

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Now to really enjoy 44. I plan on living a long time (like both my grandmothers), so despite feeling a bit old, I figure I’m just hitting the halfway mark.

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Cheesy smile and all…

Quote of the Week

“Show respect even to people you think don’t deserve it; not as a reflection of their character, but a reflection of YOURS.”

Respect. I think it goes out the window with teenagers. The back talk and sass you get is enough to drive you bonkers.

I guess it’s a little payback though, because I was a pretty sassy teen, and even now I cringe when I hear one of my kids say something that I KNOW they have learned from me. But, as an adult, you at least understand when you need to shape up (or hopefully you understand) and be a little bit more respectful.

But teens, I think you need to teach it. Actively.

Sometimes my kids will tell me stories about teachers at school, or people they meet and have discussions with and I will actually agree with them that the teacher was wrong, or the person didn’t know what they were talking about —-BUT, that does not mean you get to treat someone disrespectfully. This is what I feel they have a hard time understanding. Just because you may not agree with someone, and may think they really are acting completely “stupid”, doesn’t give you license to be disrespectful.

Why? Because respect is a reflection of YOU. And truthfully, everyone deserves it, even if you don’t think so. You aren’t perfect yourself, but you too also deserve respect. When you treat someone unkindly, disrespectfully, dishonestly, manipulatively, or unfairly, it shows very little about who that person is as a person  – but says A LOT about who you are. It’s truly a reflection of your own character.

Mindset

Since we drove to South Carolina and had 17 hours each way to kill, we decided to try an audio book.

I have to admit it took us a long time to finish the audio book as I kept falling asleep ( I can’t help it…the lull of the car) so Rob would turn to me every so often and realize I was asleep so he’d turn it off, and then we would have replay what I missed when we started it back up again. But, it also took us a long time as there was just so much to digest and to talk about. It wasn’t one of those books you could just whip through. We needed to ponder and discuss.

We listened to “Mindset: The New Psychology of Success” by Dr. Carol Dweck.

I was already quite familiar with Dr. Dweck and her work. I had watched several Ted talks, and there has been growing buzz in the media, as well as even in my children’s schools and their sports teams about “growth mindset”, “fixed mindset”, and “grit”. We had already spent quite a bit of time talking about this kind of thing with the kids in FHE over the past several years. So I figured this book would just help solidify my understanding and be an interesting read (listen).

But after listening to it in its entirety, learning about it in terms of various contexts (home, school, work, sports), and considering the different impact it has on different personalities and value systems, I have a whole new understanding and appreciation. In fact, on the way home, I went on amazon and I ordered a hard copy for each of our kids (which of course they are excited to read and I know they will read it in full). I recommended it to a bunch of people and really hope they read it too. We came home and had a whole FHE dedicated to it – where we watched several videos about it too (a bit of repetition that the kids complained about, but repetition is a key way we learn important concepts). And even though we had discussed the main concepts before, the lightbulb that went off for me (and I think Rob too) when we listened to the book, we feel we were able to share with the kids and they see things in a bit of a different perspective too.

So what did I get now that was different than before?

Just a recap: the main concept is that “fixed mindset” tends to make people think in terms of absolutes, developing the belief that individual traits are innate and cannot be changed or developed. These traits can be positive traits, like intelligence, or negative traits, like clumsiness. Whereas in the “growth mindset”, intelligence, creativity, and artistic ability can be developed over time with practice, hard work, endurance, and a willingness to learn and to adapt. 

So in my mind, there was a bit of a nature vs nurture debate; which to some degree there is. Fixed is more nature, and growth is more nurture. I am a firm believer in both nature and nurture – but since you can’t change nature, then you work with nurture as best you can. Coming from the faith background that I have, I also truly believe in the divine – unlimited – potential that we all have, so a growth mindset fits very nicely with my overall value and belief system. We have spent a lot of time trying to help our kids understand their divine unlimited potential, the need and reward of hard work, the importance of grit and most importantly, the help they can count on from above. We have also taught about talents that we all have, as well as the the core of who we all are.

All that made sense to me. But it really is only one aspect of the difference between fixed and growth mindsets. It’s the other aspects that really made me have an “aha moment.” The aspects such as learning that whether you have a growth mindset or a fixed mindset impacts your self esteem, your personal development, your risk taking, your anxiety and your fear, and your relationships. Learning about these aspects helped me understand myself a bit more, Rob a bit more, and then each of my kids a bit more. Why does XYZ want to quit that activity? Why did XYZ not study so hard? Why is XYZ so afraid to do that activity? Why did XYZ miss the deadline? Why is XYZ always walking away? Why does XZY not care about that grade? Why does XYZ care so much about that grade? Why does XYZ react that way when I point something out but XYZ has a totally different reaction?

Of course understanding growth vs fixed mindset doesn’t solve everything! But it really has helped me understand things from a different light. The other important piece to understand is how it is not all black and white. You aren’t a fixed mindset person in everything, nor are you  growth mindset person in everything. We each struggle in different areas. But, we may have a tendency in one direction or another.

Other gems (just in random points to not make this post so long…)

  • With a fixed mindset, one tends to think that qualities and abilities should come naturally. When they don’t, then it is seen as weakness to have to apply effort. They often then shy away from new things or trying out different things. Growth mindset sees that effort and hard work are integral to success. Sure, talent helps, but it is useless without the effort and hard work.
  • With a fixed mindset, one does not want their mistakes, errors, or blunders discussed, pointed out or acknowledged. They feel judged, persecuted, shamed. They would rather ignore the presence of a mistake then do what needs to be done to remedy the situation. They may then end up missing out on opportunities as they become driven by the fear, and not pursue riskier situations that could mean great success. With growth mindset, one understands the mistakes and failures are natural parts of the learning process and they can be viewed as opportunities to learn from rather than something to avoid. They don’t mind looking at their mistakes to see what they can do differently next time to change the outcome.
  • In relationships with a fixed mindset, there is tendency to view an ideal partner as someone who would constantly validate, praise, or even worship them; rather than have someone who helps challenge them, to learn new things, accept shortcomings, and push them to do better which is what a growth mindset seeks.
  • A fixed mindset is being in the constant praise zone – especially when being a parent. Fixed mindsets praise high intellect, or specific talents or global attributes (you are so smart, so pretty, so talented), whereas growth mindset focus on praising the effort and process ( you worked hard! You put the work in.  You organized yourself well). It is important to create an environment that encourages hard work, effort, and growth so children can learn to continually develop their intellect and talents rather than taking the easy way out (or claiming “it’s just not who they are”).

 

These random tidbits have helped me understand a bit better the motivation (or lack of) of my family members, as well as many of the people that I work or associate with. I think this knowledge also helps me have a bit more compassion and patience, with myself, as well as others.

The final tidbit of wisdom, is the use of the word “yet”. Although we can’t do many things, or we are not comfortable with many things, or we may not have had success with many things…we need to remember that it is temporary. We can’t do it..yet. I don’t understand it…yet. I’m not confident in my ability…yet.

I came across this quote yesterday on social media and I thought it tied it all together nicely:

“If you raise your children to feel that they can accomplish any goal or task they decide upon, you will have succeeded as a parent and you will have given your children the greatest blessing of all.”

You may not be able to do it… yet, and you won’t be able to do it completely on your own… but you can do it. Just keep going.

 

 

Quote of the Week

“If a mother asks you a question, it’s better to tell her the truth because chances are she’s asking because she already knows the answer.”

This made me chuckle  – but seriously, isn’t it the truth?

I can’t tell you the number of times I am asking a question, knowing the answer, and hope that’s the answer I’m going to hear. Good or bad!

I just want my kids to be honest with me. I always remind them they are better off dealing with consequences of the truth than they are dealing with the consequences of a lie….

And mothers usually have a way of finding things out…. that Mom network is pretty strong, but I won’t giveaway all my secrets.

 

Monthly Snaps of Life

Here’s a few of my iPhone pics since January. I really need to up my game to get a better variety!

The kids had a school semi formal that they went to:

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A few of Zandra’s friends got ready at our place:

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The kids also went to a youth regional church dance. Zach brought his best bud from school too:

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Church poses (don’t worry, this wasn’t during the actual meeting):

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Found this gem: I love this pic. Zach was reaching out to touch Baby Josh. Seconds after I took this photo, Zach tried to roll Josh off the bed! lol:

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Valentine’s traditional meal and yearly photo book review:

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Annual auto show the boys went to with Rob:

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Zandra and I did our lunch/movie date while the boys went to the auto show. We saw Brooklyn:

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Rob and I went with some friends to see Blue Rodeo at Massey Hall:

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Reggie stayed overnight with our neighbour while Rob and I went on our traditional overnight Valentine date (which I have no pics of – but we stayed at the Cosmopolitan and had an awesome meal at Ki). Reg saw a squirrel, went to chase him and then head planted in the mud!

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My Mom sent me some pics of my Dad when he was on his mission in Tahiti in the 50’s. Gosh I hope one of my boys ends up serving in Tahiti like their Grandpa! How cool would that be?

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Cuddling with my Reggie:

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Zach was shaving for the first time and I wanted a picture. You can see how open he was to me taking his pic!:

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More church lovin’:

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Gotta love Sam:

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Couldn’t resist another one:

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The kids had a youth activity learning how to make bread. Can you tell they were thrilled? Zach got to make the demo bread though:

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Josh has had to change clothes a few times in the car to get to and from soccer!:

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So happy I got to capture Gabe opening his first University acceptance letter!

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Love this little guy:

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I got my hearing aid. Check out how invisible it is!

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More Reggie loving:

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Gee, are you on your phone, Zach?

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Please let me out to chase squirrels!

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Charleston, SC

To break our week up, we decided to head to Charleston, SC.

I have always been attracted to the South. Something about it, so I was excited to go to Charleston.

I have read a few book by Pat Conroy (Beach Music is my fave, but also South of Broad) and loved them and loved reading about the South. Sadly, I just read that Pat Conroy passed away just a couple of weeks ago, March 4, 2016:(

A quote that he wrote that I loved:

“Once you have traveled, the voyage never ends, but is played out over and over again in the quietest chambers, that the mind can never break off from the journey.”

How beautiful is that? (I’ll make this my quote of the week:)

Anyhow, we headed into Charleston and enjoyed a great day! It is a charming little town soaked in history. I’m not sure what I expected, but I really enjoyed our time there.

We took a carriage ride tour through historic Charleston, then wandered around. We learned about the architecture, “South of Broad”, the ironwork and the many, many churches (hence the nickname, “Holy Town”). Here’s a few snaps of what we saw:

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When you take a carriage ride, you don’t know what route they will take. It is randomly selected with this bingo looking contraption:

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Poor Rob : new shoes = blisters. Luckily he had flops in the car!

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We had a great lunch at “Husk”, a restaurant that was on Anthony Bourdain not too long ago and Rob really wanted to try it. It was really good; it’s neat eating southern food, because even though Toronto has some fabulous restaurants and you can pretty much eat anything from around the world, you don’t get too much southern cooking!

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We strolled by Rainbow row, and sat by the waterfront for a bit before heading back to our hotel at Myrtle Beach.

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Myrtle Beach, SC

After spending the night just outside of Washington, we headed down to Myrtle Beach, SC.

It certainly is way busier than what we are used to in the Outerbanks, and we certainly enjoy the less commercial, wilder feel of the Outerbanks more. However, I’m not going to complain! Our condo is stunning (right on the ocean), the beach is beautiful and nice to walk on, and we have found some really good restaurants (thanks to a store clerk we talked to at the outlets (another plus) who gave us the “best” places to try. The weather has been utterly spectacular, so it certainly feels like a tropical vacation!

So far, we have spent our time just hanging around, walking on the beach, reading and napping by the pool, and relaxing in our room. Since Rob is in between jobs, it has been a real break for him not having any calls and emails that usually accompany our vacations.

(We’ve also spent time connecting with our kiddos to see what they are up to. Gabe, Zandra and Sam have enjoyed hanging out; Gabe is studying for the ACT, but excited to get another acceptance into a Canadian University. I was anxiously awaiting to hear from Zach and Josh after their hike to Machu Picchu. I finally heard from them and of course, they are fine – they said it was beautiful, but the hike was “harder than I expected” (from Zach, so that says a lot). The first night on the hike Zach was quite sick, but once he got over that he was fine. Josh got his sickness done before they left for the hike and seemed fine on the hike. That’s the kind of stuff I hate hearing – that they were sick as I know how miserable it is to be traveling and sick:(( But, they are having an awesome time!)

Back to us in SC…here’s a few pics:

View from our condo:

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Beach walks:

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Yummy food:

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Relaxin’:

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Pretty skies:

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